Thursday, November 5, 2009

Petition pointless, Larry Johnson unlikely to gain another 75 yards anyway

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – NFL experts and fantasy football team owners around the United States are chuckling at the petition floating around Kansas City, which asks the Chiefs’ staff to keep running back Larry Johnson from breaking the franchinse rushing record.

Johnson, who was suspended a week ago for using a gay slur and apparently questioning head coach Todd Haley’s credibility on Twitter, is just 73 yards away from tying Priest Holmes’ franchise rushing record of 5,933 yards.

Recently, three Chiefs fans started an online petition asking the front office and coaching staff to ensure Johnson does not get the opportunity to break the record. The petition has garnered nationwide publicity and has nearly 10,000 signatures.

Those who really follow football, however, say the petition is a useless gesture, mostly because there’s no way in hell Johnson will run for 74 more yards this season, even if he starts every remaining game.

Johnson is averaging 2.7 yards per carry this season and has zero touchdowns. If he keeps up the YPC average, he’d need around 30 carries to break Holmes’ mark and cement himself into Chiefs’ history. According to NFL insider Hal Nickenbockel, this whole process is a waste of time, because at this point Johnson can barely carry groceries three yards without falling down.

“You don’t need a petition to stop Larry Johnson, all it takes is about two and a half yards and footsteps,” said Nickenbockel. “Four years ago, Larry Johnson was running behind a Hall of Fame offensive line. Hell, Steve Bono could have started at running back and gained 1,000 yards behind that line. Those days are long gone. At this point, Johnson is falling down when he watches football on his big screen HDTV.”

Nearly everyone who has drafted Larry Johnson in fantasy football the past two seasons are also confused as to why a petition is necessary. Johnson, a former first-round lock, is now available in most every league, mostly because he sucks balls at football.

“I appreciate what the protesters are trying to accomplish, but to me, it doesn’t make much sense to go to all that work when it’s almost completely obvious there’s no way in hell “Lay-Down” Larry hits that mark this year,” said Troy Robinisky, a fantasy football player who has drafted Johnson the past four seasons. “He’s got, what, 9 games to gain 75 yards? Basically, he has to get slightly more than nine yards per game. Never gonna happen.”

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Scott Pioli still wearing Darth Vader costume

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Members of the Kansas City Chiefs organization are starting to question why Chiefs’ General Manager, Scott Pioli, continues to wear his Halloween costume.

Pioli, who dressed up as Darth Vader from Star Wars for Halloween, continues to show up to his office in full gear, doing his best to stay in character at all times. He initially wore the costume the Friday before Halloween, drawing chuckles from Chiefs’ employees who said his real life personality mirrored closely with the former Anikin Skywalker.

However, Chiefs’ employees are confused as to why Pioli has worn the costume to the office the past three days.

“Maybe he just wants to get his money’s worth,” said Jeff Traber, who works in the season ticket sales group at Arrowhead. “It doesn’t look like a cheap, plastic costume. It looks like Mr. Pioli spent a lot of money on that thing.”

Some staffers say it’s not just the costume that bothers them, but the way Pioli has been acting while wearing the Vader helmet. He continuously makes demands while waving his hand in the air, as if trying to perform the famed “Jedi Mind Trick.”

His actions aren’t limited to the staffers either. Pioli kept his costume on during a meeting with Chiefs veteran lineman Brian Waters, leading to an odd action when the discussion became heated.

“We were yelling at each other about my role as a leader, and he suddenly yelled, ‘You have failed me for the last time!’ and put his hand up, as if he was choking the air,” said Waters. “I’m not sure what he thought was going to happen, or if he thought I was going to fall over dead, but I’m pretty sure that helmet is cutting off the circulation to his brain.”

The first-year GM has also been responding to media questions with odd, cryptic responses, keeping in character with the evil Sith Lord.

“I find your lack of faith disturbing,” replied Pioli when asked about the Chiefs chances to finish out of the AFC West cellar.

“He’s saying that kind of shit all the time now. It’s not only kind of creepy, but most of it doesn’t make much sense,” said Ron Goreman, a media relations intern. “Mr. Hunt walked into a room the other day, and Pioli gets down on one knee and says, ‘What is thy bidding, my master?’ How ’bout win a goddamn game. Make that your bidding. Make winning your bidding. Not dressing up in a freaking costume.”

While Chiefs’ head of PR Bob Moore calls the costume, “a harmless motivational tool for employees,” most of the Chiefs staff would appreciate Pioli returning to his usual, assholish self, without the costume.

Seriously, why the hell does he still have that thing on?” asked Jenny Turner, a Marketing Assistant for the Chiefs. “I dressed up as a slutty teacher for Halloween, but there’s no way they’d allow me to continue wearing that costume into the office. Unless, you know, Len Dawson gets his way.”

Monday, November 2, 2009

Mangino accused of kicking Reesing’s puppy, defecating in his bedroom

LAWRENCE – Nearly three weeks after discussing his intention to actively promote his senior quarterback for the Heisman Award, University of Kansas coach Mark Mangino benched Todd Reesing during the Jayhawks’ loss to Texas Tech on Saturday in Lubbock.

To ensure Reesing got the message his coach was unsatisfied with his performance, Mangino visited Reesing’s apartment on Sunday and proceeded to allegedly kick the quarterback’s dog, Princess, and take a giant dump on the floor of the QB’s room.

