LIBERTY HILL, Texas – Kansas City Royals manager Trey Hillman has spent this off season working hard on thinking of ways to integrate new Royals into the roster and making them feel welcome by referring to them by a folksy nickname.
Hillman, known for his pornstar-esque mustache, his inability to stick with a roster, his team’s sub-par fundamentals, and his ability to stick a “y” on the end of everyone’s name, said he works nearly the entire off season to ensure everyone on the team has a nickname.
“Guys like Farnsey, Hosey, Jack, Gordy, Gilly and Davey, the nicknames really let them know they’re part of the team,” said Hillman, who said a bitter argument with Jose Guillen early in his tenure as Royals manager led him to come up with the nickname idea. “When I call Hosey “Hosey”, it lets him know that this is kind of a laid back, relaxed atmosphere, and not a place where he needs to threaten to kill me.”
Hillman’s perception of the success of his nicknames has led him to spend most of his off time thinking about what to call new guys, and if any of the current players need a new nickname.
“When we signed Jason Kendall, you’d think the first thing I would do is look at his stats, look at some film on him and see how we can best use him,” said Hillman. “What I actually did was spend an entire week decided whether to call him Jay-Jay, or Kendy. The stats thing will work itself out down the road.”
Monday, December 21, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Delusional Jayhawk fan mocks Missouri for “only making the Texas bowl”
BONNER SPRINGS – Delusional Kansas Jayhawk fan Pat Williams spent 15 minutes making fun of his neighbor, Sam Millsboro, the Missouri Tigers and the Tigers spot in the Texas Bowl.
The Missouri Tigers, who went 8-4 this season, will play Navy on December 31st in Dallas. While it’s played in an area where Missouri recruits, and televised on ESPN, the Texas Bowl is commonly reserved for the final Big 12 team selected, something Williams brought up repeatedly.
Despite returning nearly all of their offensive weapons, Kansas did not qualify for a bowl and fired its coach. Still, according to Williams, it’s a much better time to be a Jayhawk fan.
“The Texas Bowl is a joke, it’s barely even a bowl. I’d probably be a little embarrassed if my team accepted an invite to it,” said Williams, wearing a sweatshirt purchased at the Fort Worth Bowl in 2005.
Millsboro, who played football at Missouri, graduating in 1974, said he tries to avoid talking to Williams, but happened to be outside putting up Christmas lights when Williams walked by with his dog.
“He does this a lot. When we first moved in, it bothered me, but now, honestly, I just try to avoid him,” said Millsboro. “I don’t think he went to KU, and he really doesn’t know that much about sports, but I guess it’s better than him asking how my wife and kids are again. My wife and daughter were killed in a car accident two years ago. I’m not sure how he doesn’t remember. He was at the funeral. I remember, because he gave me a hard time about scheduling the service during a KU game.”
The Missouri Tigers, who went 8-4 this season, will play Navy on December 31st in Dallas. While it’s played in an area where Missouri recruits, and televised on ESPN, the Texas Bowl is commonly reserved for the final Big 12 team selected, something Williams brought up repeatedly.
Despite returning nearly all of their offensive weapons, Kansas did not qualify for a bowl and fired its coach. Still, according to Williams, it’s a much better time to be a Jayhawk fan.
“The Texas Bowl is a joke, it’s barely even a bowl. I’d probably be a little embarrassed if my team accepted an invite to it,” said Williams, wearing a sweatshirt purchased at the Fort Worth Bowl in 2005.
Millsboro, who played football at Missouri, graduating in 1974, said he tries to avoid talking to Williams, but happened to be outside putting up Christmas lights when Williams walked by with his dog.
“He does this a lot. When we first moved in, it bothered me, but now, honestly, I just try to avoid him,” said Millsboro. “I don’t think he went to KU, and he really doesn’t know that much about sports, but I guess it’s better than him asking how my wife and kids are again. My wife and daughter were killed in a car accident two years ago. I’m not sure how he doesn’t remember. He was at the funeral. I remember, because he gave me a hard time about scheduling the service during a KU game.”
Dayton Moore kicked out of his fantasy baseball league
ATLANTA – Kansas City Royals General Manager Dayton Moore has been kicked out of the fantasy baseball league he’s participated in for the last seven years, according to sources close to the situation.
Moore, who began playing in the Yahoo! rotisserie keeper league, “Brave Brainpower” in 2002, has finished in last place three of the past four seasons, including last year’s debacle when he finished last in home runs, RBIs, runs scored, on-base percentage, walks and OPS.
It appears the decision was made during the winter meetings when Moore’s team, “the Processing Processors” finalized his keepers for the 2010 season, choosing to keep Willie Bloomquist, Willy Tavares, Edgar Renteria and Eric Bynes.
“Dayton isn’t being kicked out, we just decided to trim the league by one member,” said the league’s commissioner, who refused to be named, but goes by the username JShuerBrave. “It’s not that he wasn’t active. He was very active; probably more so than everyone else combined. We just want guys who are going to take this seriously, and not go out of their way to create the worst possible offensive lineup every day.”
Moore said there were no hard feelings and that he already had his hands full running three other fantasy teams.
“The thing they didn’t understand was that I was building something special, the process just hadn’t shown results yet,” said Moore. “But it’s cool, I was already spending a good 10 to 15 hours during the week managing four teams. This should free up some more time to concentrate on those teams.”
Moore, who began playing in the Yahoo! rotisserie keeper league, “Brave Brainpower” in 2002, has finished in last place three of the past four seasons, including last year’s debacle when he finished last in home runs, RBIs, runs scored, on-base percentage, walks and OPS.
It appears the decision was made during the winter meetings when Moore’s team, “the Processing Processors” finalized his keepers for the 2010 season, choosing to keep Willie Bloomquist, Willy Tavares, Edgar Renteria and Eric Bynes.
“Dayton isn’t being kicked out, we just decided to trim the league by one member,” said the league’s commissioner, who refused to be named, but goes by the username JShuerBrave. “It’s not that he wasn’t active. He was very active; probably more so than everyone else combined. We just want guys who are going to take this seriously, and not go out of their way to create the worst possible offensive lineup every day.”
Moore said there were no hard feelings and that he already had his hands full running three other fantasy teams.
“The thing they didn’t understand was that I was building something special, the process just hadn’t shown results yet,” said Moore. “But it’s cool, I was already spending a good 10 to 15 hours during the week managing four teams. This should free up some more time to concentrate on those teams.”
New Jersey sports writer just realized Kansas and Kansas State not the same team
MADISON, NJ – In addition to surprising college basketball fans across the country and becoming one of the early feel-good stories of the season, the Kansas State Wildcat basketball team is helping educate those not familiar with the Midwest.
Frank Legozamo, a sports writer for the New Jersey Standard, a small weekly newspaper, was recently hit with the revelation that there is more than one Division-I university in the state of Kansas. Legozamo said the fact hit him while reading the AP story on the top-25 this week.
“The first two paragraphs were all about Kansas State entering the top-25 for the first time this year, but I was almost positive Kansas was ranked No. 1 from the start,” said Legozamo. “I was in the middle of writing an e-mail to the AP writer when I looked up Kansas’ record. That’s when it hit me that there was a difference between Kansas and Kansas State. I just figured it was like Memphis.”
Legozamo said he doesn’t spend much time writing, watching or thinking about any of the “worthless fly over states”. He said he vaguely remembers seeing a Kansas State football game early in the decade, but figured the football team wore purple and the basketball team wore red and blue.
“Look, pretty much anything west of Philly may as well all be the same state,” said Legozamo. “Who would have thought a small state like Kansas would have enough people to fill two D-I universities. I guess it works if you put one in Kansas City and one in Wichita.”
Frank Legozamo, a sports writer for the New Jersey Standard, a small weekly newspaper, was recently hit with the revelation that there is more than one Division-I university in the state of Kansas. Legozamo said the fact hit him while reading the AP story on the top-25 this week.
“The first two paragraphs were all about Kansas State entering the top-25 for the first time this year, but I was almost positive Kansas was ranked No. 1 from the start,” said Legozamo. “I was in the middle of writing an e-mail to the AP writer when I looked up Kansas’ record. That’s when it hit me that there was a difference between Kansas and Kansas State. I just figured it was like Memphis.”
Legozamo said he doesn’t spend much time writing, watching or thinking about any of the “worthless fly over states”. He said he vaguely remembers seeing a Kansas State football game early in the decade, but figured the football team wore purple and the basketball team wore red and blue.
“Look, pretty much anything west of Philly may as well all be the same state,” said Legozamo. “Who would have thought a small state like Kansas would have enough people to fill two D-I universities. I guess it works if you put one in Kansas City and one in Wichita.”
K-State fans burn down announcers home, urinates on ashes
SHAWNEE – ESPN Announcer Dave Armstrong was horrified to find that his Shawnee house had been burned to the ground, and the ashes had been urinated upon by the arsonists.
Kansas State fans Richard Willis and Timothy Holt were arrested last Thursday night after evidence left at the house traced back to them. According to police reports, Willis and Holt were upset that Armstrong had mistakenly referred to a statue of Ernie Barrett as Fred Bramladge.
“I’m sure he knew who the statue was, but it was obvious that he just hates K-State and does everything in his power to make sure we look bad,” said Willis. “And if it was just a mistake, then he’s too stupid to be on tv anyway. Seriously, do some research on the team you’re covering. If all you know are the coaches, the players, the statistics, and college facts, then you’re a total fucking idiot who needs to be taught a lesson.”
Holt said burning down the house was the backup plan after their initial plan fell through.
“At first, we were just going to start an e-mail campaign to get him fired, but we thought that might be a little too harsh,” said Holt. “I know losing a house is tough, but he needed to learn a lesson that you don’t mess up facts about K-State. Or we will destroy you. Maybe next time Dave won’t show a complete and total bias against K-State.”
Armstrong, a professional of nearly 20 years who regularly calls games for the Big 12, the NFL among others said he thought the retribution was harsh, but it’s what’s to be expected when calling a K-State game.
“You come to expect that with Wildcat fans. But I should have known better than to make that mistake,” said Armstrong. “I do wish they hadn’t burnt down my house though. We had all our Christmas presents already wrapped. I mean, WOW, that’s going to be a lot of extra shopping.”
Kansas State fans Richard Willis and Timothy Holt were arrested last Thursday night after evidence left at the house traced back to them. According to police reports, Willis and Holt were upset that Armstrong had mistakenly referred to a statue of Ernie Barrett as Fred Bramladge.
“I’m sure he knew who the statue was, but it was obvious that he just hates K-State and does everything in his power to make sure we look bad,” said Willis. “And if it was just a mistake, then he’s too stupid to be on tv anyway. Seriously, do some research on the team you’re covering. If all you know are the coaches, the players, the statistics, and college facts, then you’re a total fucking idiot who needs to be taught a lesson.”
Holt said burning down the house was the backup plan after their initial plan fell through.
“At first, we were just going to start an e-mail campaign to get him fired, but we thought that might be a little too harsh,” said Holt. “I know losing a house is tough, but he needed to learn a lesson that you don’t mess up facts about K-State. Or we will destroy you. Maybe next time Dave won’t show a complete and total bias against K-State.”
Armstrong, a professional of nearly 20 years who regularly calls games for the Big 12, the NFL among others said he thought the retribution was harsh, but it’s what’s to be expected when calling a K-State game.
“You come to expect that with Wildcat fans. But I should have known better than to make that mistake,” said Armstrong. “I do wish they hadn’t burnt down my house though. We had all our Christmas presents already wrapped. I mean, WOW, that’s going to be a lot of extra shopping.”
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Guy who drafted all Chiefs still looking for first win
MOBERLY, Mo. – The Kansas City Chiefs may have won their second game of the season, but it was no consolation to Steven Valdenrammer, who saw his fantasy football team, the “Valden’s Rammers” drop to 0-10 on the season.
This week, Valdenrammer lost to the “Team McMannis”, run by Katie McMannis, girlfriend of Tim Schroder. “Team McMannis”, missing three starters because Katie hasn’t checked her team in three weeks, managed to crush Valdenrammer’s squad 61-44. It was McMannis’ first win of the season and Valdenrammer’s second highest scoring total of the year.
“We brought Katie in because we needed an extra person. She doesn’t even watch football,” said Schroder. “When I told her she won, she had forgotten all about the league.”
Valdenrammer, whose draft strategy consists of drafting as many Chiefs players as possible, has not won a fantasy league game in nearly two years, dating back to week four of 2008, when Larry Johnson’s two-touchdown performance helped push him to a 71-64 win over the “Wee Man Giants”, who had three guys on a bye week.
This season, Valdenrammer used his first round pick on Dwayne Bowe, his second on Matt Cassel and third on Larry Johnson. From there, he selected Chiefs at random, filling up his roster. Unfortunately, he was unaware the Chiefs had let go of Conner Barth, so he failed to draft kicker Ryan Succop. Because of his “Chiefs’ only” policy, he’s played this season without a kicker.
“It’s frustrating, but what are you going to do? This strategy worked wonders for me a few years ago,” said Valdenrammer, who pays $50 to gain entrance to the league. “Back in the days of Trent Green, Tony Gonzalez, Priest Holmes and a Hall of Fame offensive line, an all-Chiefs roster was unstoppable. They’ll get back to that point soon. Right?”
This week, Valdenrammer lost to the “Team McMannis”, run by Katie McMannis, girlfriend of Tim Schroder. “Team McMannis”, missing three starters because Katie hasn’t checked her team in three weeks, managed to crush Valdenrammer’s squad 61-44. It was McMannis’ first win of the season and Valdenrammer’s second highest scoring total of the year.
