Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Missouri fan really hates Kansas; doesn’t know that much about Missouri athletics

GRANDVIEW – Friends and family of Ronnie Holstead, known commonly by his screen name, MizzouFan6969_2001, today reported that Holstead actually knows very little about the University of Missouri athletic department and is far more interested in attacking the University of Kansas on message boards and news articles.

Holstead, a former gas station attendant, is currently unemployed, leaving him ample time to peruse various message boards and newspaper Web sites, where he continuously makes disparaging remarks and accusations about the University of Kansas. Those close to Holstead say it’s impossible to know exactly how many posts he averages in a day, but family members admit he spends most of his time sitting in front of the computer.

“I’d say he’s in front of that damn thing at least eight to 10 hours during the day,” said Beatrice Holstead, Ronnie’s mother. “He used to go out with his friends most nights, or go to the bar to watch the Tigers play, but now he just sits there, typing away and snickering to himself.”

After a recent spat of fights broke out among players on the Kansas football and basketball teams, Holstead says he spent almost 24 hours at the computer, scouring the Internet for any story or blog posting about the incident, making sure to post on each one.

“A lot of times I write one killer post, and I’ll just copy that on a bunch of different places,” said Holstead, who dropped out of Grandview High School in 2000. “But that fight was awesome. I probably posted about 60 different things, but most of it was about KU sucking pretty hard. Those guys are all huge douche bags.”

Friends, however, are concerned that Holstead’s time on the computer is taking away from the enjoyment of Missouri’s actual accomplishments. During last season’s NCAA basketball tournament, Holstead watched every single KU game, and went so far as to buy a round of shots for the bar he was at when the Jayhawks fell to Michigan State. But he failed to watch even a single half of the Missouri Tigers’ run to the Elite Eight.

“He used to be the biggest Tiger fan on the planet,” said friend Landus Dumpkin, who went to high school with Holstead, then went onto graduate from Missouri in 2005. “Three years ago, he could name nearly every Missouri football player on the team, even the third and fourth stringers. Now, I’m not sure if he even knows who the quarterback is.”

When questioned about the quarterback, Holstead stammered for a moment before changing the subject. In fact, Holstead struggled to name even one starter for the Tigers football team.

“Whatever man, it doesn’t matter who our quarterback is. We could put anybody in there and we’re still going to blast those ChickenHawks,” said Holstead. “You think that little shrimp Todd Reesing can stand up to us? Hell no. And we’re going to smack around that punk Kerry Meier and Briscoe. And don’t get me started on their offensive line. Tanner Hawkinson, Jeff Spikes, Brad Thorson, they don’t got nothing on us. None of them even knew what college football was before this season. We’re going to destroy them. Is Macklin still a Tiger? That guy is the shit.”

One friend close to Holstead says he believes the tide turned during the 2007 college football season, when Kansas and Missouri both vied for the national championship. Despite the fact that Missouri beat Kansas head to head, the Jayhawks went to, and won, a BCS Bowl game, while Missouri had to settle for the Cotton Bowl.

“That whole year he really became angry and bitter,” said Cole Trachenbacher, a friend of Holstead’s since grade school. “About halfway through the season, when we’d call him to go watch the Missouri game, he’d make up an excuse to not come. Then he’d spend the whole next week bitching about KU’s easy schedule, or how the refs gave them the game, and it was obvious he’d been watching the Jayhawks. I mean, I hate the KU too, but it’s like he preferred watching Kansas over Missouri. That’s messed up.”

Just a few months later, the Jayhawks won the National Championship in men’s basketball, sending Holstead over the edge.

“For a few days, he didn’t even touch the computer,” Beatrice Holstead said. “I thought maybe he’d given up and was ready to go back to hanging out with his friends and smoking pot. But after three or four days, he was back on it, ranting about probation and cheaters.”

Holstead’s posting activity isn’t always well received; as he’s been banned from at least seven message boards, including the Jayhawk Slant, Phog.net, and even GoPowercat.com, a Kansas State fan board, after accusing the entire state of Kansas of “overt gayness”.

Two years ago, the Kansas City Star changed their posting format from anonymous to one requiring registration, in part because of the abusive and vile comments from Holstead and others like him.

