Guy who just got back with his awful ex-girlfriend thinks Croyle should start

INDEPENDENCE, Mo. – Trey Stewart, who recently got back with his train-wreck of an ex-girlfriend, is adamant that Kansas City Chiefs’ backup quarterback Brodie Croyle should be named starter immediately.

Stewart made his feelings about Croyle known at a Chiefs watch party during Kansas City’s game against Indianapolis. It was also the first party he attended with his once-again girlfriend Cheryl Matta, who Stewart dumped two years ago after a six month turbulent relationship culminated with Matta cutting the brakes on his 1986 Buick Skylark.

“Matt Cassel sucks and he needs to be cut now,” Stewart said, as Matta hung on his arm, continually asking why Stewart doesn’t love her more. “Brody is cut out to be an NFL starter. Matt Cassel can’t throw the ball more than 15 feet. This is Rich Gannon and Elvis Grbac all over again. As long as Brody stays healthy, he’s a top 10 QB in this league.”

Stewart’s friends disagreed with his comments about Croyle. And with his decision to reunite with a woman who once tried to stab him with an icicle.

“He’s an idiot,” said Stewart’s former roommate Jeff Dunnam, who lived with Stewart during his first go-round with Matta. “She doesn’t have a job, she doesn’t cook or clean anything, she gave him gonorrhea, and I’m pretty sure she was the one who poisoned our hamster. And Brodie Croyle? Are you kidding me? He can’t stay healthy for more than a quarter and he’s never won a game in the NFL. .”

Shortly after this statement, the couple was asked to leave the party when Cheryl punched a fellow girlfriend, threw up on the kitchen floor, then started crying uncontrollably for 15 minutes.

Breaking News: No University of Missouri players arrested this week

COLUMBIA, Mo. – The University of Missouri athletic department today released a report highlighting the exemplary behavior its student athletes have displayed during the past four days. For the first time in what feels like forever, not a single University of Missouri athlete was arrested or accused of a crime during the first three days of the week.

Missouri players have run into legal trouble at least six times in the last few months, including a high profile arrest of former captain and player Derrick Washington, who has been charged with felony sexual assault and domestic violence. Washington has since been kicked off the team.

A press release went out to all local and national media with a statement from Missouri head football coach Gary Pinkel.

“I couldn’t be happier that we finally managed to almost go an entire week without me getting a call about one of my guys needing bail money,” said Pinkel. “I think this shows that the messages we’ve been preaching from day one are finally getting through to our team. It only took five or six guys getting arrested.”

Chiefs' Smith declares he’s not a dirty pervert

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Chiefs defensive lineman Shaun Smith wants the world to know: He’s not only concerned with sacking the quarterback and stopping the run, he’s also on a mission to snuff out testicular cancer everywhere.

Smith, dubbed the Genital Giant, has been accused twice this season of grabbing at an offensive lineman’s genitals during game play this season. Anthony Davis of the San Francisco 49ers and Alex Mack of the Cleveland Browns both claimed foul play against Smith, who was caught on tape appearing to grab Mack below the belt.

However, Smith says it’s all one big misunderstanding and that he’s actually trying to do a service in the NFL.

“We’re proud men here and we don’t think anything can happen, but testicular cancer is nothing to laugh at,” said Smith, who has no family history of testicular cancer nor has he ever actually met anyone affected by it. “Most guys are too embarrassed or proud to check themselves, but I’m not too proud. And if it means grabbing the junk of every offensive lineman I go up against, that’s what I’m going to do. Hell, I usually check myself out two or three times after games, just to make sure.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said there is no place in the NFL for unauthorized grabbing and that significant punishment may be handed down if the accusations are proven true.

“We don’t tolerate that kind of nonsense in the NFL. Testicular cancer? Is that even real? That sounds an awful lot like prostate cancer. Those are dude things, and we don’t promote any kind of awareness about dude diseases,” said Goodell. “This is breast cancer awareness month. That’s something that needs awareness. The men should be smart enough to figure out their own business by themselves.”