“We brought Katie in because we needed an extra person. She doesn’t even watch football,” said Schroder. “When I told her she won, she had forgotten all about the league.”
Valdenrammer, whose draft strategy consists of drafting as many Chiefs players as possible, has not won a fantasy league game in nearly two years, dating back to week four of 2008, when Larry Johnson’s two-touchdown performance helped push him to a 71-64 win over the “Wee Man Giants”, who had three guys on a bye week.
This season, Valdenrammer used his first round pick on Dwayne Bowe, his second on Matt Cassel and third on Larry Johnson. From there, he selected Chiefs at random, filling up his roster. Unfortunately, he was unaware the Chiefs had let go of Conner Barth, so he failed to draft kicker Ryan Succop. Because of his “Chiefs’ only” policy, he’s played this season without a kicker.
“It’s frustrating, but what are you going to do? This strategy worked wonders for me a few years ago,” said Valdenrammer, who pays $50 to gain entrance to the league. “Back in the days of Trent Green, Tony Gonzalez, Priest Holmes and a Hall of Fame offensive line, an all-Chiefs roster was unstoppable. They’ll get back to that point soon. Right?”
Ron Prince really hoping KU looking for “Bold and Daring” head coach
CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. – Former Kansas State head football coach Ron Prince admitted he is quietly hoping the University of Kansas will be searching for a “bold and daring” head coach if the Jayhawks fire Mark Mangino, according to sources close to the situation.
Prince, currently working as the special teams coach at the University of Virginia, was a virtual unknown when he was hired by Kansas State to replace Bill Snyder after Snyder’s sudden retirement in 2005.
Despite leading the Wildcats to a bowl game his first season, and scoring two upset victories over Texas, Prince quickly found himself under fire from Kansas State fans and donors, who didn’t care for his dictatorship-like tactics, his underwhelming recruiting, or the fact that he went 0-9 against Kansas, Missouri and Nebraska. Attempting fake punts from inside his own 30 didn’t go over well either.
The source, who refused to be named, said Prince was touting his resume, which included a bowl appearance, two wins over a nationally ranked program, a first-round draft pick quarterback, and a coaching tree that includes an NFL head coach.
“He was pretty adamant that the losses weren’t his fault, most of those were because of the players,” said the source. “I mean, the Texas wins, those were all him. And those great special teams, he was the one who helped mold those. But the losses, I mean, the coach can’t be everywhere at once.”
According to the source, in addition to looking for someone “bold and daring”, Prince is also hoping Kansas Athletic Director Lew Perkins is looking for a leader who will, “coach smart, not scared.”
Prince, currently working as the special teams coach at the University of Virginia, was a virtual unknown when he was hired by Kansas State to replace Bill Snyder after Snyder’s sudden retirement in 2005.
Despite leading the Wildcats to a bowl game his first season, and scoring two upset victories over Texas, Prince quickly found himself under fire from Kansas State fans and donors, who didn’t care for his dictatorship-like tactics, his underwhelming recruiting, or the fact that he went 0-9 against Kansas, Missouri and Nebraska. Attempting fake punts from inside his own 30 didn’t go over well either.
The source, who refused to be named, said Prince was touting his resume, which included a bowl appearance, two wins over a nationally ranked program, a first-round draft pick quarterback, and a coaching tree that includes an NFL head coach.
“He was pretty adamant that the losses weren’t his fault, most of those were because of the players,” said the source. “I mean, the Texas wins, those were all him. And those great special teams, he was the one who helped mold those. But the losses, I mean, the coach can’t be everywhere at once.”
According to the source, in addition to looking for someone “bold and daring”, Prince is also hoping Kansas Athletic Director Lew Perkins is looking for a leader who will, “coach smart, not scared.”
Thursday, November 12, 2009
KU’s “Waving the wheat” a stupid tradition, says guy wearing corn on his head
OSBORN – High school student and Nebraska fan Tommy Harold described the “waving the wheat” tradition among University of Kansas students as “stupid” last Saturday during the Huskers’ 10-3 win over Oklahoma.
For years, the Jayhawk fans have celebrated touchdowns by raising their arms above their head and moving them side to side, as if to give the impression of Kansas wheat, waving in the wind.
Harold, wearing one of those giant yellow hats in the shape of a corn stalk, said the Jayhawk fans looked ridiculous when performing the waving action.
“What a bunch of ‘tards man,” said Harold, who, no kidding, has two separate corn hats, one for home games and one for watching tv while sitting on the couch. “Ooooo. Waving wheat. Because wheat grows in Kansas. How ingenious. Don’t they realize how stupid that makes them look?”
For years, the Jayhawk fans have celebrated touchdowns by raising their arms above their head and moving them side to side, as if to give the impression of Kansas wheat, waving in the wind.
Harold, wearing one of those giant yellow hats in the shape of a corn stalk, said the Jayhawk fans looked ridiculous when performing the waving action.
“What a bunch of ‘tards man,” said Harold, who, no kidding, has two separate corn hats, one for home games and one for watching tv while sitting on the couch. “Ooooo. Waving wheat. Because wheat grows in Kansas. How ingenious. Don’t they realize how stupid that makes them look?”
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
810 insiders: Kevin Kietzman kind of a whiney bitch
LEAWOOD – In a surprise to no one, reports are coming out of the 810 WHB studios that Kevin Ketizman, part owner of the radio station and host of the drive time show “Between the Lines” is a whiney bitch about pretty much everything.
While Kietzman is never at a loss for pissing and moaning about something insignificant, his latest tantrum occurred Monday, when he attacked his own radio station for ignoring the Kansas State Wildcats and their rise as the only non-horrible football team in the Big 12 North.
“He called an all-hands meeting among the hosts and demanded they all start talking about K-State. He was pretty upset. His voice kept cracking and I’m pretty sure he was fighting back tears,” said one intern who said most people were unfazed by the outburst. “This happens about once a month.”
Multiple insiders at the WHB studios said Kietzman may be best served by scaling back his show by a few hours to allow time for an afternoon nap.
“You remember when your kid was four years old, and he’d stayed up way too late the night before but got up at his usual time, and now it’s 4:30 in the afternoon and you’re in the grocery store and he’s screaming the top of his lungs and throwing things out of your cart?” said an 810 executive who refused to be named. “Kevin Kietzman is that four year old. Only with an ego the size of Texas.”
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaa,” said Kietzman, when reached for comment. “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”
While Kietzman is never at a loss for pissing and moaning about something insignificant, his latest tantrum occurred Monday, when he attacked his own radio station for ignoring the Kansas State Wildcats and their rise as the only non-horrible football team in the Big 12 North.
“He called an all-hands meeting among the hosts and demanded they all start talking about K-State. He was pretty upset. His voice kept cracking and I’m pretty sure he was fighting back tears,” said one intern who said most people were unfazed by the outburst. “This happens about once a month.”
Multiple insiders at the WHB studios said Kietzman may be best served by scaling back his show by a few hours to allow time for an afternoon nap.
“You remember when your kid was four years old, and he’d stayed up way too late the night before but got up at his usual time, and now it’s 4:30 in the afternoon and you’re in the grocery store and he’s screaming the top of his lungs and throwing things out of your cart?” said an 810 executive who refused to be named. “Kevin Kietzman is that four year old. Only with an ego the size of Texas.”
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaa,” said Kietzman, when reached for comment. “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Petition pointless, Larry Johnson unlikely to gain another 75 yards anyway
KANSAS CITY, Mo. – NFL experts and fantasy football team owners around the United States are chuckling at the petition floating around Kansas City, which asks the Chiefs’ staff to keep running back Larry Johnson from breaking the franchinse rushing record.
Johnson, who was suspended a week ago for using a gay slur and apparently questioning head coach Todd Haley’s credibility on Twitter, is just 73 yards away from tying Priest Holmes’ franchise rushing record of 5,933 yards.
Recently, three Chiefs fans started an online petition asking the front office and coaching staff to ensure Johnson does not get the opportunity to break the record. The petition has garnered nationwide publicity and has nearly 10,000 signatures.
Those who really follow football, however, say the petition is a useless gesture, mostly because there’s no way in hell Johnson will run for 74 more yards this season, even if he starts every remaining game.
Johnson is averaging 2.7 yards per carry this season and has zero touchdowns. If he keeps up the YPC average, he’d need around 30 carries to break Holmes’ mark and cement himself into Chiefs’ history. According to NFL insider Hal Nickenbockel, this whole process is a waste of time, because at this point Johnson can barely carry groceries three yards without falling down.
“You don’t need a petition to stop Larry Johnson, all it takes is about two and a half yards and footsteps,” said Nickenbockel. “Four years ago, Larry Johnson was running behind a Hall of Fame offensive line. Hell, Steve Bono could have started at running back and gained 1,000 yards behind that line. Those days are long gone. At this point, Johnson is falling down when he watches football on his big screen HDTV.”
Nearly everyone who has drafted Larry Johnson in fantasy football the past two seasons are also confused as to why a petition is necessary. Johnson, a former first-round lock, is now available in most every league, mostly because he sucks balls at football.
“I appreciate what the protesters are trying to accomplish, but to me, it doesn’t make much sense to go to all that work when it’s almost completely obvious there’s no way in hell “Lay-Down” Larry hits that mark this year,” said Troy Robinisky, a fantasy football player who has drafted Johnson the past four seasons. “He’s got, what, 9 games to gain 75 yards? Basically, he has to get slightly more than nine yards per game. Never gonna happen.”
Johnson, who was suspended a week ago for using a gay slur and apparently questioning head coach Todd Haley’s credibility on Twitter, is just 73 yards away from tying Priest Holmes’ franchise rushing record of 5,933 yards.
Recently, three Chiefs fans started an online petition asking the front office and coaching staff to ensure Johnson does not get the opportunity to break the record. The petition has garnered nationwide publicity and has nearly 10,000 signatures.
Those who really follow football, however, say the petition is a useless gesture, mostly because there’s no way in hell Johnson will run for 74 more yards this season, even if he starts every remaining game.
Johnson is averaging 2.7 yards per carry this season and has zero touchdowns. If he keeps up the YPC average, he’d need around 30 carries to break Holmes’ mark and cement himself into Chiefs’ history. According to NFL insider Hal Nickenbockel, this whole process is a waste of time, because at this point Johnson can barely carry groceries three yards without falling down.
“You don’t need a petition to stop Larry Johnson, all it takes is about two and a half yards and footsteps,” said Nickenbockel. “Four years ago, Larry Johnson was running behind a Hall of Fame offensive line. Hell, Steve Bono could have started at running back and gained 1,000 yards behind that line. Those days are long gone. At this point, Johnson is falling down when he watches football on his big screen HDTV.”
Nearly everyone who has drafted Larry Johnson in fantasy football the past two seasons are also confused as to why a petition is necessary. Johnson, a former first-round lock, is now available in most every league, mostly because he sucks balls at football.
“I appreciate what the protesters are trying to accomplish, but to me, it doesn’t make much sense to go to all that work when it’s almost completely obvious there’s no way in hell “Lay-Down” Larry hits that mark this year,” said Troy Robinisky, a fantasy football player who has drafted Johnson the past four seasons. “He’s got, what, 9 games to gain 75 yards? Basically, he has to get slightly more than nine yards per game. Never gonna happen.”
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Scott Pioli still wearing Darth Vader costume
KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Members of the Kansas City Chiefs organization are starting to question why Chiefs’ General Manager, Scott Pioli, continues to wear his Halloween costume.
Pioli, who dressed up as Darth Vader from Star Wars for Halloween, continues to show up to his office in full gear, doing his best to stay in character at all times. He initially wore the costume the Friday before Halloween, drawing chuckles from Chiefs’ employees who said his real life personality mirrored closely with the former Anikin Skywalker.
However, Chiefs’ employees are confused as to why Pioli has worn the costume to the office the past three days.
“Maybe he just wants to get his money’s worth,” said Jeff Traber, who works in the season ticket sales group at Arrowhead. “It doesn’t look like a cheap, plastic costume. It looks like Mr. Pioli spent a lot of money on that thing.”
Some staffers say it’s not just the costume that bothers them, but the way Pioli has been acting while wearing the Vader helmet. He continuously makes demands while waving his hand in the air, as if trying to perform the famed “Jedi Mind Trick.”
His actions aren’t limited to the staffers either. Pioli kept his costume on during a meeting with Chiefs veteran lineman Brian Waters, leading to an odd action when the discussion became heated.
“We were yelling at each other about my role as a leader, and he suddenly yelled, ‘You have failed me for the last time!’ and put his hand up, as if he was choking the air,” said Waters. “I’m not sure what he thought was going to happen, or if he thought I was going to fall over dead, but I’m pretty sure that helmet is cutting off the circulation to his brain.”
The first-year GM has also been responding to media questions with odd, cryptic responses, keeping in character with the evil Sith Lord.
“I find your lack of faith disturbing,” replied Pioli when asked about the Chiefs chances to finish out of the AFC West cellar.
“He’s saying that kind of shit all the time now. It’s not only kind of creepy, but most of it doesn’t make much sense,” said Ron Goreman, a media relations intern. “Mr. Hunt walked into a room the other day, and Pioli gets down on one knee and says, ‘What is thy bidding, my master?’ How ’bout win a goddamn game. Make that your bidding. Make winning your bidding. Not dressing up in a freaking costume.”
While Chiefs’ head of PR Bob Moore calls the costume, “a harmless motivational tool for employees,” most of the Chiefs staff would appreciate Pioli returning to his usual, assholish self, without the costume.