“It’s not just that guy, although he’s one of the worst. There are fans from Kansas, Missouri, Kansas State and Nebraska who all wait for a story about a rival school to pop up, then attack the school, the players, the fans, anyone they can,” said Dave Jenkins, who monitors comments on the KansasCity.com Web site. “Half the time, I don’t even think they read beyond the first line of the story.”

Even administrators at the Missouri fan site, Tigerboard, have warned Holstead to stay on topic.

“We all hate Kansas, that’s a prerequisite for being a Tiger fan, but there has to be some limits on what is allowable,” said Tyler Brown, who helps run Tigerboard. “We had one thread titled “Your favorite place to eat off campus”, and that guy, MizzouFan6969_2001, ended up posting about Mangino’s resemblance to Jabba the Hut, and how great it was that Quantrill burned Lawrence to the ground. I actually haven’t seen him post anything of relevance in about a year.”

Despite his detractors, Holstead said he remains a huge Missouri fan, and he’s just showing that by bashing Kansas whenever he has a chance.

“Look, I’m all about the black and gold. I know Coach Pinkel is going to have us back in the Big 12 championship game this year, and I know coach – uh – who’s the basketball coach? That new guy. What’s his name? Whatever. I know he doesn’t wear a rug on his head like Bill Selfish.”

Blue Springs man pretty upset about choosing KC Brigade season tickets during divorce

BLUE SPRINGS – Roy Farkle, 48, remains in a constant state of agitation and depression, conditions that have lasted nearly a month since the announcement that the Arena Football League had disbanded.

Farkle, who filed for divorce from his wife, Cindy, in June 2007, made holding onto his Kansas City Brigade season tickets a priority. The AFL suspended all league activity before the start of the 2008 season, as the economy continued to worsen and teams reported massive losses in revenue. There was hope, however, that a deal could be reached that would allow the league to reopen in 2009. With no solid television revenue deal in place, the league officially shut down early this year.

With the AFL out of commission, Farkle’s season tickets are now worthless. Even more painful was the fact that Farkle allowed his wife to keep the University of Missouri football and basketball season tickets in exchange for the rights to the Brigade seats. The next season, Missouri went 12-1 and won the Big 12 North, and the Cotton Bowl. The basketball team has also found success, earning a trip to the NCAA Tournament quarterfinals in 2009.

“You know what I didn’t need? This. This is what I didn’t need,” said Farkle, who had to move out of his house into a one-room apartment and sell his 2006 Infinity GS to help pay child support. He now drives a 2001 Ford Escort. “The Brigade were coming off a championship season. There was excitement in the town. It’s professional football. Missouri hadn’t done shit up to that point in football or basketball. Son of a bitch.”

Shortly after the announcement about the AFL, Farkle called his ex-wife, with hopes of reconciling. Those hopes were quickly shot down and Farkle was hit with a restraining order.

Cindy, who now goes by her maiden name, Shumann, rarely attends Missouri games, but with football seats 11 rows up from the 40 yard line, and courtside at the basketball games, she usually sells her tickets online, using the income to help finance the season tickets, as well as the plastic surgery to give her a much younger, more beautiful appearance.

“I told him he was being stubborn and stupid about those tickets. I even warned him there were rumblings the league might shut down. But, just like everything else in his life, he didn’t want to listen to reason,” Shumann said. “I guess it worked out ok though. I mean, since the divorce I’m in the best shape of my life. I’ve lost 40 pounds, dyed my hair blond, got a tummy-tuck, got a boob job and I’m dating a Vice President of Accounting for a major corporation who couldn’t be sweeter.”

When told about his wife’s appearance and comments, Farkle broke down crying.

“She’s a blond now? Aw, come on man, you’re killing me.”

Posnanski the blogger thinks Posnanski the columnist is “kind of a sissy”

KANSAS CITY, MO - Joe Posnanski, the blogger, today revealed he believes Joe Posnanski, the columnist, is “a decent writer, but actually kind of a sissy.” Posnanski made the revalation through one of his now patented *Postrerisk* during a 2,100 word posting about the new PX90 infomercial.

