KU football-basketball tensions reignite during Scrabble game

LAWRENCE – Members of the University of Kansas football and basketball teams were admitted to the hospital on Thursday after an attempted truce failed during a game of Scrabble. Tyshawn Taylor and Dezmon Briscoe got into a fist fight again, after Briscoe disputed Taylor’s use of the word “Muggin” during the Scrabble game.

Taylor and Tyrell Reed of the basketball team sustained cuts and bruises during the melee, and Briscoe, a wide receiver for the Jayhawks, suffered a mild concussion.

The game was set up by Athletic Director Lew Perkins, as well as Kansas coaches Mark Mangino and an unnamed assistant basketball coach filling in for Bill Self, who appears to doing everything he can to avoid coming home in an attempt to simply wait out this entire mess.

Football players and basketball players were teamed together on a dozen different board games such as Monopoly and Apples to Apples. The event appeared to be working until Taylor added the letters “gin” to the already existing “mug”, creating the disputed “muggin”. Briscoe immediately called a challenge and ruled that “muggin” could not be counted, costing Taylor valuable points.

Taylor threw up the table in argument, sending Scrabble pieces flying into a game of Battleship, being played by Sherron Collins and Kerry Meier. Within seconds, an all out battle royal erupted.

“I don’t care what that book says, ‘muggin’ is a word,” said Taylor. “Look it up bitches, ‘Muggin’ is a type of dog, a cross between a Miniature Pincher and a Pug. I’ll slap the taste out of the book’s mouth too.”

From his hospital bed, Briscoe remained confident in his challenge and the ruling.

“Look man, that’s not a word. ‘Muggin’ is not a word. In Scrabble, you’re supposed to use the official Scrabble dictionary for a challenge. We used it. No ‘muggin,’” said Briscoe. “Kid thought he was pulling a fast one on me. I’ll Scrabble his punk ass all day long.”

Reached by cell phone, Self expressed initial shock at yet another fight, but said he could not comment further until he returned to the state. He also said he had scheduled three more recruiting trips and may not be back until Midnight Madness next month.

Perkins called the incident regrettable, but said the players are making progress and that, basically, there’s nothing to see here.

“At Kansas, we preach accountability and respect. We also preach winning. And that’s exactly what we expect each of these teams to do this season,” said Perkins. “As you can tell, our football team is off to a 3-0 start and our basketball team is expected to be ranked No. 1. For anyone who doesn’t have season tickets, now is the time to buy.”

Kansas quarterback Todd Reesing was seen playing with “My Little Pony’s” in the corner of the room, and was unharmed during the fight.

Snyder requests the return of Friends, Zubaz pants

MANHATTAN – Kansas State head football coach Bill Snyder today sent a formal letter to the NCAA, NBC Entertainment and the fashion industry requesting the return of Friends to the airwaves and Zubaz pants to popular culture.

“At Kansas State University, we’re trying to recapture some of the magic that nearly brought us to the top of the mountain during the 1990s,” wrote Snyder, whose Wildcats are off to a 1-2 start this year. “Obviously, we’re doing everything we can to restore the pride, but we need your help as well.”

Snyder, 69, led one of the greatest turnarounds in NCAA history – taking over the Kansas State football program in 1989, just before the explosion of Zubaz pants into popular culture. Before Snyder arrived, Kansas State had one of the worst football programs in college football. However, within 10 years, he had the Wildcats on the brink of a national championship game in 1998.

“Players like Michael Bishop, Terrance Newman and Darren Sproles helped us build the football dynasty, but Zubaz pants were so flippin’ comfortable. A lot of people don’t know this but I actually did most of my coaching in those pants,” said Snyder. “And you could get them in any color combination. It was crazy. You could walk around in purple and white Zubaz pants all day long. We’ve got to bring them back. For the good of K-State.”

After two losing seasons, Snyder announced his retirement in 2005. He was followed by Ron Prince, who took the Wildcats to a bowl game in 2006 before watching the program spiral downward until he was fired after last season. Faced with the prospect of falling entirely off the college football landscape, Kansas State once again turned to Snyder to lead the team back to the top of the Big 12 conference.

“If we could just bring those pants back, it will be just like it was back in the early 90’s, and I think that sets us up for another nice run in the Big 12 north,” said Snyder.

The return of Friends was also highlighted many times throughout the letter. Snyder points out that the show was picked up by NBC early in 1994, just a few months after his first bowl win as the Wildcats’ coach. As Friends was climbing the ratings charts, the Wildcats were climbing the polls.

“A lot of people give the sole credit to me for the turnaround,” Snyder said. “Of course, I was in the office close to 20, 21 hours a day. But for at least two hours each day I was kicking back in my recliner, cracking up at Chandler and Joey, one of the greatest 1-2 combinations in television history.