Seriously, why the hell does he still have that thing on?” asked Jenny Turner, a Marketing Assistant for the Chiefs. “I dressed up as a slutty teacher for Halloween, but there’s no way they’d allow me to continue wearing that costume into the office. Unless, you know, Len Dawson gets his way.”
Pioli, who dressed up as Darth Vader from Star Wars for Halloween, continues to show up to his office in full gear, doing his best to stay in character at all times. He initially wore the costume the Friday before Halloween, drawing chuckles from Chiefs’ employees who said his real life personality mirrored closely with the former Anikin Skywalker.
However, Chiefs’ employees are confused as to why Pioli has worn the costume to the office the past three days.
“Maybe he just wants to get his money’s worth,” said Jeff Traber, who works in the season ticket sales group at Arrowhead. “It doesn’t look like a cheap, plastic costume. It looks like Mr. Pioli spent a lot of money on that thing.”
Some staffers say it’s not just the costume that bothers them, but the way Pioli has been acting while wearing the Vader helmet. He continuously makes demands while waving his hand in the air, as if trying to perform the famed “Jedi Mind Trick.”
His actions aren’t limited to the staffers either. Pioli kept his costume on during a meeting with Chiefs veteran lineman Brian Waters, leading to an odd action when the discussion became heated.
“We were yelling at each other about my role as a leader, and he suddenly yelled, ‘You have failed me for the last time!’ and put his hand up, as if he was choking the air,” said Waters. “I’m not sure what he thought was going to happen, or if he thought I was going to fall over dead, but I’m pretty sure that helmet is cutting off the circulation to his brain.”
The first-year GM has also been responding to media questions with odd, cryptic responses, keeping in character with the evil Sith Lord.
“I find your lack of faith disturbing,” replied Pioli when asked about the Chiefs chances to finish out of the AFC West cellar.
“He’s saying that kind of shit all the time now. It’s not only kind of creepy, but most of it doesn’t make much sense,” said Ron Goreman, a media relations intern. “Mr. Hunt walked into a room the other day, and Pioli gets down on one knee and says, ‘What is thy bidding, my master?’ How ’bout win a goddamn game. Make that your bidding. Make winning your bidding. Not dressing up in a freaking costume.”
While Chiefs’ head of PR Bob Moore calls the costume, “a harmless motivational tool for employees,” most of the Chiefs staff would appreciate Pioli returning to his usual, assholish self, without the costume.
Seriously, why the hell does he still have that thing on?” asked Jenny Turner, a Marketing Assistant for the Chiefs. “I dressed up as a slutty teacher for Halloween, but there’s no way they’d allow me to continue wearing that costume into the office. Unless, you know, Len Dawson gets his way.”
Monday, November 2, 2009
Mangino accused of kicking Reesing’s puppy, defecating in his bedroom
LAWRENCE – Nearly three weeks after discussing his intention to actively promote his senior quarterback for the Heisman Award, University of Kansas coach Mark Mangino benched Todd Reesing during the Jayhawks’ loss to Texas Tech on Saturday in Lubbock.
To ensure Reesing got the message his coach was unsatisfied with his performance, Mangino visited Reesing’s apartment on Sunday and proceeded to allegedly kick the quarterback’s dog, Princess, and take a giant dump on the floor of the QB’s room.
“It came out of nowhere,” said Reesing’s roommate Jake Tranlett, who answered the coach’s knocking at around 8:15 a.m. Sunday. “I open the door and Coach Mangino storms through, kicking the dog on his way to Todd’s room. I mean, Todd woke up to the sight of a gigantic man doing his morning business right in the middle of his floor.”
Just three weeks prior, the Jayhawks were flying high at 6-0, and coming off a win against Iowa State when Mangino said he would actively campaign Reesing for the Heisman. However, KU has recently collapsed, with losses to Colorado, Oklahoma and the Red Raiders, to put Kansas at 1-3 in the Big 12, making every remaining game a seemingly “must-win” if the Jayhawks are to have any shot at the Big 12 North.
Mangino’s visit left Princess, a yorkie-poo, shaken up but unharmed. It was the mess in Reesing’s room that caused the biggest trouble.
“That was disgusting,” said Tranlett, who started gagging while discussing the incident. “It was just – oh my god, that was gross.”
Mangino said he simply wanted to send a message the his star quarterback, who has helped lead Kansas to three bowl wins and pushed KU into NCAA football relevance for perhaps the first time ever, needed to step up his play.
“Todd hasn’t played as well as he’s capable of, and I think he knows that. But I just wanted to make sure he got the message that I’m not pleased,” said Mangino, who said he’s done promoting Reesing for the Heisman, but continues to put in a good word elsewhere. “I still think he’ll make an excellent hobbit.”
To ensure Reesing got the message his coach was unsatisfied with his performance, Mangino visited Reesing’s apartment on Sunday and proceeded to allegedly kick the quarterback’s dog, Princess, and take a giant dump on the floor of the QB’s room.
“It came out of nowhere,” said Reesing’s roommate Jake Tranlett, who answered the coach’s knocking at around 8:15 a.m. Sunday. “I open the door and Coach Mangino storms through, kicking the dog on his way to Todd’s room. I mean, Todd woke up to the sight of a gigantic man doing his morning business right in the middle of his floor.”
Just three weeks prior, the Jayhawks were flying high at 6-0, and coming off a win against Iowa State when Mangino said he would actively campaign Reesing for the Heisman. However, KU has recently collapsed, with losses to Colorado, Oklahoma and the Red Raiders, to put Kansas at 1-3 in the Big 12, making every remaining game a seemingly “must-win” if the Jayhawks are to have any shot at the Big 12 North.
Mangino’s visit left Princess, a yorkie-poo, shaken up but unharmed. It was the mess in Reesing’s room that caused the biggest trouble.
“That was disgusting,” said Tranlett, who started gagging while discussing the incident. “It was just – oh my god, that was gross.”
Mangino said he simply wanted to send a message the his star quarterback, who has helped lead Kansas to three bowl wins and pushed KU into NCAA football relevance for perhaps the first time ever, needed to step up his play.
“Todd hasn’t played as well as he’s capable of, and I think he knows that. But I just wanted to make sure he got the message that I’m not pleased,” said Mangino, who said he’s done promoting Reesing for the Heisman, but continues to put in a good word elsewhere. “I still think he’ll make an excellent hobbit.”
Matt Cassel behind Larry Johnson’s “Twittergate”
KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel was on the phone with running back Larry Johnson the evening that Johnson went on a Twitter tirade against Chiefs coach Todd Haley, prompting a two-week suspension and non-stop media scrutiny, sources reported Monday.
Confronted with phone records confirming that the two had spoke, Johnson broke down, confessing it was at Cassel’s urging that he spouted off about Haley after the two spoke following the Chiefs’ loss to San Diego. According to Johnson, Cassel spoke with Chiefs’ running back after the loss, hinting at the lack of credibility of the Chiefs’ coach, Todd Haley.
“He called me up, and just started venting about the game. At first, he didn’t come right out and tell me to say anything, he just started saying stuff as we got dressed, like, ‘That dude Haley’s kind of a pain in the ass, isn’t he? But I guess you learn a lot about football on a golf course,’” Johnson said. “Then, he was like, ‘Larry, you’re the leader of this offense. Guys respect you. I’m not saying we need to call a press conference, but damn, someone should call him out on this bs. Plus, isn’t your dad a coach?’ He just kept saying stuff like that over and over. I’m an emotional guy after a loss. He got to me.”
Johnson’s confession confirms what one high-ranking Chiefs official had speculated about, that Cassel, whom came to the Chiefs from the New England Patriots via trade during the off-season, encouraged, then demanded, that Johnson make outlandish statements, thus taking the focus off the Chiefs QB.
“For as awful of a year that (Cassel)’s had, it makes sense he’d want to keep the attention off of him,” said one Chiefs executive, who refused to be named for fear of losing his job. “We’re 1-6 right now, and have shown almost no hope of improving. At the beginning, people were blaming the offensive line, but the guy signed a $63 million contract this year. How long before he’s held accountable for his performance?”
Cassel has started six games for the Chiefs, compiling eight touchdowns with five interceptions and 994 yards. He leads an offense that is last in the NFL in total yards, last in the NFL in passing yards and third to last in scoring. Yet, thus far, much of the blame has been directed at the offensive line or a sub par group of receivers. However, in the Chiefs last game, against San Diego, Cassel completed 10 of 25 passes for 95 yards, three interceptions and a touchdown, and grumblings about his performance started to surface.
“The guy has been really, really bad,” the Chiefs’ executive said. “But I guess he studied public relations at USC, because all anyone can talk about is ‘Larry the nut job.’ Matt continues to get away with a quarterback rating of 73, and $60 million.”
Confronted with phone records confirming that the two had spoke, Johnson broke down, confessing it was at Cassel’s urging that he spouted off about Haley after the two spoke following the Chiefs’ loss to San Diego. According to Johnson, Cassel spoke with Chiefs’ running back after the loss, hinting at the lack of credibility of the Chiefs’ coach, Todd Haley.
“He called me up, and just started venting about the game. At first, he didn’t come right out and tell me to say anything, he just started saying stuff as we got dressed, like, ‘That dude Haley’s kind of a pain in the ass, isn’t he? But I guess you learn a lot about football on a golf course,’” Johnson said. “Then, he was like, ‘Larry, you’re the leader of this offense. Guys respect you. I’m not saying we need to call a press conference, but damn, someone should call him out on this bs. Plus, isn’t your dad a coach?’ He just kept saying stuff like that over and over. I’m an emotional guy after a loss. He got to me.”
Johnson’s confession confirms what one high-ranking Chiefs official had speculated about, that Cassel, whom came to the Chiefs from the New England Patriots via trade during the off-season, encouraged, then demanded, that Johnson make outlandish statements, thus taking the focus off the Chiefs QB.
“For as awful of a year that (Cassel)’s had, it makes sense he’d want to keep the attention off of him,” said one Chiefs executive, who refused to be named for fear of losing his job. “We’re 1-6 right now, and have shown almost no hope of improving. At the beginning, people were blaming the offensive line, but the guy signed a $63 million contract this year. How long before he’s held accountable for his performance?”
Cassel has started six games for the Chiefs, compiling eight touchdowns with five interceptions and 994 yards. He leads an offense that is last in the NFL in total yards, last in the NFL in passing yards and third to last in scoring. Yet, thus far, much of the blame has been directed at the offensive line or a sub par group of receivers. However, in the Chiefs last game, against San Diego, Cassel completed 10 of 25 passes for 95 yards, three interceptions and a touchdown, and grumblings about his performance started to surface.
“The guy has been really, really bad,” the Chiefs’ executive said. “But I guess he studied public relations at USC, because all anyone can talk about is ‘Larry the nut job.’ Matt continues to get away with a quarterback rating of 73, and $60 million.”
Misleading poll: Excitement about Kansas City Wizards has never been higher
LEAVENWORTH – A recent poll of 10,000 local residents conducted by an independent researcher suggests the support for the Kansas City Wizards has never been higher.
The poll, commissioned by the Leavenworth Visitors’ Bureau, showed that nearly six percent of residents in the Kansas City metro and suburban area consider themselves “fans of the Wizards.” That number topples the previous high of four percent, which was recorded in 2000, shortly after the Wizards’ MLS Cup championship.
“I think this just shows that professional soccer is really coming around in Kansas City,” said Kip Scarborough, President of the Kansas City Wizards fan club. “If you had a group of 100 KC residents a few years ago, maybe three of them would claim to be Wizards fans. Now, that’s up to six. Six hundred people in the area consider themselves fans. I think we’re about to call check and mate to all those who doubted us.”
The poll wasn’t all good news. Just 17 people could name even a single player on the Wizards. Not 17 percent of people, but just 17 people out of 10,000 knew the name of at least one player on the team. That’s 0.17 percent.
Still, Scarborough said it was only a matter of time before soccer outpaced football and baseball as Kansas City’s premier sporting choice.
“You can see the enthusiasm in our fan club, which, for a few days, topped 50 people, before that slut Tammy Klein quit because she couldn’t pay dues,” said Scarborough. “And our message board is blowing up. Do you know we’ve had six new threads started since the beginning of September? Even taking out the two of them that turned out to be spam, and that’s still a record for us. Get on the bandwagon now Kansas City, before it’s filled up.”
The poll, commissioned by the Leavenworth Visitors’ Bureau, showed that nearly six percent of residents in the Kansas City metro and suburban area consider themselves “fans of the Wizards.” That number topples the previous high of four percent, which was recorded in 2000, shortly after the Wizards’ MLS Cup championship.
“I think this just shows that professional soccer is really coming around in Kansas City,” said Kip Scarborough, President of the Kansas City Wizards fan club. “If you had a group of 100 KC residents a few years ago, maybe three of them would claim to be Wizards fans. Now, that’s up to six. Six hundred people in the area consider themselves fans. I think we’re about to call check and mate to all those who doubted us.”
The poll wasn’t all good news. Just 17 people could name even a single player on the Wizards. Not 17 percent of people, but just 17 people out of 10,000 knew the name of at least one player on the team. That’s 0.17 percent.
Still, Scarborough said it was only a matter of time before soccer outpaced football and baseball as Kansas City’s premier sporting choice.
“You can see the enthusiasm in our fan club, which, for a few days, topped 50 people, before that slut Tammy Klein quit because she couldn’t pay dues,” said Scarborough. “And our message board is blowing up. Do you know we’ve had six new threads started since the beginning of September? Even taking out the two of them that turned out to be spam, and that’s still a record for us. Get on the bandwagon now Kansas City, before it’s filled up.”