From the blog JoePosnanski.com: I enjoy a good work out like anyone else. Although my workouts are usually curls that involve a fork and a slab of brisket from Oklahoma Joe's. But apparently, using this machine can turn even the biggest sissy* into a body that He-Man would envy. Do kids still play with He-Man? Joe Mauer might be He-Man.

*I never realized it before, but I went back and read the last year of my blog, and the last year of my columns, and decided that as a columnist, I’m a decent writer, but actually kind of a sissy. I take these fantastic stances against managers and players in my blog, but I kind of tip-toe around things in my columns, as if I’m trying to stay friends with everyone I write about. I guess I’m hoping people like (Kansas City Royals manager) Trey Hillman don’t read my blog.

Posnanski, an award-winning columnist many times over, and regarded in many journalistic circles as one of the best sports writers in America, recently made the jump from the Kansas City Star to Senior Writer at Sports Illustrated, citing a lifelong dream to work at the publication.

His departure leaves a great hole at the Star, although it also encouraged many of his long-time readers to start following him online. Those who had never read the blog before saw a different side of Posnanski.

“I read him for 15 years in the newspaper, and he was always so happy and upbeat,” said Margret Schneiderman, 74, of Lansing, Kan. “But when I read his Internet site, he was much more critical of people. And he wrote a lot about an old baseball team. I didn’t like it.”

Still, many of Posnanski’s critics say the bite he lacked as a columnist shines through on his Web site. Just this week, he called out the Cleveland Browns for making one of the worst head coaching hires in the past 25 years when they hired Eric Mangini. He’s harshly chided Hillman and members of both the Chiefs and Royals front office, something he rarely, if ever, did in his role as a columnist.

“I got tired of reading about special kids, or special people, or rainbows or kittens, or why the Royals, who have one winning season in 15 years, were going to win the World Series,” said Jay Gerald, a graphic designer who stopped getting the Star two years ago. “He’s a great writer, and I guess he was providing balance for (the other Kansas City Star columnist Jason) Whitlock, but reading JoPo’s stuff was like eating a pound of cotton candy: Too much sweet, not enough sour or substance.”

But Posnanski - who will have less of a commentary role with Sports Illustrated - says he doesn’t anticipate changing the tone of his blog, even if it means offending some of the people he covers.

“My blog postings are my own personal thoughts. And if I personally think Dayton Moore is a stubborn, idiotic jackass who refuses to put any credence into the theory that on-base percentage helps win games, even though there are countless examples to prove it, then I’m going to write that,” said Posnanski, who immediately seemed nervous. “Wait, is this going into a paper. I also need to add that Dayton Moore probably forgot more about baseball this morning than I’ll ever know, and that he’s very good at his job.”

Monday, September 28, 2009

Twenty-two guys off the street don’t want to play for Haley, Chiefs

LEAWOOD – Results from a recent poll reveal that Kansas City Chiefs’ head coach Todd Haley may not be able to win two games with 22 guys off the street, mostly because he would have problems finding that many men willing to play for him.

In reference to the Chief’s 2008 season, in which the team went 2-14, Haley allegedly made the declaration that he could win two games with 22 random people. Haley is rumored to have made the statement in an attempt to insult Pro Bowl offensive lineman Brian Waters. Three weeks into the NFL season with Haley at the helm, the Chiefs are 0-3 and showing no signs of improvement week-to-week.

Pollsters spoke with 100 male Chiefs fans in and around 810 Sports Zone in Leawood, Kan., after the Chiefs’ loss to the Philadelphia Eagles Sunday. Results indicate fans do not believe Haley, with just 14 percent indicating they were confident in the Chiefs’ ability to coach 22 regular guys to at least two wins.

Unfortunately for Haley, the 14 percent was the high-water mark in the poll. Just 11 respondents said they would be willing to play for an “everyman’s squad” coached by Haley. And only nine answered that they believed Haley will win at least two games this year.

“Play for that a-hole? No thank you,” said Jim R., who lives in Belton, Mo., and had crossed the state line to watch the game with his brother. “That guy looks like a maniac on the sidelines. I have serious doubts he’s going to win two games in real NFL players, so I don’t see how he could win with me.”

Even with plenty of doubters, Haley would have a few options to pick from, should he choose to dump his NFL players for regular guys off the street.