Turner Gill makes a change in travel arrangements, makes players change rooms

LAWRENCE, Kan. – After taking away cell phones from his players and prohibiting any interaction with females after 10 p.m. the night before a game, University of Kansas head football coach Turner Gill is trying a few new tricks to help get the Jayhawks on the right track.

Starting with this week’s game against K-State, anytime the Jayhawks ride the bus they’ll ride as an offensive unit and a defensive unit. Also, Gill has ordered several of his players to change dorm rooms to ensure that each room contains one black player and one white player.

The move sparked controversy among the players and the media, but Gill is hoping it’ll help spark a sense of team unity, which he believes is the only thing keeping them from winning. He said he's heard of these things working before and is hoping to duplicate the success for his team. He also said he will not be deterred from his tactics.

“I don't scratch my head unless it itches and I don't dance unless I hear some music. I will not be intimidated. That's just the way it is,” said Gill.

In addition, Gill has instituted a new disciplinary policy, ordering his players to run a mile any time they make a mistake. After dropping two passes during the Jayhawks loss to Baylor, wide receiver Johnathan Wilson was ordered to run two miles.

“Petey, do you know how many feet are in a mile,” Gill asked Wilson, who responded by stating his name isn’t Petey. “5,280 feet! You pick this ball up and run every one of them! You're killing me, Petey! You're killing me!”

True Chiefs fan secretly hates Chiefs’ success

KRIKSVILLE, Mo. – With the Kansas City Chiefs off to their best start in years, the Kansas City area is starting to show signs of pride in its football team once again. For most residents, it’s an opportunity to wear red, talk football around the water cooler and hang flags from their houses and car antennas.

But not everyone is celebrating the Chiefs’ success. Self-proclaimed “true Chiefs fan” Allan Gast is disappointed with the reaction he’s seeing.

“Where were all these people last year?” said Gast, 41, a sandwich artist at Subway. “Where was the love and support when the Chiefs were down? That’s when the real fans are around. Not these asshole bandwagon fans who couldn’t name five players off of the 2008 team.”

Gast says he now demonstrates his true loyalty by refusing to wear any Chiefs merchandise and staying out of discussions about the Chiefs with his friends or customers. Even his coworkers, who have taken to wearing red on Fridays this season, say Gast is standoffish and almost confrontational when they start talking about Kansas City football.

“After that Monday night game a few of us were talking about Dexter’s return for a touchdown when Allan walked up and got pissed,” said Jay Terry, a fellow sandwich artist. “He started asking if we knew the last Chiefs player to score a special touchdown. When we couldn’t answer, he screamed we didn’t deserve to be Chiefs fans. Then refused to talk to us the rest of the day.”

Gast, who doesn’t own season tickets, has attended every game during the last five seasons by purchasing heavily discounted tickets off third-party websites, or simply showing up around game time and receiving free tickets from people looking to get rid of them. This season, however, he’s found it difficult to grab tickets at below face value.

“Where were these people in 08 when we lost 14 games? Where were they when we were getting destroyed week after week? Because I was here; supporting the team like a real fan and getting into the game for nearly free,” said Gast, as his face turned beat red and voice cracked. “To be honest with you, real Chiefs’ fans like me are happier when the team is losing.”

Moore giddy about Braves’ post season win

ATLANTA – Despite the Atlanta Braves first-round elimination from the MLB playoffs, Kansas City Royals General Manager Dayton Moore remained all smiles as he spoke about the Braves lone post season win.

Moore, a former assistant GM in the Atlanta Braves organization, sent outfielder Rick Ankiel and reliever Kyle Farnsworth to the Braves earlier this season in exchange for a few prospects. Both Ankiel and Farnsworth played big roles in the Braves victory, which at the time evened their series with San Francisco at 1-1.