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Guy who plays Turk on Scrubs applies for Offensive Coordinator job with Chiefs
LOS ANGELES – Donald Faison, a television actor most well known for his role as Christopher Turk on the ABC semi-hit comedy Scrubs has applied for the job as the Chiefs Offensive Coordinator, citing his experience playing for Denzel Washington, who played Herman Boone, the head coach on Remember the Titans.
Faison, who played the back-up running back, turned defensive back star with a bad attitude, Petey, did not play football in high school, but he said just hanging around the guy who played the guy on Remember the Titans should be good enough to earn himself a job with the Chiefs.
“Oh yeah, I learned tons of stuff,” said Faison, who is actually more of a basketball fan, but thought this was a good opportunity if (when) Scrubs gets canceled this year. “I didn’t actually talk to coach Boone directly, and, technically, I didn’t talk to Denzel either, that guy is kind of a dick. But I did spend some time with the technical consultants, who taught me how to back pedal as a defensive back, and how to look convincing as I fumbled the ball.”
Todd Haley, head coach and current offensive coordinator for the Kansas City Chiefs, said that even though Faison’s acting in Remember the Titans means he’s spent more time on the field as a player than Haley, it doesn’t qualify him to coach the Chiefs’ offense.
“Come on guys, what’s he going to teach us? How to fumble the ball effectively and quit on the team?” asked Haley. “Have you not been watching this season? We’re already pretty good at both of those things.”
Larry Johnson could not be reached for comment.
Faison, who played the back-up running back, turned defensive back star with a bad attitude, Petey, did not play football in high school, but he said just hanging around the guy who played the guy on Remember the Titans should be good enough to earn himself a job with the Chiefs.
“Oh yeah, I learned tons of stuff,” said Faison, who is actually more of a basketball fan, but thought this was a good opportunity if (when) Scrubs gets canceled this year. “I didn’t actually talk to coach Boone directly, and, technically, I didn’t talk to Denzel either, that guy is kind of a dick. But I did spend some time with the technical consultants, who taught me how to back pedal as a defensive back, and how to look convincing as I fumbled the ball.”
Todd Haley, head coach and current offensive coordinator for the Kansas City Chiefs, said that even though Faison’s acting in Remember the Titans means he’s spent more time on the field as a player than Haley, it doesn’t qualify him to coach the Chiefs’ offense.
“Come on guys, what’s he going to teach us? How to fumble the ball effectively and quit on the team?” asked Haley. “Have you not been watching this season? We’re already pretty good at both of those things.”
Larry Johnson could not be reached for comment.
Johnson apologies for Twitter outburst, slur, blames Gossip Girl
KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson apologized Tuesday for his use erratic postings on Twitter, one of which used a gay slur and some that appeared to attack Chiefs’ coach Todd Haley.
Johnson, a two-time Pro Bowl back, said in his apology that after the Chiefs’ loss to the San Diego Chargers on Sunday, he tried to unwind by watching his favorite show – Gossip Girl – and was upset about the newest wrinkle in Chuck and Blair’s relationship.
“I apologize to Mr. Hunt, the Chiefs organization and my fans,” Johnson said. “I never should have used the language I did. We were coming off a loss, it’s been a horrible season for me, and I had, literally, just watched Chuck kiss another dude. I mean, seriously, why can’t those two kids just be happy together. Why must it always be something?”
Late Sunday evening, Johnson posted a series of messages on his Twitter account, including: “My father played for the coach from 'rememeber the titans'. Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn."
Johnson also used a gay slur, describing someone’s Twitter photo as a “fag pic.” According to the Kansas City Star, when approached by reporters on Monday, Johnson declared that he would not be speaking to the media, and then stated they should “get your faggot ass out of here.”
During his statement Tuesday, Johnson said he was in a bad emotional state and released his frustrations inappropriately and at the wrong people. He had been unable to watch the show when it originally aired because of a busy practice schedule and, after watching it Sunday evening, was overcome with emotion that lasted through Monday.
“They (Gossip Girl couple) had been playing with fire, and it finally caught up with them. I thought Blair was just clowning, but she actually let him kiss a guy. She just watched it happen without stopping it, that’s messed up,” said Johnson. “Then I find out it wasn’t the first time Chuck had kissed a dude. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I mean you watch a show religiously for three years, and then you find out something like this. I just snapped. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t use gay slurs. I mean, Chuck might be gay and he’s my favorite tv character of all time. Or is he bi? I’m a little confused right now.”
Johnson went on to say he’d accept the Chiefs’ request to stay away from team activities as they look into the incident.
“I’m cool with it. It will give me time to find a new show,” said Johnson. “After this whole episode ordeal, I’m thinking I may need a new favorite show anyway. I just rented Season 1 of Glee, so maybe this free time can be put to good use.”
Johnson, a two-time Pro Bowl back, said in his apology that after the Chiefs’ loss to the San Diego Chargers on Sunday, he tried to unwind by watching his favorite show – Gossip Girl – and was upset about the newest wrinkle in Chuck and Blair’s relationship.
“I apologize to Mr. Hunt, the Chiefs organization and my fans,” Johnson said. “I never should have used the language I did. We were coming off a loss, it’s been a horrible season for me, and I had, literally, just watched Chuck kiss another dude. I mean, seriously, why can’t those two kids just be happy together. Why must it always be something?”
Late Sunday evening, Johnson posted a series of messages on his Twitter account, including: “My father played for the coach from 'rememeber the titans'. Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn."
Johnson also used a gay slur, describing someone’s Twitter photo as a “fag pic.” According to the Kansas City Star, when approached by reporters on Monday, Johnson declared that he would not be speaking to the media, and then stated they should “get your faggot ass out of here.”
During his statement Tuesday, Johnson said he was in a bad emotional state and released his frustrations inappropriately and at the wrong people. He had been unable to watch the show when it originally aired because of a busy practice schedule and, after watching it Sunday evening, was overcome with emotion that lasted through Monday.
“They (Gossip Girl couple) had been playing with fire, and it finally caught up with them. I thought Blair was just clowning, but she actually let him kiss a guy. She just watched it happen without stopping it, that’s messed up,” said Johnson. “Then I find out it wasn’t the first time Chuck had kissed a dude. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I mean you watch a show religiously for three years, and then you find out something like this. I just snapped. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t use gay slurs. I mean, Chuck might be gay and he’s my favorite tv character of all time. Or is he bi? I’m a little confused right now.”
Johnson went on to say he’d accept the Chiefs’ request to stay away from team activities as they look into the incident.
“I’m cool with it. It will give me time to find a new show,” said Johnson. “After this whole episode ordeal, I’m thinking I may need a new favorite show anyway. I just rented Season 1 of Glee, so maybe this free time can be put to good use.”
K-State fan one win away from being totally insufferable
DESOTO – Friends of Jeremy Landers, a diehard fan of Kansas State University, say the 24-year-old pizza delivery driver is bordering on becoming totally unbearable.
Landers, who grew up a diehard Kansas State fan, has recently become more vocal about the Wildcats and their spot in the Big 12 and the national college football scene. With Kansas State on a two-game winning streak, and in first place in the Big 12 north, K-State football is all Landers can talk about.
“Two weeks ago, he was just a normal guy, but now, Christ, he won’t shut the fuck up about Kansas State and Bill Snyder,” said John Handley, a friend of Landers. “I think he’s spent the last three days figuring out the schedule of every Big 12 North team and predicting each game, describing exactly how K-State is going to win the division. It’d be fine if it was just once, but I swear he does this every 15 minutes. It’s like he’s on fucking repeat.”
In week six of the college football season, the Wildcats were blown out by Texas Tech, 66-14, dropping K-State to 3-3, with two of those wins against Division-IAA teams. Since that time, however, the ‘Cats have won back to back games against Colorado and Texas A&M, putting them at 5-3 overall, and in first place in the North.
“Two weeks ago, that guy stood no less than two feet from me and declared K-State was a basketball school, and then spent 20 minutes talking about KU and K-State’s basketball record before 1988, and that 20 years does not make a historic program,” said Handley. “Now, just 14 days later, all he can talk about is K-State’s football record since 1990 and how they’re nationally known as one of the top programs in college football.”
If the Wildcats can win their next game, against Oklahoma, friends say they may have to stop hanging out with Landers again. Ironically, it was K-State’s last win over Oklahoma that prompted them to “take a break” from hanging out with their friend.
“I was at K-State with Jeremy at the time, and even I got sick of hearing about it,” said Clive Rogers, an accountant, who said their group of friends decided not to hang out with Landers during the 2003 Christmas break. “We didn’t actually freeze him out, we just hung out a few times and didn’t call him. We just needed a few “football free” weeks. You have to understand, that was the culmination of almost seven years of non-stop K-State bragging. It was awful. Still, he’s only half as irritating as most KU fans I know.”
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Pinkel gets stuck in paper bag, fails to coach his way out
COLUMBIA – University of Missouri head coach Gary Pinkel’s worst fears were realized on Tuesday when he accidentally placed a brown paper bag over his head and had no idea how to coach it off.
Pinkel, 57, had placed the empty paper bag on top of the refrigerator to clear space. When he absent-mindedly went to retrieve it, the bag fell, landing on his head. He immediately called for help from his assistant coaches, but with no one around, Pinkel was forced to find his own way out of the bag.
“I tried every coaching trick I could think of to get out of that bag but nothing worked,” said Pinkel. “That took about 45 seconds. After that, I just stopped doing anything and hoped my players would show up to help me.”
After four hours, Missouri football players Blaine Gabbert and Danario Alexander arrived at Pinkel’s house and bailed him out by removing the bag from his head.
“Coach is an awesome guy, and he really knows how to find great talent, but everyone has their struggles, and I guess those paper bags can be tricky,” said Gabbert. “I just feel fortunate we showed up to keep him from being stuck there all night.”
Pinkel, who has led the Tigers to a 63-43 record in eight plus years at Missouri, could have been out of the bag in just 20 minutes, when former quarterback Brad Smith made a surprise visit at the coach’s house. Pinkel, however, spent that time screaming at Smith about his need to become a drop-back quarterback, despite the fact that Smith is currently in more of a flex role with the New York Jets.
“In retrospect, I probably should have just let Brad do what was most natural for him, which was to remove the paper bag from my head,” said Pinkel. “But in the moment, I felt like I needed to team him that lesson.”
Pinkel, 57, had placed the empty paper bag on top of the refrigerator to clear space. When he absent-mindedly went to retrieve it, the bag fell, landing on his head. He immediately called for help from his assistant coaches, but with no one around, Pinkel was forced to find his own way out of the bag.
“I tried every coaching trick I could think of to get out of that bag but nothing worked,” said Pinkel. “That took about 45 seconds. After that, I just stopped doing anything and hoped my players would show up to help me.”
After four hours, Missouri football players Blaine Gabbert and Danario Alexander arrived at Pinkel’s house and bailed him out by removing the bag from his head.
“Coach is an awesome guy, and he really knows how to find great talent, but everyone has their struggles, and I guess those paper bags can be tricky,” said Gabbert. “I just feel fortunate we showed up to keep him from being stuck there all night.”
Pinkel, who has led the Tigers to a 63-43 record in eight plus years at Missouri, could have been out of the bag in just 20 minutes, when former quarterback Brad Smith made a surprise visit at the coach’s house. Pinkel, however, spent that time screaming at Smith about his need to become a drop-back quarterback, despite the fact that Smith is currently in more of a flex role with the New York Jets.
“In retrospect, I probably should have just let Brad do what was most natural for him, which was to remove the paper bag from my head,” said Pinkel. “But in the moment, I felt like I needed to team him that lesson.”
Dayton Moore really wishes you weren’t so f-ing stupid
KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Royals General Manager Dayton Moore really wishes you weren’t so f-ing stupid, according to a statement released by the Royals today.
Moore, who served as the Royals’ GM since 2004, points his finger at the fans of the Kansas City Royals as part of the problem, calling the faithful “True Blue” supporters, “a bunch of goddamn retards who wouldn’t know a true baseball player if he walked up and spit tobacco juice all over their feet.”
The statement appears to be a response to criticism directed at Moore and Kansas City manager Trey Hillman as the Royals completely fell apart after May, and stumbled to 97 losses.
“How many times to I have to explain this goddamn process to idiots,” Moore said in his statement. “It’s a process, and it’s a process that we’re proud of. Did you not see the first month, when we were in first place? That’s part of the process too. Why can’t you numb nuts focus on that?”
Some of the criticism began before the season even started, when Moore was questioned on his acquisitions of players like Kyle Farnsworth, Mike Jacobs and Willie Bloomquist, and was heightened when he later traded for Yuniesky Betancourt.
Jacobs, Bloomquist and Betancourt are all notorious for an inability to get on base, and none are even average defensively. And as a reliever, Farnsworth has struggled in nearly every pressure opportunity throughout his baseball career.
Farnsworth turned out to be a disaster and all of three of the above position players were at the bottom of the league in on-base plus slugging percentage. In fact, just six Royals finished the season with an OPS above .750 – seven if you count pitcher Bruce Chen and his two plate appearances – and three of those players were catchers. Still, Moore says it’s the fans who need to adjust their way of thinking.
“No one outside of this organization can fully understand what we’re trying to do, because you all, yes, even you reading this article, are too dumb to comprehend how difficult it is to run a team,” said Moore. “It’s not about reading numbers, or listening to successful trends, or being on base a lot, or relying on stats that tell you the middle of your infield might be the worst in modern history. No. It’s about finding guys who are grinders. And it’s about finding guys who aren’t afraid to swing at a pitch in the dirt just because they probably won’t hit it. Or guys who hike their socks up to their mid-calf, thus giving the impression they’re good defenders. But no one in Kansas City would understand that. Because you’re all a bunch of fucking morons.”
