Hillman spending off season creating folksy nicknames

LIBERTY HILL, Texas – Kansas City Royals manager Trey Hillman has spent this off season working hard on thinking of ways to integrate new Royals into the roster and making them feel welcome by referring to them by a folksy nickname.

Hillman, known for his pornstar-esque mustache, his inability to stick with a roster, his team’s sub-par fundamentals, and his ability to stick a “y” on the end of everyone’s name, said he works nearly the entire off season to ensure everyone on the team has a nickname.

“Guys like Farnsey, Hosey, Jack, Gordy, Gilly and Davey, the nicknames really let them know they’re part of the team,” said Hillman, who said a bitter argument with Jose Guillen early in his tenure as Royals manager led him to come up with the nickname idea. “When I call Hosey “Hosey”, it lets him know that this is kind of a laid back, relaxed atmosphere, and not a place where he needs to threaten to kill me.”

Hillman’s perception of the success of his nicknames has led him to spend most of his off time thinking about what to call new guys, and if any of the current players need a new nickname.

“When we signed Jason Kendall, you’d think the first thing I would do is look at his stats, look at some film on him and see how we can best use him,” said Hillman. “What I actually did was spend an entire week decided whether to call him Jay-Jay, or Kendy. The stats thing will work itself out down the road.”