Farnsworth got out of a late-inning bases-loaded jam by inducing a double play, and Ankiel hit what turned out to be the game-winning home run.

“Did you see the way Rick crushed that ball? That’s why we signed him, because he could do that,” Moore gushed to the FedEx delivery guy who had just showed up to pick up a package. “And Farnsy, boy did we get killed by fans and the press on that guy. But I think he just showed his value by getting out of that jam. That one win had to worth $9 million to Braves fans, and Royals fans should be proud of that.”

Moore also said the performances of the former Royals gives him confidence heading into the off season.

“I’m super excited for the free agency period to get here. I can’t wait until next October, when I’m watching former Royal Jeff Francoeur hit a walk off homer for the Angels.”

Kansas State fans angrily donate 200 coats to homeless shelter

MANHATTAN – Fans of the Kansas State Wildcat basketball team angrily donated more than 200 coats and other articles of winter clothing before the Wildcats win over Texas A&M on Tuesday. The donations came as part of a clothing drive at Bramlage Coliseum for the homeless in and around the college town.

Dozens upon dozens of fans poured through the donation line with coats, hats, scarves and gloves, and nearly all were scowl-faced and grumbling about the referees, the media, the Kansas Jayhawks, or some other perceived slight against their school.

One fan, Douglas Haake, went so far as to bring a Kansas State Wildcat winter coat and a Jayhawk scarf. After placing the coat in the donation basket, he proceeded to pull out a lighter and set flame to the Jayhawk scarf, causing a huge uproar of cheers from the surrounding crowd.

“Knowing there are homeless people in Manhattan makes me so angry,” said Haake, gritting his teeth . “But I’m pretty sure anyone living in Manhattan would rather freeze to death than wear a gay Jayhawk scarf.”

Linda Goodman, who runs the homeless shelter in Manhattan expressed her gratitude to the students and fans at Kansas State, but was also appalled at the overwhelming sense of anger and frustration in the fans.

“Don’t get me wrong, this is a wonderful blessing and will help many survive the bitter cold nights this winter, but my goodness, some of those fans were really mean,” said Goodman. “One said he’d only donate if I could guarantee him it wouldn’t go to ‘the blind, brainless, nutless zebra who’s trying to screw the Wildcats on the court.’”

Pioli’s plan just missing a few Hall of Fame pieces

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Chiefs general manager Scott Pioli took two steps closer to his overall goal of world domination building another Super Bowl team, when he signed former New England offensive coordinator Charlie Weis and defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel to those respective positions with the Chiefs.

Those signings leave Pioli just a few pieces short, namely, a future Hall of Fame head coach, future Hall of Fame quarterback, the entire offensive line and five or six All-Pro players on defense.

During an interview to discuss the new coordinators, Pioli said a Super Bowl was nearly within his grasp.

“I’ve done this one step at a time. Last year, we acquired a kicker who appears to be reliable and we way overpaid a quarterback who has no business starting in the NFL,” said Pioli. “This year, we’ve got our coordinators in place. Now, all we need is for someone to injure Matt Cassel and our back up be an undiscovered future Hall of Famer who will bring this team together in a way no one has ever seen in the history of football. It’s pretty simple when you think about it. Oh, and we need to fire Todd Haley and hire Bill Belichick.”

Frank Martin gets call of support from Charlie Sheen

MANHATTAN – Kansas State basketball coach Frank Martin today received a call from television star Charlie Sheen, offering words of encouragement to the embattled coach.

Martin, who came under fire this weekend after being caught on tape smacking one of his players, said he’s been inundated with calls of support from coaches, fans and especially celebrities, such as Tom Sizemore, Chris Brown and, of course, Sheen.

Sheen has a history of alleged violence against women, including recent accusations that he held a knife to his wife’s throat and threatened to have her killed. However, he has apparently made amends with his wife, who has requested that the recent restraining order against him be dropped.