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Mangino actively campaigning Reesing for Heisman, spot in upcoming hobbit movie
LAWRENCE – University of Kansas football coach Mark Mangino spent 20 minutes Wednesday extolling the play of his quarterback, Todd Reesing, in hopes that it will help Reesing in his quest for the Heisman Trophy. Mangino then spent 15 minutes with a direct plea to Peter Jackson to cast the pint-sized Jayhawk in the upcoming movie, The Hobbit.
The extended discussion was out of character for Mangino, who rarely campaigns for individual awards for his players. But on Wednesday, the Kansas coach said Reesing is a special player and a tiny person, and he deserves acclaim for both.
“You name me one quarterback who makes as many plays at Todd Reesing, just one. You can’t do it. The kid is a playmaker,” said Mangino during his teleconference with Big 12 reporters. “Also, look at his size. He’d make the perfect hobbit. And his feet - those little, hairy, disgusting feet - you name me one other person in America who have perfect hobbit feet. You can’t do it. The kid is a hobbit. He’s a playmaking hobbit.”
Reesing has been the driving force behind KU’s recent success in his three years as quarterback of the Jayhawks. He’s two bowl games, including the 2008 BCS Orange Bowl, and has set a multitude of quarterback records at Kansas. So far this season, he’s completed 69 percent of his passes for 1,579 yards and 13 touchdowns with just three interceptions. He’s on pace for his third straight season of at least 3,400 yards passing and 30 touchdowns.
Plus, listed at 5-foot-11, with a good chance he’s actually smaller than that, Reesing also appears to be an excellent candidate for a leading role in The Hobbit, a prequel to the massively successful Lord of the Rings trilogy.
“I realize there are some other great candidates for the Hobbit movie, because Hollywood is full if tiny actors. Kiefer Sutherland, for example, would make a great old hobbit, because that guy is like 5-foot-2 with shoes on. But Todd is the perfect size, and I can’t think of a more worthy hobbit,” said Mangino. “And, you know, he even dances like a hobbit.”
When reached for comment about Reesing’s chances at earning a spot in the movie, Jackson, a huge college football fan, had not yet seen Reesing play. But after watching a few clips on YouTube, the Academy Award winning director wouldn’t rule out offering the Kansas senior a part.
“It wouldn’t be unprecedented. Sean Austin, who played Rudy, was a great Hobbit, and he’s bigger than this guy (Reesing),” said Jackson. “And if his feet are as disgusting and hobbit-like as you say, I guess it’d be nice to save some money on the prosthetics and makeup.
“But there’s no way he’s winning the Heisman. He’s maybe the third best quarterback in his own league, let alone the whole NCAA. I’d say he has a better chance of starring in The Hobbit than he does of getting an invite to New York.”
The extended discussion was out of character for Mangino, who rarely campaigns for individual awards for his players. But on Wednesday, the Kansas coach said Reesing is a special player and a tiny person, and he deserves acclaim for both.
“You name me one quarterback who makes as many plays at Todd Reesing, just one. You can’t do it. The kid is a playmaker,” said Mangino during his teleconference with Big 12 reporters. “Also, look at his size. He’d make the perfect hobbit. And his feet - those little, hairy, disgusting feet - you name me one other person in America who have perfect hobbit feet. You can’t do it. The kid is a hobbit. He’s a playmaking hobbit.”
Reesing has been the driving force behind KU’s recent success in his three years as quarterback of the Jayhawks. He’s two bowl games, including the 2008 BCS Orange Bowl, and has set a multitude of quarterback records at Kansas. So far this season, he’s completed 69 percent of his passes for 1,579 yards and 13 touchdowns with just three interceptions. He’s on pace for his third straight season of at least 3,400 yards passing and 30 touchdowns.
Plus, listed at 5-foot-11, with a good chance he’s actually smaller than that, Reesing also appears to be an excellent candidate for a leading role in The Hobbit, a prequel to the massively successful Lord of the Rings trilogy.
“I realize there are some other great candidates for the Hobbit movie, because Hollywood is full if tiny actors. Kiefer Sutherland, for example, would make a great old hobbit, because that guy is like 5-foot-2 with shoes on. But Todd is the perfect size, and I can’t think of a more worthy hobbit,” said Mangino. “And, you know, he even dances like a hobbit.”
When reached for comment about Reesing’s chances at earning a spot in the movie, Jackson, a huge college football fan, had not yet seen Reesing play. But after watching a few clips on YouTube, the Academy Award winning director wouldn’t rule out offering the Kansas senior a part.
“It wouldn’t be unprecedented. Sean Austin, who played Rudy, was a great Hobbit, and he’s bigger than this guy (Reesing),” said Jackson. “And if his feet are as disgusting and hobbit-like as you say, I guess it’d be nice to save some money on the prosthetics and makeup.
“But there’s no way he’s winning the Heisman. He’s maybe the third best quarterback in his own league, let alone the whole NCAA. I’d say he has a better chance of starring in The Hobbit than he does of getting an invite to New York.”
Frank Martin Halloween masks flying off shelves
OTTAWA – Halloween is fully of scary characters, but according to Larry Steinsfield’s customers, no one is scarier than Frank Martin, men’s basketball coach at Kansas State University.
Steinsfield, who manages two Targets in Kansas, including the Target in Ottawa, said his store cannot keep rubber masks of Martin’s face in the store, despite three reorders.
“It’s the first thing people ask for. Apparently, his face is terrifying,” said Steinsfield, 53, adding Martin’s mask moved places on the shelves early in the costume-buying season. “At first, we had him among the celebrities, like Presidents Obama and George W. Bush, Kate Gosselin, and Dwight Schrute. But people kept going to our horror section looking for the mask. So it’s now between Freddy Kruger and that guy from the Saw movies. And, by looking at the face, it makes more sense there.”
The idea of a Frank Martin mask came from Rick Georgio, who heads up marketing for Scare-Me, Inc., a Los Angeles-based company that manufactures rubber masks. Georgio, who grew up in Oklahoma, said he was watching Martin coach the Kansas State Wildcats against his alma matter, Oklahoma State, when inspiration struck. A call had gone against Kansas State and Martin’s eyes bulged from his head before he erupted in a screaming fit against one of his players.
“I had it on DVR, and I kept replaying it and watching over and over again. Every once in while I’d stop it just as he’s about to explode,” said Georgio. “There’s so much intensity in that face. You can almost see the veins pop out of his head. It really looked like he was about to murder someone. My wife made me stop doing it because it was really freaking her out. She ended up having a nightmare about it.”
Georgio’s bosses at Scare-Me were initially skeptical about manufacturing a rubber mask of the coach of a second-rate basketball team. But after a quick viewing of a Frank Martin explosion on the sidelines, they quickly agreed to give it a trial run. Within three days of the masks hitting the shelves, the company was getting requests for more product, prompting another printing of masks.
Because of Georgio’s inspiration, and Martin’s terrifying expressions, children and teenagers in the Kansas City area, and even beyond the Midwest, will don the mask to spook neighbors and friends. Even those who are clueless about the person who inspired the mask wear it with pride.
“He’s a coach?” asked Daryl Yarmin, 16, of Bentonville, Arkansas. “I thought he was a serial killer or some kind of high-ranking gangster. That face was so scary. I’d be afraid if I was a referee for that guy. He’d probably kill you if you made a bad call.”
For Steinsfield, the Frank Martin mask has been a blessing for sales, but as far as he’s concerned, it’s not the scariest mask on the shelves.
“The Frank Martin mask is scary. But he’s still no Kate Gosselin,” said Steinsfield. “That bitch makes my skin crawl.”
Steinsfield, who manages two Targets in Kansas, including the Target in Ottawa, said his store cannot keep rubber masks of Martin’s face in the store, despite three reorders.
“It’s the first thing people ask for. Apparently, his face is terrifying,” said Steinsfield, 53, adding Martin’s mask moved places on the shelves early in the costume-buying season. “At first, we had him among the celebrities, like Presidents Obama and George W. Bush, Kate Gosselin, and Dwight Schrute. But people kept going to our horror section looking for the mask. So it’s now between Freddy Kruger and that guy from the Saw movies. And, by looking at the face, it makes more sense there.”
The idea of a Frank Martin mask came from Rick Georgio, who heads up marketing for Scare-Me, Inc., a Los Angeles-based company that manufactures rubber masks. Georgio, who grew up in Oklahoma, said he was watching Martin coach the Kansas State Wildcats against his alma matter, Oklahoma State, when inspiration struck. A call had gone against Kansas State and Martin’s eyes bulged from his head before he erupted in a screaming fit against one of his players.
“I had it on DVR, and I kept replaying it and watching over and over again. Every once in while I’d stop it just as he’s about to explode,” said Georgio. “There’s so much intensity in that face. You can almost see the veins pop out of his head. It really looked like he was about to murder someone. My wife made me stop doing it because it was really freaking her out. She ended up having a nightmare about it.”
Georgio’s bosses at Scare-Me were initially skeptical about manufacturing a rubber mask of the coach of a second-rate basketball team. But after a quick viewing of a Frank Martin explosion on the sidelines, they quickly agreed to give it a trial run. Within three days of the masks hitting the shelves, the company was getting requests for more product, prompting another printing of masks.
Because of Georgio’s inspiration, and Martin’s terrifying expressions, children and teenagers in the Kansas City area, and even beyond the Midwest, will don the mask to spook neighbors and friends. Even those who are clueless about the person who inspired the mask wear it with pride.
“He’s a coach?” asked Daryl Yarmin, 16, of Bentonville, Arkansas. “I thought he was a serial killer or some kind of high-ranking gangster. That face was so scary. I’d be afraid if I was a referee for that guy. He’d probably kill you if you made a bad call.”
For Steinsfield, the Frank Martin mask has been a blessing for sales, but as far as he’s concerned, it’s not the scariest mask on the shelves.
“The Frank Martin mask is scary. But he’s still no Kate Gosselin,” said Steinsfield. “That bitch makes my skin crawl.”
Monday, October 12, 2009
Douglas County Jail ranked No. 1 in preseason Prison basketball rankings
Lawrence – The highly anticipated Preseason Prison Basketball Rankings, scheduled to hit the shelves this Thursday, will feature the Douglas County, Kan., jail as the No. 1 team in the nation, according to unnamed reports.
The No. 1 ranking would be a first for the Douglas County jail, and the first jail in Kansas to receive the top ranking since the Barton County jail in Great Bend, Kan., earlier this decade.
“We’re honored, I guess, to receive this distinction,” said prison guard and part-time coach Brian Spencer. “I mean, we just put out whoever happens to be here, and it just so happens that this fall we’ve been inundated with fantastic basketball players. We’ve just been lucky.”
The Douglas County jail, located in Lawrence, has seen a dramatic increase in the talent on the court in recent weeks. Nearly all of the talent has come by way of the University of Kansas, where basketball players continue to find themselves in trouble.
“The difficult part is that we’re not allowed to play any violent, felony offenders, so we’re always kind of limited,” said Spencer. “But lately, we’ve had guys in here for punching classmates, drinking and driving, shooting people with BB guns, or just rubbing their junk on unsuspecting women. Are they all technically allowed to play? Maybe not. But we’re only stretching the rules a little bit. I mean, this is Lawrence, Kansas. Stretching the rules is pretty much the norm here.”
The No. 1 ranking would be a first for the Douglas County jail, and the first jail in Kansas to receive the top ranking since the Barton County jail in Great Bend, Kan., earlier this decade.
“We’re honored, I guess, to receive this distinction,” said prison guard and part-time coach Brian Spencer. “I mean, we just put out whoever happens to be here, and it just so happens that this fall we’ve been inundated with fantastic basketball players. We’ve just been lucky.”
The Douglas County jail, located in Lawrence, has seen a dramatic increase in the talent on the court in recent weeks. Nearly all of the talent has come by way of the University of Kansas, where basketball players continue to find themselves in trouble.
“The difficult part is that we’re not allowed to play any violent, felony offenders, so we’re always kind of limited,” said Spencer. “But lately, we’ve had guys in here for punching classmates, drinking and driving, shooting people with BB guns, or just rubbing their junk on unsuspecting women. Are they all technically allowed to play? Maybe not. But we’re only stretching the rules a little bit. I mean, this is Lawrence, Kansas. Stretching the rules is pretty much the norm here.”
Even Mother Nature Biased Against the Missouri Tigers
COLUMBIA – Following the Missouri Tigers’ 27-12 loss to the Nebraska Cornhuskers, Phillip LaMont, president of the Anti-Missouri Biases Fan Club issued a statement concerning the role of “Mother Nature”.
LaMont, a DeSoto, Mo., resident, and senior at the University of Missouri, claims that Mother Nature was out to get the Tigers on Thursday, and proved it by dumping a torrential rainstorm onto the Tiger fans and players.
“At Missouri, we already face enough challenges. We are the most disrespected, discounted, disparaged school in the NCAA,” writes LaMont, who is majoring in political science. “The actions of Mother Nature are unforgivable. Everyone knows we had that game in the bag if it had just stopped raining. We should be the No. 1 team in the North, but we all know the NCAA won’t let that happen. I’m sure they conspired with Mother Nature to deliver this win for the Nubbies.”
The Missouri Tigers held a 12-0 lead through three rain-drenched quarters, only to completely collapse in the fourth quarter. Mizzou quarterback, Blaine Gabbert, however, threw two costly interceptions during a Cornhuskers 20-0 spurt in the fourth quarter to give Nebraska the win.