“Are they serious about that? I played a little ball in college, and I was good man, I was real good,” said Taylor L., from Kansas City, Mo. “Someone once put a clock on me and I ran my 40-yard dash in 4.2 flat. Ran for about 1,200 yards with 16 TDs my last season in college. I even led my fraternity’s intramural squad to the semifinal championship game. You tell Haley that if he needs a running back, I’m here. Seriously, tell him that.”

Roger B., a contractor from Overland Park, thinks it’s possible to win two games with non-NFL players, but not if they’re being coached by Haley.

“To reach two wins, you’re either you’re going to need regular guys being led by a real NFL coach, or you’re going to need NFL players coached by a regular guy,” Roger said. “So if it’s a team of average Joe’s, you’ll need someone other than Todd Haley as the coach. Plus, that guy’s an asshole. You couldn’t pay me to play for him.”

Bloomquist hoping Dayton Moore stopped paying attention to him in June

As the Royals wind down their 2009 season, utility infielder and outfielder Willie Bloomquist continues to keep a low profile in and around Kauffman Stadium, desperately hoping Dayton Moore doesn’t realize he’s still supposed to be contributing to the team.

Bloomquist, who hasn’t spoken or made eye contact with Moore since June 11, has seen his offensive production plummet during the summer, to the point where he’s below an average replacement player in every possible way.

Moore was blasted for the Bloomquist signing this offseason, as the seven-year veteran had a reputation for offensive ineptitude, including last season, when he accumulated a total of one extra base hit in 165 at-bats. But after an incredibly hot start that saw Bloomquist hit .333 with a .439 OBP and an .863 OPS in the Royals’ 13 games in April, Moore was signing the praises of his utility star to anyone who would listen, going so far as to call Bloomquist the team’s early MVP.

“I had never hit that good ever, at any level, not even in grade school,” Bloomquist said. “To start out the season like that was amazing, and really took the pressure off of me for a few months.”

Bloomquist, however, knew those numbers wouldn’t last. That fear was quickly justified in May when he hit .258 with a .309 OBP and a .389 SLG. They dropped even further in June to .247/.281/.306. While his early season success propped up his sagging numbers for a few weeks, the overall numbers started to tick down quickly. Bloomquist assumed it would mean less playing time and a talk with Moore, but neither ever materialized.

“I was hitting horribly – or, to be more accurate – I was hitting exactly average for me, which is pretty bad for normal guys, but I kept hearing Dayton and Trey praise me and my offense and I kept playing every day,” said Bloomquist, who is making $1.4 million this season. “I really think they just stopped checking stats after the season tanked in early June.”

In hopes of keeping his job and paycheck, Bloomquist keeps his presence at Kauffman Stadium to a minimum, doing all he can to stay out of Moore’s eye line.

Ironically, Bloomquist said he’s most nervous after games when he performs well offensively. He’s thankful for those nights, which remind management of his value, but he’s always fearful they might actually look at his post-All Star break statistics, which now sit at .249/.287/.327. Thankfully for the veteran, those nights are few and far between.

“About two weeks ago, I had four hits and scored twice, and I was terrified after the game,” said Bloomquist. “Dayton was down in the clubhouse, congratulating players and I literally had to sneak into a bathroom stall for 35 minutes until I knew he was gone. I keep thinking sooner or later he’s going to look at my stats and I’ll be gone, but maybe if he doesn’t see me, he won’t think about my overall production this year.”

With just a week left in the season, Bloomquist can see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially when Moore continues to shower the light-hitting scrapper with praise at every opportunity.

“Willie has been a tremendous addition to our organization and our team this year,” Moore said. “Were you not paying attention when we started out 18-11 this year? Willie was a huge part of that. He was hitting the ball all over the place. Has he come down a little? Maybe, but I’m not paying attention to numbers. We’ve had a lot of injuries and some bad luck come our way. And we can’t turn that 3-6-3 double play to save our lives. But Willie has been a solid professional who I hope stays in Kansas City for many years to come.”

Kansas State fan angry about something

LEAVENWORTH – Employees at Ray’s Tire and Body Shop today reported that fellow co-worker, and longtime Kansas State Wildcat fan Rick Peters came into the shop riled up about something related to athletics.