“It came out of nowhere,” said Reesing’s roommate Jake Tranlett, who answered the coach’s knocking at around 8:15 a.m. Sunday. “I open the door and Coach Mangino storms through, kicking the dog on his way to Todd’s room. I mean, Todd woke up to the sight of a gigantic man doing his morning business right in the middle of his floor.”

Just three weeks prior, the Jayhawks were flying high at 6-0, and coming off a win against Iowa State when Mangino said he would actively campaign Reesing for the Heisman. However, KU has recently collapsed, with losses to Colorado, Oklahoma and the Red Raiders, to put Kansas at 1-3 in the Big 12, making every remaining game a seemingly “must-win” if the Jayhawks are to have any shot at the Big 12 North.

Mangino’s visit left Princess, a yorkie-poo, shaken up but unharmed. It was the mess in Reesing’s room that caused the biggest trouble.

“That was disgusting,” said Tranlett, who started gagging while discussing the incident. “It was just – oh my god, that was gross.”

Mangino said he simply wanted to send a message the his star quarterback, who has helped lead Kansas to three bowl wins and pushed KU into NCAA football relevance for perhaps the first time ever, needed to step up his play.

“Todd hasn’t played as well as he’s capable of, and I think he knows that. But I just wanted to make sure he got the message that I’m not pleased,” said Mangino, who said he’s done promoting Reesing for the Heisman, but continues to put in a good word elsewhere. “I still think he’ll make an excellent hobbit.”

Matt Cassel behind Larry Johnson’s “Twittergate”

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel was on the phone with running back Larry Johnson the evening that Johnson went on a Twitter tirade against Chiefs coach Todd Haley, prompting a two-week suspension and non-stop media scrutiny, sources reported Monday.

Confronted with phone records confirming that the two had spoke, Johnson broke down, confessing it was at Cassel’s urging that he spouted off about Haley after the two spoke following the Chiefs’ loss to San Diego. According to Johnson, Cassel spoke with Chiefs’ running back after the loss, hinting at the lack of credibility of the Chiefs’ coach, Todd Haley.

“He called me up, and just started venting about the game. At first, he didn’t come right out and tell me to say anything, he just started saying stuff as we got dressed, like, ‘That dude Haley’s kind of a pain in the ass, isn’t he? But I guess you learn a lot about football on a golf course,’” Johnson said. “Then, he was like, ‘Larry, you’re the leader of this offense. Guys respect you. I’m not saying we need to call a press conference, but damn, someone should call him out on this bs. Plus, isn’t your dad a coach?’ He just kept saying stuff like that over and over. I’m an emotional guy after a loss. He got to me.”

Johnson’s confession confirms what one high-ranking Chiefs official had speculated about, that Cassel, whom came to the Chiefs from the New England Patriots via trade during the off-season, encouraged, then demanded, that Johnson make outlandish statements, thus taking the focus off the Chiefs QB.

“For as awful of a year that (Cassel)’s had, it makes sense he’d want to keep the attention off of him,” said one Chiefs executive, who refused to be named for fear of losing his job. “We’re 1-6 right now, and have shown almost no hope of improving. At the beginning, people were blaming the offensive line, but the guy signed a $63 million contract this year. How long before he’s held accountable for his performance?”

Cassel has started six games for the Chiefs, compiling eight touchdowns with five interceptions and 994 yards. He leads an offense that is last in the NFL in total yards, last in the NFL in passing yards and third to last in scoring. Yet, thus far, much of the blame has been directed at the offensive line or a sub par group of receivers. However, in the Chiefs last game, against San Diego, Cassel completed 10 of 25 passes for 95 yards, three interceptions and a touchdown, and grumblings about his performance started to surface.

“The guy has been really, really bad,” the Chiefs’ executive said. “But I guess he studied public relations at USC, because all anyone can talk about is ‘Larry the nut job.’ Matt continues to get away with a quarterback rating of 73, and $60 million.”

Misleading poll: Excitement about Kansas City Wizards has never been higher

LEAVENWORTH – A recent poll of 10,000 local residents conducted by an independent researcher suggests the support for the Kansas City Wizards has never been higher.

The poll, commissioned by the Leavenworth Visitors’ Bureau, showed that nearly six percent of residents in the Kansas City metro and suburban area consider themselves “fans of the Wizards.” That number topples the previous high of four percent, which was recorded in 2000, shortly after the Wizards’ MLS Cup championship.

“I think this just shows that professional soccer is really coming around in Kansas City,” said Kip Scarborough, President of the Kansas City Wizards fan club. “If you had a group of 100 KC residents a few years ago, maybe three of them would claim to be Wizards fans. Now, that’s up to six. Six hundred people in the area consider themselves fans. I think we’re about to call check and mate to all those who doubted us.”

The poll wasn’t all good news. Just 17 people could name even a single player on the Wizards. Not 17 percent of people, but just 17 people out of 10,000 knew the name of at least one player on the team. That’s 0.17 percent.

Still, Scarborough said it was only a matter of time before soccer outpaced football and baseball as Kansas City’s premier sporting choice.

“You can see the enthusiasm in our fan club, which, for a few days, topped 50 people, before that slut Tammy Klein quit because she couldn’t pay dues,” said Scarborough. “And our message board is blowing up. Do you know we’ve had six new threads started since the beginning of September? Even taking out the two of them that turned out to be spam, and that’s still a record for us. Get on the bandwagon now Kansas City, before it’s filled up.”