Saturday, December 19, 2009

Delusional Jayhawk fan mocks Missouri for “only making the Texas bowl”

BONNER SPRINGS – Delusional Kansas Jayhawk fan Pat Williams spent 15 minutes making fun of his neighbor, Sam Millsboro, the Missouri Tigers and the Tigers spot in the Texas Bowl.

The Missouri Tigers, who went 8-4 this season, will play Navy on December 31st in Dallas. While it’s played in an area where Missouri recruits, and televised on ESPN, the Texas Bowl is commonly reserved for the final Big 12 team selected, something Williams brought up repeatedly.

Despite returning nearly all of their offensive weapons, Kansas did not qualify for a bowl and fired its coach. Still, according to Williams, it’s a much better time to be a Jayhawk fan.

“The Texas Bowl is a joke, it’s barely even a bowl. I’d probably be a little embarrassed if my team accepted an invite to it,” said Williams, wearing a sweatshirt purchased at the Fort Worth Bowl in 2005.

Millsboro, who played football at Missouri, graduating in 1974, said he tries to avoid talking to Williams, but happened to be outside putting up Christmas lights when Williams walked by with his dog.

“He does this a lot. When we first moved in, it bothered me, but now, honestly, I just try to avoid him,” said Millsboro. “I don’t think he went to KU, and he really doesn’t know that much about sports, but I guess it’s better than him asking how my wife and kids are again. My wife and daughter were killed in a car accident two years ago. I’m not sure how he doesn’t remember. He was at the funeral. I remember, because he gave me a hard time about scheduling the service during a KU game.”

Dayton Moore kicked out of his fantasy baseball league

ATLANTA – Kansas City Royals General Manager Dayton Moore has been kicked out of the fantasy baseball league he’s participated in for the last seven years, according to sources close to the situation.

Moore, who began playing in the Yahoo! rotisserie keeper league, “Brave Brainpower” in 2002, has finished in last place three of the past four seasons, including last year’s debacle when he finished last in home runs, RBIs, runs scored, on-base percentage, walks and OPS.

It appears the decision was made during the winter meetings when Moore’s team, “the Processing Processors” finalized his keepers for the 2010 season, choosing to keep Willie Bloomquist, Willy Tavares, Edgar Renteria and Eric Bynes.

“Dayton isn’t being kicked out, we just decided to trim the league by one member,” said the league’s commissioner, who refused to be named, but goes by the username JShuerBrave. “It’s not that he wasn’t active. He was very active; probably more so than everyone else combined. We just want guys who are going to take this seriously, and not go out of their way to create the worst possible offensive lineup every day.”

Moore said there were no hard feelings and that he already had his hands full running three other fantasy teams.

“The thing they didn’t understand was that I was building something special, the process just hadn’t shown results yet,” said Moore. “But it’s cool, I was already spending a good 10 to 15 hours during the week managing four teams. This should free up some more time to concentrate on those teams.”

New Jersey sports writer just realized Kansas and Kansas State not the same team

MADISON, NJ – In addition to surprising college basketball fans across the country and becoming one of the early feel-good stories of the season, the Kansas State Wildcat basketball team is helping educate those not familiar with the Midwest.

Frank Legozamo, a sports writer for the New Jersey Standard, a small weekly newspaper, was recently hit with the revelation that there is more than one Division-I university in the state of Kansas. Legozamo said the fact hit him while reading the AP story on the top-25 this week.

“The first two paragraphs were all about Kansas State entering the top-25 for the first time this year, but I was almost positive Kansas was ranked No. 1 from the start,” said Legozamo. “I was in the middle of writing an e-mail to the AP writer when I looked up Kansas’ record. That’s when it hit me that there was a difference between Kansas and Kansas State. I just figured it was like Memphis.”

Legozamo said he doesn’t spend much time writing, watching or thinking about any of the “worthless fly over states”. He said he vaguely remembers seeing a Kansas State football game early in the decade, but figured the football team wore purple and the basketball team wore red and blue.

“Look, pretty much anything west of Philly may as well all be the same state,” said Legozamo. “Who would have thought a small state like Kansas would have enough people to fill two D-I universities. I guess it works if you put one in Kansas City and one in Wichita.”

K-State fans burn down announcers home, urinates on ashes

SHAWNEE – ESPN Announcer Dave Armstrong was horrified to find that his Shawnee house had been burned to the ground, and the ashes had been urinated upon by the arsonists.

Kansas State fans Richard Willis and Timothy Holt were arrested last Thursday night after evidence left at the house traced back to them. According to police reports, Willis and Holt were upset that Armstrong had mistakenly referred to a statue of Ernie Barrett as Fred Bramladge.

“I’m sure he knew who the statue was, but it was obvious that he just hates K-State and does everything in his power to make sure we look bad,” said Willis. “And if it was just a mistake, then he’s too stupid to be on tv anyway. Seriously, do some research on the team you’re covering. If all you know are the coaches, the players, the statistics, and college facts, then you’re a total fucking idiot who needs to be taught a lesson.”

Holt said burning down the house was the backup plan after their initial plan fell through.

“At first, we were just going to start an e-mail campaign to get him fired, but we thought that might be a little too harsh,” said Holt. “I know losing a house is tough, but he needed to learn a lesson that you don’t mess up facts about K-State. Or we will destroy you. Maybe next time Dave won’t show a complete and total bias against K-State.”

Armstrong, a professional of nearly 20 years who regularly calls games for the Big 12, the NFL among others said he thought the retribution was harsh, but it’s what’s to be expected when calling a K-State game.

“You come to expect that with Wildcat fans. But I should have known better than to make that mistake,” said Armstrong. “I do wish they hadn’t burnt down my house though. We had all our Christmas presents already wrapped. I mean, WOW, that’s going to be a lot of extra shopping.”