Friends went off the air in 2004. We missed our first bowl game in 12 years in 2004 and things haven’t been the same since.”

Word of the letter received mixed reaction from K-State fans.

“Is that what old people are watching these days, Friends?” said Kansas State freshman and Derrick Ryland. “I guess it’s better than Matlock. But unless it’s helping him recruit a 4-star quarterback, I’m not sure how it’s going to help K-State win again. And I don’t know what the hell Zubaz are.”

Dayton Moore hits man with car; asks victim to “Trust the Process”

BLUE SPRINGS – Kansas City Royals General Manager Dayton Moore allegedly struck a pedestrian in a crosswalk today, causing non-life threatening injuries. The victim, Roger Williams, 24, was treated at an area hospital and released.

Witnesses say Moore’s BMW rolled up to a red light, but didn’t immediately stop, striking Williams and knocking him to the ground. With those close rushing to the victim’s aid, Moore jumped out of his car, pointing to the crosswalk as the culprit.

“I thought it was weird that the first thing the driver did was get out of his car and blame the crosswalk,” said Alice Yager, who was walking her dog nearby when the accident occurred. “He kept yelling that he’d already driven two miles without hitting anyone, so it couldn’t be his fault and that the crosswalk was too wide. It didn’t really make any sense.”

Moore visited the victim at the hospital, offering his well wishes and telling Williams that he’s much less likely to be struck by a car in the future.

“He told me that if I would ‘trust the process’, this won’t happen again, and I’ll be a much more successful walker,” says Williams. “He kept saying that again and again. ‘Trust the process guy. Trust the process.’ I’ll be honest, I didn’t really know what that meant, but I was so confused when he finished, I just smiled and said thank you. I think he’s just trying not to get sued.”

Moore, who has overseen the Kansas City Royals the last three years, assured fans and citizens that his driving record is impeccable, but that BMW and the lack of funding by Blue Springs allowed the accident to occur.

“There’s a process to driving, and walking without getting hit. You’ve got to trust that process,” Moore said. “Without that process, there are no results. Only by trusting the process can we find success, and success comes through trusting the process we’ve put in place. Also, I’m pretty sure that guy couldn’t turn a 3-6-3 double play to save his life.”

Chiefs’ community service ends with screaming, tears

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – A community service program was ended abruptly on Tuesday after an obscenity-laced tirade from Kansas City Chiefs’ head coach Todd Haley brought several children to tears.

The program, “Hangin’ with Haley,” is designed to bring the Chiefs’ new head coach to a different library every week, where he spends two hours reading children’s books to preschoolers through third grade. In the

Theresa Robinett, a kindergarten teacher at Holy Word Catholic Grade School said the coach’s reading angry almost without warning.

“It came out of nowhere. One minute, he was reading Curious George and the next, he was telling a group of children that if they didn’t sit still, he was going to shove their asses into a trash can and punt them down the fucking road,” said Robinett. “He really got in their faces too. His chair was about 10 feet away from the group, but he was scooting up and pointing his finger at them as he shouted.”

While the initial burst of anger merely shocked the kids, it was Haley’s next tirade that brought on the tears. The coach, who appeared to be aggravated by the fidgeting of a few children, slammed the book down, then kicked the chair.

“Who the fuck do you kids think you are? You’re nobody,” Haley was reported to have shouted. “I’m out here, trying to read about a goddamn monkey and some fucker in a yellow fucking hat and you can’t sit still for one goddamn second. This is bullshit. Get your fucking heads in the game or get the fuck out of my library.”

With parents standing in the back of the room in shock, and kids starting to well up with tears, Haley slammed his visor to the floor and stormed out of the room, calling one woman fat and kicking a water fountain on his way out.

John Gorgino, whose 7-year-old son was in the group targeted by Haley, and a die-hard Chiefs’ fan, said the reaction is understandable because of the coaching system Haley came up through.

“You know, this guy learned under Bill Parcells. That’s the kind of attitude he brings,” said Gorgino, who was decked out in a Chiefs sweatshirt and jeans shorts. “Do I endorse yelling and swearing at kids? Well, if he can win like coach Parcells won, he can say anything he wants. Although, I do wish he would have refrained from calling my son the stupidest mother fucker in the first grade. That was probably over the line.”

Chiefs’ spokesperson Bob Moore said the “Hangin’ With Haley” program was on temporary hiatus, but that Haley himself had positive words to say about the experience.

“Todd Haley is a great football coach, but he’s not used to dealing with anything but perfection. He saw a lot of potential in that room, but he’s not used to anyone, even kids, not giving him their undivided attention. We think down the road, those kids can use this as a learning exercise to pay better attention in school. Also, Coach thought there were a lot of fatties in there. So if he does go back, he’ll have a conditioning program ready.”