Cotton shortage in the U.S. traced back to KU coach’s wardrobe

LAWRENCE – U.S. trade officials today announced they’ve discovered the culprit behind the United State’s depleted cotton resources and put an immediate halt to all production of velour track suits.

Craig Thompson, U.S. Deputity of Domestic Trade and Agriculture announced that University of Kansas football coach Mark Mangino is nearly single handedly wiping out all of the cotton produced in the United States. Mangino, famous for his obesity and his sleek wardrobe, is almost always seen wearing a blue and red, or blue and gray velour track suit while on the side lines at Kansas football games.

Because Mangino refuses to wear polyester or any synthetic material, cotton must be used to produce his outfits. He rarely re-wears the suit, opting instead to have it cut from his body after games.

“Clearly, this is an issue we need to address immediately,” said Thompson. “We are seriously almost out of cotton. I mean, it’s cotton. We produce an ungodly amount of it each day, and yet 96 percent of it is going to help clothe one man. Granted, those suits are stylish, but come on.”

Mangino remained defiant, assuring his team and his fans that his trademark suit would remain as much apart of Kansas football as his rosy cheeks, and his penchant for screaming at players until they breakdown sobbing.

“Velour track suits are Kansas football,” Mangino said. “We’ve built a tradition here at Kansas. You take those velour suits away; all you have are three bowl wins in four years. Literally, we’ve been playing football since 1890 and that’s all we have. You can’t take these suits away.”

Lew Perkins, University of Kansas’ Athletic Director, backed his coach’s decision to continue to order and wear velour.

“At Kansas, we are not indifferent to the needs of the world community and the shortage of cotton. But we are also aware that a strong athletic department must have a strong football team,” said Perkins, who demanded he be interviewed in a dark, mirrorless room. “If coach Mangino needs to wear velour to be successful, then that’s what’s going to happen. And I swear, if anyone tries to take that away from us, I will come at them with every fiber of my being. And I will not stop until one of us is dead.”