To impartial observers it appeared Nebraska simply wore down the offensive and defensive lines of Missouri, and that Gabbert, a freshman quarterback, was making too many ill advised throws. But according to LaMont, on a clear night, Missouri would have easily taken the win.
“You give me crystal clear skies and a temperature in the 60’s, like we’d seen the previous four weeks, and that’s a cakewalk to victory for the Missouri Tigers,” said LaMont. “You just know the NCAA and Mother Nature are sticking it to us. You just know they don’t want to see the black and gold in the Big 12 championship game again, because this year, we’d win it for sure, and I guess that’s just not good for ratings.”
The claim against Mother Nature is just another in a long line of complaints from Missouri fans. The media in both Kansas City and St. Louis has drawn criticism for “not showing enough Tiger love”, and fans constantly rail against the NCAA for its role in cheating the Tigers on BCS bowl bids, or NCAA Tournament seeding. However, most of their criticism is saved for the referees.
“Missouri fans are pretty bad when it comes to the Big 12 and unnecessary complaining,” said Big 12 official Tom Vekosky. “They whine about every holding penalty or pass interference call. I’ve even heard them start whining when penalties are called on the other team, as if what I’m calling is an attempt to balance out all the injustice done to them.
“Still, they’re no where near as bad as K-State fans.”
LaMont, a DeSoto, Mo., resident, and senior at the University of Missouri, claims that Mother Nature was out to get the Tigers on Thursday, and proved it by dumping a torrential rainstorm onto the Tiger fans and players.
“At Missouri, we already face enough challenges. We are the most disrespected, discounted, disparaged school in the NCAA,” writes LaMont, who is majoring in political science. “The actions of Mother Nature are unforgivable. Everyone knows we had that game in the bag if it had just stopped raining. We should be the No. 1 team in the North, but we all know the NCAA won’t let that happen. I’m sure they conspired with Mother Nature to deliver this win for the Nubbies.”
The Missouri Tigers held a 12-0 lead through three rain-drenched quarters, only to completely collapse in the fourth quarter. Mizzou quarterback, Blaine Gabbert, however, threw two costly interceptions during a Cornhuskers 20-0 spurt in the fourth quarter to give Nebraska the win.
To impartial observers it appeared Nebraska simply wore down the offensive and defensive lines of Missouri, and that Gabbert, a freshman quarterback, was making too many ill advised throws. But according to LaMont, on a clear night, Missouri would have easily taken the win.
“You give me crystal clear skies and a temperature in the 60’s, like we’d seen the previous four weeks, and that’s a cakewalk to victory for the Missouri Tigers,” said LaMont. “You just know the NCAA and Mother Nature are sticking it to us. You just know they don’t want to see the black and gold in the Big 12 championship game again, because this year, we’d win it for sure, and I guess that’s just not good for ratings.”
The claim against Mother Nature is just another in a long line of complaints from Missouri fans. The media in both Kansas City and St. Louis has drawn criticism for “not showing enough Tiger love”, and fans constantly rail against the NCAA for its role in cheating the Tigers on BCS bowl bids, or NCAA Tournament seeding. However, most of their criticism is saved for the referees.
“Missouri fans are pretty bad when it comes to the Big 12 and unnecessary complaining,” said Big 12 official Tom Vekosky. “They whine about every holding penalty or pass interference call. I’ve even heard them start whining when penalties are called on the other team, as if what I’m calling is an attempt to balance out all the injustice done to them.
“Still, they’re no where near as bad as K-State fans.”
Snyder attempts to schedule Kansas City Chiefs
MANHATTAN – Kansas State University head football coach Bill Snyder today contacted Scott Pioli of the Kansas City Chiefs, with hopes of getting the NFL football team on the Wildcats schedule next year.
Kansas State has an open date for one more non-conference game and Snyder, infamous for his tendency to schedule an easy pre-conference slate, declared his intentions to play the Chiefs in September, at Bill Snyder Family Stadium. The Wildcats are also scheduled to play UCLA, North Texas and Missouri State, all at home.
“We’re always trying to prepare ourselves for a tough conference schedule and part of that preparation is building confidence,” said Snyder. “The Big 12 is one of the toughest conferences in America, and because some of the ‘talent’ is now on the Chiefs, playing Kansas City will give us an excellent idea of what we should expect in October and November. We expect, however, those later months to be a much, much tougher challenge.”
College football analysts lauded Snyder for his innovative scheduling strategy, which will allow the Wildcats to play just one team from the Football Championship Subdivision (formally NCAA Division I-AA). Per NCAA rules, teams may only count one win over an FCS team toward bowl eligibility. For example, because Kansas State has two wins over FCS teams in 2009, the Wildcats must win at least seven games to become eligible for a bowl.
“It’s actually low-risk, high reward for the Wildcats,” said Jerry Todd, college football analyst for The Sporting News. “The Chiefs are simply awful this year and are showing absolutely no signs of getting better for next season. Even a team like Kansas State, which, let’s be honest, is at the bottom of the pack in the Big 12, should easily handle the Chiefs. So the Wildcats get an easy win without burning up a game against the FCS. Bill Snyder is a cupcake-scheduling genius.”
New Chiefs player no longer telling women he plays for the Chiefs
KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Michael Richardson, a defensive back recently acquired defensive back, has quickly learned not to inform women he meets that he plays for the Kansas City Chiefs.
Richardson, a third-year player out of Notre Dame, came over from the New England Patriots, where he played in 10 games last season, recording four solo tackles. He was signed to the Chiefs’ squad Sept. 30, but in less than two weeks, he’s already learned the massive differences between the two teams, and two cities.
Richardson went out on the town Saturday night, hitting the Makers Mark bar in the Power and Light district in downtown Kansas City. Numerous women approached him, only to leave in a hurry when he mentioned his current occupation.
“In Boston, women would be all over you if they knew you played for the Patriots. You could be the ugliest dude in the bar, but if you played football, you had ladies fighting over you,” said Richardson. “I’ve been out four or five times already in Kansas City, and I’ve literally had women walk away from me on the spot when I mention I play for the Chiefs.”
Fellow teammate, and New England transplant Mike Vrable can relate with Richardson. While Vrable doesn’t spend much time out at the bars, his trouble came when moving into a new apartment this summer. Vrable needed a place to stay during the season because he didn’t want to move his family here, so he rented an apartment on the Kansas side.
“The first day there, my next door neighbors brought over a plate of fresh-baked cookies and introduced themselves. When I told them I played for the Chiefs, they were gone within two minutes and haven’t come back,” said Vrable. “It’s a shame too, because those cookies were really good. Sometimes I can smell them baking and it makes me sad.”
Although it's become more common among Chiefs' players recently, lying about a profession is nothing new to the Kansas City sports scene. Members of the Kansas City Royals have been lying about their day job for years.
"It's all about selling the story," said longtime Royals' player Mark Teahan, who spent the first few years in Kansas City telling women he was a pharmaceutical sales manager. "I probably spend two months each off season researching everything I can about pharmaceuticals, just in case I meet someone who knows what they're talking about. It's hard work, but it's a lot better than telling women I play baseball in Kansas City."
Derrick Johnson, a fourth-year Chief drafted from the University of Texas, has also dealt with the recent Kansas City football backlash. He makes sure to leave his profession at home when he’s out on the town.
“I tell girls I’m an investment banker, or a high-profile lawyer, anything but a Kansas City Chief, and it almost always works,” says Johnson. “Of course, if the chick is an uggo, or she’s giving off a crazy vibe, or I’m just ready to head home alone, I’ll mention the Chiefs. That’s usually the fastest way to clear the room.”
Richardson, a third-year player out of Notre Dame, came over from the New England Patriots, where he played in 10 games last season, recording four solo tackles. He was signed to the Chiefs’ squad Sept. 30, but in less than two weeks, he’s already learned the massive differences between the two teams, and two cities.
Richardson went out on the town Saturday night, hitting the Makers Mark bar in the Power and Light district in downtown Kansas City. Numerous women approached him, only to leave in a hurry when he mentioned his current occupation.
“In Boston, women would be all over you if they knew you played for the Patriots. You could be the ugliest dude in the bar, but if you played football, you had ladies fighting over you,” said Richardson. “I’ve been out four or five times already in Kansas City, and I’ve literally had women walk away from me on the spot when I mention I play for the Chiefs.”
Fellow teammate, and New England transplant Mike Vrable can relate with Richardson. While Vrable doesn’t spend much time out at the bars, his trouble came when moving into a new apartment this summer. Vrable needed a place to stay during the season because he didn’t want to move his family here, so he rented an apartment on the Kansas side.
“The first day there, my next door neighbors brought over a plate of fresh-baked cookies and introduced themselves. When I told them I played for the Chiefs, they were gone within two minutes and haven’t come back,” said Vrable. “It’s a shame too, because those cookies were really good. Sometimes I can smell them baking and it makes me sad.”
Although it's become more common among Chiefs' players recently, lying about a profession is nothing new to the Kansas City sports scene. Members of the Kansas City Royals have been lying about their day job for years.
"It's all about selling the story," said longtime Royals' player Mark Teahan, who spent the first few years in Kansas City telling women he was a pharmaceutical sales manager. "I probably spend two months each off season researching everything I can about pharmaceuticals, just in case I meet someone who knows what they're talking about. It's hard work, but it's a lot better than telling women I play baseball in Kansas City."
Derrick Johnson, a fourth-year Chief drafted from the University of Texas, has also dealt with the recent Kansas City football backlash. He makes sure to leave his profession at home when he’s out on the town.
“I tell girls I’m an investment banker, or a high-profile lawyer, anything but a Kansas City Chief, and it almost always works,” says Johnson. “Of course, if the chick is an uggo, or she’s giving off a crazy vibe, or I’m just ready to head home alone, I’ll mention the Chiefs. That’s usually the fastest way to clear the room.”
Monday, October 5, 2009
Farnsworth to spend the offseason punching people in the face
KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Royals relief pitcher Kyle Farnsworth today announced he’ll spend this offseason going around Kansas City and randomly punching strangers in the face.
Farnsworth, who signed a two-year, $9 million contract with the Royals before the 2009 season, wants to ensure the people of Kansas City get their money’s worth year round. Farnsworth figures if he can’t crush people’s spirits through his pitching from October to March, the least he can do is inflict pain in other ways.
“It’s all about giving back, you know,” said Farnsworth, who made sure he punched a photographer in the face during the interview. “The people of Kansas City, just like in New York and Chicago, nearly wet themselves in fear when they see me. Usually it happens when I’m walking in from the bullpen, but I’m really trying to make an impact throughout the city and I think this will help.”
Farnsworth finished the season 1-5 with a 4.58 ERA, but those numbers don’t tell the whole story. He’s been almost the exact opposite of “clutch” in relief appearances, posting an ERA of 9.53 with runners in scoring position and two outs. He’s been unable to throw to more than a batter or two without completely imploding, as he sports an ERA of 9.90 once he gets past 15 pitches.
He also nearly bookended the season with heartbreaking performances. He was called upon during the Royals’ second game of the season, as Kansas City clung to a 2-1 lead over the Chicago White Sox. Farnsworth promptly gave up three runs, sending the Royals to a 4-2 loss. In fact, of Kansas City’s first five losses, Farnsworth accounted for three of them. He also finished the season with a loss, surrendering two runs in the bottom of the ninth to the New York Yankees. With a full season under their belts, Royals’ fans were far from shocked at the late-season implosion.
“I hated the signing from the beginning,” said Chris Jenkins of Independence. “Anyone who had even remotely paid attention to his time with the Cubs or Yankees knew he was a headcase who couldn’t handle close games. After that first time, if Farnsworth entered and the game was close, you pretty much knew it was a loss. That guy suuuuuuuuucks.”
Royals manager Trey Hillman supports Farnsworth decision to spend the offseason punching random strangers, so long as he does it on a consistent basis.
“You know, Farnsy’s a gamer, and he’s got to do what he thinks is best to prepare himself for 2010,” Hillman mumbled. “As long as he’s consistent, and he goes out and gives a consistent effort, and consistently punches people, I think he’ll do fine and he’ll be back on track next season.”
Farnsworth said the punching program had started before the season had even finished.
“Oh yeah, I’m punching people all the time. Really. Anytime I get a dirty look, they’re getting punched. Even when people smile at me, I’ll punch them,” said Farnsworth. “I was out on a walk one night when one lady tried to avoid my punch. So I kicked her dog instead. When people see Kyle Farnsworth, I want them to think of two things: Fear and Pain.”
Farnsworth, who signed a two-year, $9 million contract with the Royals before the 2009 season, wants to ensure the people of Kansas City get their money’s worth year round. Farnsworth figures if he can’t crush people’s spirits through his pitching from October to March, the least he can do is inflict pain in other ways.
“It’s all about giving back, you know,” said Farnsworth, who made sure he punched a photographer in the face during the interview. “The people of Kansas City, just like in New York and Chicago, nearly wet themselves in fear when they see me. Usually it happens when I’m walking in from the bullpen, but I’m really trying to make an impact throughout the city and I think this will help.”
Farnsworth finished the season 1-5 with a 4.58 ERA, but those numbers don’t tell the whole story. He’s been almost the exact opposite of “clutch” in relief appearances, posting an ERA of 9.53 with runners in scoring position and two outs. He’s been unable to throw to more than a batter or two without completely imploding, as he sports an ERA of 9.90 once he gets past 15 pitches.