“He just said that he understood what I was going through, and that by apologizing, professing my love for Chris (Merrieweather) and promising to never to it again, I was guaranteeing myself a free pass this time, and possibly next time it happens,” said Martin. “It was good to hear from a guy like Charlie, who’s dealt with this sort of thing a lot. I’ve got his number now, so next time it happens I can give him a call first.”

Martin said he’s trying to put the incident behind him, but that he’s flattered so many famous people have reached out. There was one call, however, that Martin decided not to take.

“OJ Simpson called yesterday morning. I let that one go to voicemail.”

Report: Glass instructed Moore to ‘Prove a point’ about spending money

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Unnamed sources inside the Kansas City Royals organization today revealed the past four seasons have been nothing more than a conspiracy cooked up by Royals’ owner David Glass and General Manager Dayton Moore.

The plan, which including spending money on horrible free agents was put in place to “teach the fans a lesson” that money doesn’t always equal success.

According to the reports, Glass had grown tired of being accused of all of the Royals troubles for his failure to spend any money on free agents during the tenure of former General Manager Allard Baird. After firing Baird, Glass reached out to Moore, promising him the General Manager job, a 100 percent increase in payroll, and a good parking spot, if Moore would promise to continually spend money on horrible free agents.

“People kept saying the Royals would win if (Glass) would just spend the money on free agents,” said a source, who refused to be named for fear of his job. “Mr. Glass took those accusations personally and really wanted to prove that even if he spent money, the Royals were still going to be very bad.”

Since his arrival, Moore has thrown millions of dollars at questionable free agents, even while better, cheaper opportunities were available. Since becoming general manager, he’s overpaid for players such as Jose Guillen, Kyle Farnsworth, Ron Mahay and Yasuhiko Yabuta.

Even his successes have been by accident.

“Dayton gave Gil Meche $55 million. This is an injury-prone pitcher who, in eight years, had only started at least 30 games twice, and was, at best marginal,” said the source. “Meche was supposed to be a disaster, instead, he comes to Kansas City and pitches at his value for two-plus years.”

Thus far, Glass’s plan is working to perfection. The Royals continue to toil at the bottom of the American League, despite an increase in payroll of nearly $25 million. Despite saying he had almost no payroll flexibility this off season, Moore has continued to bring in expensive, sub-par free agents, such as Scott Podsednik and 52-year old Jason Kendall.

“When Mr. Glass decides to prove a point, he doesn’t stop until it’s hammered into everyone’s mind,” said the source. “This is likely to continue until the fans apologize and ask him to stop spending more money.”

Kansas Jayhawks fan telling everyone that was a “good loss”. No. Really.

SALINA – Junior College student and avid Kansas Jayhawks basketball fan Ryan Hartley spent all day on Monday telling everyone the Jayhawks’ loss to Tennessee was, “good for the team.”

The Jayhawks, who went into Sunday’s game in Knoxville undefeated and ranked No. 1 in the nation, looked sluggish and slow, losing to a Tennessee Volunteers basketball team that was playing with just six scholarship players after an incident caused coach Bruce Pearl to suspend four players.

This came on the heels of a near-disastrous game at home against Cornell last Wednesday, when the Jayhawks needed a herculean-effort from Sherron Collins to avoid one of the worst upsets in the program’s history.

Despite losing to a team that would have had to forfeit a slow-pitch softball game, Hartley said the game would help get the Jayhawks focused for conference.

“Every coach will tell you, you always want to lose a game or two,” said Hartley. “Losses aren’t one step backwards, they’re two steps forward. Losing is a good thing. You don’t want to be ranked No. 1 all season, that’s too much pressure. They’ll focus on what they need to improve on. Or it’ll light a fire under them. Or that test will give them experience in the tournament. I was actually rooting against them, so I was happy to see them lose. Seriously, I lit up a victory cigar. That’s how good of a loss it was. I definitely didn’t skip dinner then cry myself to sleep.”