According to reports, it’s the fourth time in the last three weeks Peters has come to work agitated about a situation involving Kansas State. However, none of his coworkers could confirm what Peters was upset about this time.

“I stopped paying attention to what he says last March after he threw his hot pocket at me,” said Brian Eggers, 34. “I was filling out an NCAA bracket and wanted to know if he was participating. Next thing I know yelling for 20 minutes about how unfair the selection process is, and how K-State was fourth in the Big 12. When I said I had heard they were actually tied for fourth with three other teams, he threw his lunch at me.”

Longtime co-worker Timothy Fletchall said most of the employees at Ray’s aren’t college fans.

“It’s hard to keep up,” Fletchall said about Peters’ rants. “Typically it’s about the referees or the media. But recently, he’s been pretty fired up about some Prince guy. I usually don’t know what he’s talking about. I’m more of a pro guy myself.”

A few of Peters’ blowups have landed him in hot water, although so far he’s escaped with just verbal or written warnings. Randy Veltor, a supervisor at the shop, said he had to remove the television from the customer’s waiting room after an incident involving Peters and a customer wearing an Oklahoma hat.

“One of our customers was watching the tv and clapped once when someone scored a touchdown against K-State. Rick got up in the guy’s face. I mean, really got nose to nose with the guy, screaming about some game in 2003,” said Veltor. “The guy kept saying he wasn’t an Oklahoma fan and he had gotten the hat for his birthday, but Rick wouldn’t let up until the guy took the hat off. Rick then stomped on it and made the guy do the same. I had to give the guy $100 off for his new tires just to keep him from calling the cops.”

Even Peters himself failed to recall what he was shouting about when he came into the office, but simply seeing a reporter sparked a new round of verbal assaults.

“Of course you’re going to write a story about this, and you’re probably going to attack K-State. Do you write for the KU Star,” said Peters, snickering to himself while decked out in a Wildcat sweatshirt and Zubaz pants. “You’re probably one of those Gayhawkers, aren’t you? Why don’t you go eat a few cheeseburgers with Fatgino, then cheat. Because that’s what Gayhawks do. Cheat. All of them. I hate you so much.”

Cotton shortage in the U.S. traced back to KU coach’s wardrobe

LAWRENCE – U.S. trade officials today announced they’ve discovered the culprit behind the United State’s depleted cotton resources and put an immediate halt to all production of velour track suits.

Craig Thompson, U.S. Deputity of Domestic Trade and Agriculture announced that University of Kansas football coach Mark Mangino is nearly single handedly wiping out all of the cotton produced in the United States. Mangino, famous for his obesity and his sleek wardrobe, is almost always seen wearing a blue and red, or blue and gray velour track suit while on the side lines at Kansas football games.

Because Mangino refuses to wear polyester or any synthetic material, cotton must be used to produce his outfits. He rarely re-wears the suit, opting instead to have it cut from his body after games.

“Clearly, this is an issue we need to address immediately,” said Thompson. “We are seriously almost out of cotton. I mean, it’s cotton. We produce an ungodly amount of it each day, and yet 96 percent of it is going to help clothe one man. Granted, those suits are stylish, but come on.”

Mangino remained defiant, assuring his team and his fans that his trademark suit would remain as much apart of Kansas football as his rosy cheeks, and his penchant for screaming at players until they breakdown sobbing.

“Velour track suits are Kansas football,” Mangino said. “We’ve built a tradition here at Kansas. You take those velour suits away; all you have are three bowl wins in four years. Literally, we’ve been playing football since 1890 and that’s all we have. You can’t take these suits away.”

Lew Perkins, University of Kansas’ Athletic Director, backed his coach’s decision to continue to order and wear velour.

“At Kansas, we are not indifferent to the needs of the world community and the shortage of cotton. But we are also aware that a strong athletic department must have a strong football team,” said Perkins, who demanded he be interviewed in a dark, mirrorless room. “If coach Mangino needs to wear velour to be successful, then that’s what’s going to happen. And I swear, if anyone tries to take that away from us, I will come at them with every fiber of my being. And I will not stop until one of us is dead.”