He also nearly bookended the season with heartbreaking performances. He was called upon during the Royals’ second game of the season, as Kansas City clung to a 2-1 lead over the Chicago White Sox. Farnsworth promptly gave up three runs, sending the Royals to a 4-2 loss. In fact, of Kansas City’s first five losses, Farnsworth accounted for three of them. He also finished the season with a loss, surrendering two runs in the bottom of the ninth to the New York Yankees. With a full season under their belts, Royals’ fans were far from shocked at the late-season implosion.
“I hated the signing from the beginning,” said Chris Jenkins of Independence. “Anyone who had even remotely paid attention to his time with the Cubs or Yankees knew he was a headcase who couldn’t handle close games. After that first time, if Farnsworth entered and the game was close, you pretty much knew it was a loss. That guy suuuuuuuuucks.”
Royals manager Trey Hillman supports Farnsworth decision to spend the offseason punching random strangers, so long as he does it on a consistent basis.
“You know, Farnsy’s a gamer, and he’s got to do what he thinks is best to prepare himself for 2010,” Hillman mumbled. “As long as he’s consistent, and he goes out and gives a consistent effort, and consistently punches people, I think he’ll do fine and he’ll be back on track next season.”
Farnsworth said the punching program had started before the season had even finished.
“Oh yeah, I’m punching people all the time. Really. Anytime I get a dirty look, they’re getting punched. Even when people smile at me, I’ll punch them,” said Farnsworth. “I was out on a walk one night when one lady tried to avoid my punch. So I kicked her dog instead. When people see Kyle Farnsworth, I want them to think of two things: Fear and Pain.”
Preppy douche bag asshole commonly mistaken as a KU fan
LENEXA - Clint Jefferies, a preppy douche bag asshole, was once again misidentified as a fan of the University of Kansas Jayhawks on Saturday, this time by fellow patrons at Tanner’s Bar and Grill off 87th Street in Lenexa.
Jefferies, who at the restaurant a date, was using the men’s urinal when another man, standing next to him, struck up a conversation about the Jayhawks football team.
“I’m standing there, trying to take a piss, and some random dude, who I don’t know and have never met before, looks over and says, ‘so how ’bout those Jayhawks, man. Think they got a shot at the North,’” said Jefferies, who was decked out in baggy cargo shorts, a half-open button down shirt from Banana Republic, hemp necklace and a beat-up ‘Cocks’ baseball cap with the rim bent in almost a half circle. “And I’m like, ‘First of all, dude, don’t talk to me when my hand is on my dick. Second, I’m not a goddamn Jayhawk fan.’ Jesus, I don’t know why people keep assuming that.”
It’s just the latest in a long line of misunderstandings about Jefferies’ college allegiances. According to friends, the misconceptions started happening during college at Northwest Missouri State University, where Jefferies attended from 2002 to 2007. By his sophomore year, Jefferies had earned the nickname ‘Jayhawk’, despite not owing a single article of clothing with the KU logo on it.
“I can’t remember who came up with (the nickname), but it just kind of started, and then it stuck. Everybody on campus called him ‘Jayhawk’. Honestly, I didn’t know his name was Clint,” said former classmate Randy Algo. “I guess I just figured he was a huge fan of KU. He definitely came off a kind of a douchey prick who thought he was better than everyone else.”
Jeffrey says he has no emotional connection to the University of Kansas, and that none of his family attended the school. When picking a college, he didn’t even apply to Kansas, although he also says he has no real reason to hate the Jayhawks. Yet, nearly every sporting event he’s attended, or every sports bar he’s been to, he’s asked or talked to about Kansas. For Christmas, his coworkers got him a Jayhawk clock and calendar.
“My parents went to Eastern Michigan University and we lived in Michigan before we moved to Kansas when I was 16, so there is no connection at all,” said Jeffrey, who, within five minutes of the interview, said he drives a 2003 Lexus, but he’s definitely thinking about upgrading to a BMW convertible. “I guess if I root for anyone in the area, it’s maybe Missouri, but I don’t have any real connection there either. To tell you the truth, I’m a pretty big Michigan State guy.”
Jenny Larson was on the date with Jefferies at Tanners when the bathroom incident occurred. She said she just assumed he was a KU fan until he returned from the bathroom, ranting about the misunderstanding.
“One of my girlfriends set me up with him, so I didn’t really know him. All he did was talk about himself, and how marijuana should be legalized, but I just assumed he was a KU fan. I’m glad I didn’t say anything,” said Carlson, who is not planning to go out with Jefferies again. “I’m really into preppy guys, and I’ve dated a lot of assholes, and he was definitely up there on both counts. That’s probably why I assumed he was a Kansas fan.”
Jefferies, who at the restaurant a date, was using the men’s urinal when another man, standing next to him, struck up a conversation about the Jayhawks football team.
“I’m standing there, trying to take a piss, and some random dude, who I don’t know and have never met before, looks over and says, ‘so how ’bout those Jayhawks, man. Think they got a shot at the North,’” said Jefferies, who was decked out in baggy cargo shorts, a half-open button down shirt from Banana Republic, hemp necklace and a beat-up ‘Cocks’ baseball cap with the rim bent in almost a half circle. “And I’m like, ‘First of all, dude, don’t talk to me when my hand is on my dick. Second, I’m not a goddamn Jayhawk fan.’ Jesus, I don’t know why people keep assuming that.”
It’s just the latest in a long line of misunderstandings about Jefferies’ college allegiances. According to friends, the misconceptions started happening during college at Northwest Missouri State University, where Jefferies attended from 2002 to 2007. By his sophomore year, Jefferies had earned the nickname ‘Jayhawk’, despite not owing a single article of clothing with the KU logo on it.
“I can’t remember who came up with (the nickname), but it just kind of started, and then it stuck. Everybody on campus called him ‘Jayhawk’. Honestly, I didn’t know his name was Clint,” said former classmate Randy Algo. “I guess I just figured he was a huge fan of KU. He definitely came off a kind of a douchey prick who thought he was better than everyone else.”
Jeffrey says he has no emotional connection to the University of Kansas, and that none of his family attended the school. When picking a college, he didn’t even apply to Kansas, although he also says he has no real reason to hate the Jayhawks. Yet, nearly every sporting event he’s attended, or every sports bar he’s been to, he’s asked or talked to about Kansas. For Christmas, his coworkers got him a Jayhawk clock and calendar.
“My parents went to Eastern Michigan University and we lived in Michigan before we moved to Kansas when I was 16, so there is no connection at all,” said Jeffrey, who, within five minutes of the interview, said he drives a 2003 Lexus, but he’s definitely thinking about upgrading to a BMW convertible. “I guess if I root for anyone in the area, it’s maybe Missouri, but I don’t have any real connection there either. To tell you the truth, I’m a pretty big Michigan State guy.”
Jenny Larson was on the date with Jefferies at Tanners when the bathroom incident occurred. She said she just assumed he was a KU fan until he returned from the bathroom, ranting about the misunderstanding.
“One of my girlfriends set me up with him, so I didn’t really know him. All he did was talk about himself, and how marijuana should be legalized, but I just assumed he was a KU fan. I’m glad I didn’t say anything,” said Carlson, who is not planning to go out with Jefferies again. “I’m really into preppy guys, and I’ve dated a lot of assholes, and he was definitely up there on both counts. That’s probably why I assumed he was a Kansas fan.”
Tyler Thigpen not quite as sad about losing starting job or Holly Starr after move to Miami
MIAMI – Tyler Thigpen, former Kansas City Chiefs’ starting quarterback and fomer boyfriend of Channel 38, the Spot’s Holly Starr, just finished ‘the best week of (his) life’ after being traded from the Chiefs to the Miami Dolphins on Tuesday of last week.
Thigpen started eight games during his time as the Chiefs starter, winning just one, although his gritty performances and hard-nosed play made him a favorite among causal Chiefs fans. His time as a starter also allowed him to know, and eventually date Starr, a model and Kansas City mini-celebrity because of her beauty and charming personality.
Thigpen, however, wouldn’t last long as the starter or Starr’s boyfriend. After the Kansas City’s 2-14 season, Chiefs’ president Carl Peterson and head coach Herm Edwards were let go, with Scott Pioli arriving from New England as the general manager and Todd Haley from Arizona as the head coach.
Pioli quickly brought in Matt Cassel from New England. With Thigpen all but assured he’d lost his starting job, he then learned he was likely to start the season as a third-stringer, if he made the team at all. Around the same time, Starr and Thigpen broke up, with Thigpen calling it mutual and everyone else who knows anything saying Starr was the dumper.
“It all happened so fast, I wasn’t sure what to be more upset about,” said Thigpen, who came from obscurity to win the Chiefs’ starting job last year. “That’s not true, I knew what to be more upset about. Holly Starr was by far the most beautiful woman I’d ever talked to. Living in Kansas City, she’s about as good as it gets. She was a 10 in Kansas City. The top of the mountain.”
Thigpen’s year got worse in September as he watched both Brodie Croyle and then Cassel put up weak efforts as the starting quarterback this season, and Starr went on to date some unknown singer.
Then, when things looked bleakest, Thigpen got the call that he had been traded to the Dolphins, where there’s a chance he could end up starting games again. And, after 10 minutes of standing in the Miami airport, he also realized he was ready to move on in his personal life.
“Don’t get me wrong, Holly is beautiful and talented, and in Kansas City, she’s the cream of the crop. But I’m pretty sure if she walked by me 10 times out here in Miami, all I’d do is look past to see the eight better looking girls behind her standing in the Sbarro’s Pizza line,” Thigpen said. “Also, it’ll be good to play for a team that isn’t going to lose at least 13 games for the second year in a row. God, I love Miami.”
Thigpen started eight games during his time as the Chiefs starter, winning just one, although his gritty performances and hard-nosed play made him a favorite among causal Chiefs fans. His time as a starter also allowed him to know, and eventually date Starr, a model and Kansas City mini-celebrity because of her beauty and charming personality.
Thigpen, however, wouldn’t last long as the starter or Starr’s boyfriend. After the Kansas City’s 2-14 season, Chiefs’ president Carl Peterson and head coach Herm Edwards were let go, with Scott Pioli arriving from New England as the general manager and Todd Haley from Arizona as the head coach.
Pioli quickly brought in Matt Cassel from New England. With Thigpen all but assured he’d lost his starting job, he then learned he was likely to start the season as a third-stringer, if he made the team at all. Around the same time, Starr and Thigpen broke up, with Thigpen calling it mutual and everyone else who knows anything saying Starr was the dumper.
“It all happened so fast, I wasn’t sure what to be more upset about,” said Thigpen, who came from obscurity to win the Chiefs’ starting job last year. “That’s not true, I knew what to be more upset about. Holly Starr was by far the most beautiful woman I’d ever talked to. Living in Kansas City, she’s about as good as it gets. She was a 10 in Kansas City. The top of the mountain.”
Thigpen’s year got worse in September as he watched both Brodie Croyle and then Cassel put up weak efforts as the starting quarterback this season, and Starr went on to date some unknown singer.
Then, when things looked bleakest, Thigpen got the call that he had been traded to the Dolphins, where there’s a chance he could end up starting games again. And, after 10 minutes of standing in the Miami airport, he also realized he was ready to move on in his personal life.
“Don’t get me wrong, Holly is beautiful and talented, and in Kansas City, she’s the cream of the crop. But I’m pretty sure if she walked by me 10 times out here in Miami, all I’d do is look past to see the eight better looking girls behind her standing in the Sbarro’s Pizza line,” Thigpen said. “Also, it’ll be good to play for a team that isn’t going to lose at least 13 games for the second year in a row. God, I love Miami.”
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Missouri fan really hates Kansas; doesn’t know that much about Missouri athletics
GRANDVIEW – Friends and family of Ronnie Holstead, known commonly by his screen name, MizzouFan6969_2001, today reported that Holstead actually knows very little about the University of Missouri athletic department and is far more interested in attacking the University of Kansas on message boards and news articles.
Holstead, a former gas station attendant, is currently unemployed, leaving him ample time to peruse various message boards and newspaper Web sites, where he continuously makes disparaging remarks and accusations about the University of Kansas. Those close to Holstead say it’s impossible to know exactly how many posts he averages in a day, but family members admit he spends most of his time sitting in front of the computer.
“I’d say he’s in front of that damn thing at least eight to 10 hours during the day,” said Beatrice Holstead, Ronnie’s mother. “He used to go out with his friends most nights, or go to the bar to watch the Tigers play, but now he just sits there, typing away and snickering to himself.”
After a recent spat of fights broke out among players on the Kansas football and basketball teams, Holstead says he spent almost 24 hours at the computer, scouring the Internet for any story or blog posting about the incident, making sure to post on each one.
“A lot of times I write one killer post, and I’ll just copy that on a bunch of different places,” said Holstead, who dropped out of Grandview High School in 2000. “But that fight was awesome. I probably posted about 60 different things, but most of it was about KU sucking pretty hard. Those guys are all huge douche bags.”
Friends, however, are concerned that Holstead’s time on the computer is taking away from the enjoyment of Missouri’s actual accomplishments. During last season’s NCAA basketball tournament, Holstead watched every single KU game, and went so far as to buy a round of shots for the bar he was at when the Jayhawks fell to Michigan State. But he failed to watch even a single half of the Missouri Tigers’ run to the Elite Eight.
“He used to be the biggest Tiger fan on the planet,” said friend Landus Dumpkin, who went to high school with Holstead, then went onto graduate from Missouri in 2005. “Three years ago, he could name nearly every Missouri football player on the team, even the third and fourth stringers. Now, I’m not sure if he even knows who the quarterback is.”
When questioned about the quarterback, Holstead stammered for a moment before changing the subject. In fact, Holstead struggled to name even one starter for the Tigers football team.
“Whatever man, it doesn’t matter who our quarterback is. We could put anybody in there and we’re still going to blast those ChickenHawks,” said Holstead. “You think that little shrimp Todd Reesing can stand up to us? Hell no. And we’re going to smack around that punk Kerry Meier and Briscoe. And don’t get me started on their offensive line. Tanner Hawkinson, Jeff Spikes, Brad Thorson, they don’t got nothing on us. None of them even knew what college football was before this season. We’re going to destroy them. Is Macklin still a Tiger? That guy is the shit.”
One friend close to Holstead says he believes the tide turned during the 2007 college football season, when Kansas and Missouri both vied for the national championship. Despite the fact that Missouri beat Kansas head to head, the Jayhawks went to, and won, a BCS Bowl game, while Missouri had to settle for the Cotton Bowl.
“That whole year he really became angry and bitter,” said Cole Trachenbacher, a friend of Holstead’s since grade school. “About halfway through the season, when we’d call him to go watch the Missouri game, he’d make up an excuse to not come. Then he’d spend the whole next week bitching about KU’s easy schedule, or how the refs gave them the game, and it was obvious he’d been watching the Jayhawks. I mean, I hate the KU too, but it’s like he preferred watching Kansas over Missouri. That’s messed up.”
Just a few months later, the Jayhawks won the National Championship in men’s basketball, sending Holstead over the edge.
“For a few days, he didn’t even touch the computer,” Beatrice Holstead said. “I thought maybe he’d given up and was ready to go back to hanging out with his friends and smoking pot. But after three or four days, he was back on it, ranting about probation and cheaters.”
Holstead’s posting activity isn’t always well received; as he’s been banned from at least seven message boards, including the Jayhawk Slant, Phog.net, and even GoPowercat.com, a Kansas State fan board, after accusing the entire state of Kansas of “overt gayness”.
Two years ago, the Kansas City Star changed their posting format from anonymous to one requiring registration, in part because of the abusive and vile comments from Holstead and others like him.
“It’s not just that guy, although he’s one of the worst. There are fans from Kansas, Missouri, Kansas State and Nebraska who all wait for a story about a rival school to pop up, then attack the school, the players, the fans, anyone they can,” said Dave Jenkins, who monitors comments on the KansasCity.com Web site. “Half the time, I don’t even think they read beyond the first line of the story.”
Even administrators at the Missouri fan site, Tigerboard, have warned Holstead to stay on topic.
“We all hate Kansas, that’s a prerequisite for being a Tiger fan, but there has to be some limits on what is allowable,” said Tyler Brown, who helps run Tigerboard. “We had one thread titled “Your favorite place to eat off campus”, and that guy, MizzouFan6969_2001, ended up posting about Mangino’s resemblance to Jabba the Hut, and how great it was that Quantrill burned Lawrence to the ground. I actually haven’t seen him post anything of relevance in about a year.”
Despite his detractors, Holstead said he remains a huge Missouri fan, and he’s just showing that by bashing Kansas whenever he has a chance.
“Look, I’m all about the black and gold. I know Coach Pinkel is going to have us back in the Big 12 championship game this year, and I know coach – uh – who’s the basketball coach? That new guy. What’s his name? Whatever. I know he doesn’t wear a rug on his head like Bill Selfish.”
Holstead, a former gas station attendant, is currently unemployed, leaving him ample time to peruse various message boards and newspaper Web sites, where he continuously makes disparaging remarks and accusations about the University of Kansas. Those close to Holstead say it’s impossible to know exactly how many posts he averages in a day, but family members admit he spends most of his time sitting in front of the computer.
“I’d say he’s in front of that damn thing at least eight to 10 hours during the day,” said Beatrice Holstead, Ronnie’s mother. “He used to go out with his friends most nights, or go to the bar to watch the Tigers play, but now he just sits there, typing away and snickering to himself.”
After a recent spat of fights broke out among players on the Kansas football and basketball teams, Holstead says he spent almost 24 hours at the computer, scouring the Internet for any story or blog posting about the incident, making sure to post on each one.
“A lot of times I write one killer post, and I’ll just copy that on a bunch of different places,” said Holstead, who dropped out of Grandview High School in 2000. “But that fight was awesome. I probably posted about 60 different things, but most of it was about KU sucking pretty hard. Those guys are all huge douche bags.”
Friends, however, are concerned that Holstead’s time on the computer is taking away from the enjoyment of Missouri’s actual accomplishments. During last season’s NCAA basketball tournament, Holstead watched every single KU game, and went so far as to buy a round of shots for the bar he was at when the Jayhawks fell to Michigan State. But he failed to watch even a single half of the Missouri Tigers’ run to the Elite Eight.
“He used to be the biggest Tiger fan on the planet,” said friend Landus Dumpkin, who went to high school with Holstead, then went onto graduate from Missouri in 2005. “Three years ago, he could name nearly every Missouri football player on the team, even the third and fourth stringers. Now, I’m not sure if he even knows who the quarterback is.”
When questioned about the quarterback, Holstead stammered for a moment before changing the subject. In fact, Holstead struggled to name even one starter for the Tigers football team.
“Whatever man, it doesn’t matter who our quarterback is. We could put anybody in there and we’re still going to blast those ChickenHawks,” said Holstead. “You think that little shrimp Todd Reesing can stand up to us? Hell no. And we’re going to smack around that punk Kerry Meier and Briscoe. And don’t get me started on their offensive line. Tanner Hawkinson, Jeff Spikes, Brad Thorson, they don’t got nothing on us. None of them even knew what college football was before this season. We’re going to destroy them. Is Macklin still a Tiger? That guy is the shit.”
One friend close to Holstead says he believes the tide turned during the 2007 college football season, when Kansas and Missouri both vied for the national championship. Despite the fact that Missouri beat Kansas head to head, the Jayhawks went to, and won, a BCS Bowl game, while Missouri had to settle for the Cotton Bowl.
“That whole year he really became angry and bitter,” said Cole Trachenbacher, a friend of Holstead’s since grade school. “About halfway through the season, when we’d call him to go watch the Missouri game, he’d make up an excuse to not come. Then he’d spend the whole next week bitching about KU’s easy schedule, or how the refs gave them the game, and it was obvious he’d been watching the Jayhawks. I mean, I hate the KU too, but it’s like he preferred watching Kansas over Missouri. That’s messed up.”
Just a few months later, the Jayhawks won the National Championship in men’s basketball, sending Holstead over the edge.
“For a few days, he didn’t even touch the computer,” Beatrice Holstead said. “I thought maybe he’d given up and was ready to go back to hanging out with his friends and smoking pot. But after three or four days, he was back on it, ranting about probation and cheaters.”
Holstead’s posting activity isn’t always well received; as he’s been banned from at least seven message boards, including the Jayhawk Slant, Phog.net, and even GoPowercat.com, a Kansas State fan board, after accusing the entire state of Kansas of “overt gayness”.
Two years ago, the Kansas City Star changed their posting format from anonymous to one requiring registration, in part because of the abusive and vile comments from Holstead and others like him.
“It’s not just that guy, although he’s one of the worst. There are fans from Kansas, Missouri, Kansas State and Nebraska who all wait for a story about a rival school to pop up, then attack the school, the players, the fans, anyone they can,” said Dave Jenkins, who monitors comments on the KansasCity.com Web site. “Half the time, I don’t even think they read beyond the first line of the story.”
Even administrators at the Missouri fan site, Tigerboard, have warned Holstead to stay on topic.
“We all hate Kansas, that’s a prerequisite for being a Tiger fan, but there has to be some limits on what is allowable,” said Tyler Brown, who helps run Tigerboard. “We had one thread titled “Your favorite place to eat off campus”, and that guy, MizzouFan6969_2001, ended up posting about Mangino’s resemblance to Jabba the Hut, and how great it was that Quantrill burned Lawrence to the ground. I actually haven’t seen him post anything of relevance in about a year.”
Despite his detractors, Holstead said he remains a huge Missouri fan, and he’s just showing that by bashing Kansas whenever he has a chance.
“Look, I’m all about the black and gold. I know Coach Pinkel is going to have us back in the Big 12 championship game this year, and I know coach – uh – who’s the basketball coach? That new guy. What’s his name? Whatever. I know he doesn’t wear a rug on his head like Bill Selfish.”
Blue Springs man pretty upset about choosing KC Brigade season tickets during divorce
BLUE SPRINGS – Roy Farkle, 48, remains in a constant state of agitation and depression, conditions that have lasted nearly a month since the announcement that the Arena Football League had disbanded.
Farkle, who filed for divorce from his wife, Cindy, in June 2007, made holding onto his Kansas City Brigade season tickets a priority. The AFL suspended all league activity before the start of the 2008 season, as the economy continued to worsen and teams reported massive losses in revenue. There was hope, however, that a deal could be reached that would allow the league to reopen in 2009. With no solid television revenue deal in place, the league officially shut down early this year.
With the AFL out of commission, Farkle’s season tickets are now worthless. Even more painful was the fact that Farkle allowed his wife to keep the University of Missouri football and basketball season tickets in exchange for the rights to the Brigade seats. The next season, Missouri went 12-1 and won the Big 12 North, and the Cotton Bowl. The basketball team has also found success, earning a trip to the NCAA Tournament quarterfinals in 2009.
“You know what I didn’t need? This. This is what I didn’t need,” said Farkle, who had to move out of his house into a one-room apartment and sell his 2006 Infinity GS to help pay child support. He now drives a 2001 Ford Escort. “The Brigade were coming off a championship season. There was excitement in the town. It’s professional football. Missouri hadn’t done shit up to that point in football or basketball. Son of a bitch.”
Shortly after the announcement about the AFL, Farkle called his ex-wife, with hopes of reconciling. Those hopes were quickly shot down and Farkle was hit with a restraining order.
Cindy, who now goes by her maiden name, Shumann, rarely attends Missouri games, but with football seats 11 rows up from the 40 yard line, and courtside at the basketball games, she usually sells her tickets online, using the income to help finance the season tickets, as well as the plastic surgery to give her a much younger, more beautiful appearance.
“I told him he was being stubborn and stupid about those tickets. I even warned him there were rumblings the league might shut down. But, just like everything else in his life, he didn’t want to listen to reason,” Shumann said. “I guess it worked out ok though. I mean, since the divorce I’m in the best shape of my life. I’ve lost 40 pounds, dyed my hair blond, got a tummy-tuck, got a boob job and I’m dating a Vice President of Accounting for a major corporation who couldn’t be sweeter.”
When told about his wife’s appearance and comments, Farkle broke down crying.
“She’s a blond now? Aw, come on man, you’re killing me.”
Posnanski the blogger thinks Posnanski the columnist is “kind of a sissy”
KANSAS CITY, MO - Joe Posnanski, the blogger, today revealed he believes Joe Posnanski, the columnist, is “a decent writer, but actually kind of a sissy.” Posnanski made the revalation through one of his now patented *Postrerisk* during a 2,100 word posting about the new PX90 infomercial.
From the blog JoePosnanski.com: I enjoy a good work out like anyone else. Although my workouts are usually curls that involve a fork and a slab of brisket from Oklahoma Joe's. But apparently, using this machine can turn even the biggest sissy* into a body that He-Man would envy. Do kids still play with He-Man? Joe Mauer might be He-Man.
*I never realized it before, but I went back and read the last year of my blog, and the last year of my columns, and decided that as a columnist, I’m a decent writer, but actually kind of a sissy. I take these fantastic stances against managers and players in my blog, but I kind of tip-toe around things in my columns, as if I’m trying to stay friends with everyone I write about. I guess I’m hoping people like (Kansas City Royals manager) Trey Hillman don’t read my blog.
Posnanski, an award-winning columnist many times over, and regarded in many journalistic circles as one of the best sports writers in America, recently made the jump from the Kansas City Star to Senior Writer at Sports Illustrated, citing a lifelong dream to work at the publication.
His departure leaves a great hole at the Star, although it also encouraged many of his long-time readers to start following him online. Those who had never read the blog before saw a different side of Posnanski.
“I read him for 15 years in the newspaper, and he was always so happy and upbeat,” said Margret Schneiderman, 74, of Lansing, Kan. “But when I read his Internet site, he was much more critical of people. And he wrote a lot about an old baseball team. I didn’t like it.”
Still, many of Posnanski’s critics say the bite he lacked as a columnist shines through on his Web site. Just this week, he called out the Cleveland Browns for making one of the worst head coaching hires in the past 25 years when they hired Eric Mangini. He’s harshly chided Hillman and members of both the Chiefs and Royals front office, something he rarely, if ever, did in his role as a columnist.
“I got tired of reading about special kids, or special people, or rainbows or kittens, or why the Royals, who have one winning season in 15 years, were going to win the World Series,” said Jay Gerald, a graphic designer who stopped getting the Star two years ago. “He’s a great writer, and I guess he was providing balance for (the other Kansas City Star columnist Jason) Whitlock, but reading JoPo’s stuff was like eating a pound of cotton candy: Too much sweet, not enough sour or substance.”
But Posnanski - who will have less of a commentary role with Sports Illustrated - says he doesn’t anticipate changing the tone of his blog, even if it means offending some of the people he covers.
“My blog postings are my own personal thoughts. And if I personally think Dayton Moore is a stubborn, idiotic jackass who refuses to put any credence into the theory that on-base percentage helps win games, even though there are countless examples to prove it, then I’m going to write that,” said Posnanski, who immediately seemed nervous. “Wait, is this going into a paper. I also need to add that Dayton Moore probably forgot more about baseball this morning than I’ll ever know, and that he’s very good at his job.”
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