Monday, October 5, 2009

Farnsworth to spend the offseason punching people in the face

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Royals relief pitcher Kyle Farnsworth today announced he’ll spend this offseason going around Kansas City and randomly punching strangers in the face.

Farnsworth, who signed a two-year, $9 million contract with the Royals before the 2009 season, wants to ensure the people of Kansas City get their money’s worth year round. Farnsworth figures if he can’t crush people’s spirits through his pitching from October to March, the least he can do is inflict pain in other ways.

“It’s all about giving back, you know,” said Farnsworth, who made sure he punched a photographer in the face during the interview. “The people of Kansas City, just like in New York and Chicago, nearly wet themselves in fear when they see me. Usually it happens when I’m walking in from the bullpen, but I’m really trying to make an impact throughout the city and I think this will help.”

Farnsworth finished the season 1-5 with a 4.58 ERA, but those numbers don’t tell the whole story. He’s been almost the exact opposite of “clutch” in relief appearances, posting an ERA of 9.53 with runners in scoring position and two outs. He’s been unable to throw to more than a batter or two without completely imploding, as he sports an ERA of 9.90 once he gets past 15 pitches.

He also nearly bookended the season with heartbreaking performances. He was called upon during the Royals’ second game of the season, as Kansas City clung to a 2-1 lead over the Chicago White Sox. Farnsworth promptly gave up three runs, sending the Royals to a 4-2 loss. In fact, of Kansas City’s first five losses, Farnsworth accounted for three of them. He also finished the season with a loss, surrendering two runs in the bottom of the ninth to the New York Yankees. With a full season under their belts, Royals’ fans were far from shocked at the late-season implosion.

“I hated the signing from the beginning,” said Chris Jenkins of Independence. “Anyone who had even remotely paid attention to his time with the Cubs or Yankees knew he was a headcase who couldn’t handle close games. After that first time, if Farnsworth entered and the game was close, you pretty much knew it was a loss. That guy suuuuuuuuucks.”

Royals manager Trey Hillman supports Farnsworth decision to spend the offseason punching random strangers, so long as he does it on a consistent basis.

“You know, Farnsy’s a gamer, and he’s got to do what he thinks is best to prepare himself for 2010,” Hillman mumbled. “As long as he’s consistent, and he goes out and gives a consistent effort, and consistently punches people, I think he’ll do fine and he’ll be back on track next season.”

Farnsworth said the punching program had started before the season had even finished.

“Oh yeah, I’m punching people all the time. Really. Anytime I get a dirty look, they’re getting punched. Even when people smile at me, I’ll punch them,” said Farnsworth. “I was out on a walk one night when one lady tried to avoid my punch. So I kicked her dog instead. When people see Kyle Farnsworth, I want them to think of two things: Fear and Pain.”

Preppy douche bag asshole commonly mistaken as a KU fan

LENEXA - Clint Jefferies, a preppy douche bag asshole, was once again misidentified as a fan of the University of Kansas Jayhawks on Saturday, this time by fellow patrons at Tanner’s Bar and Grill off 87th Street in Lenexa.

Jefferies, who at the restaurant a date, was using the men’s urinal when another man, standing next to him, struck up a conversation about the Jayhawks football team.

“I’m standing there, trying to take a piss, and some random dude, who I don’t know and have never met before, looks over and says, ‘so how ’bout those Jayhawks, man. Think they got a shot at the North,’” said Jefferies, who was decked out in baggy cargo shorts, a half-open button down shirt from Banana Republic, hemp necklace and a beat-up ‘Cocks’ baseball cap with the rim bent in almost a half circle. “And I’m like, ‘First of all, dude, don’t talk to me when my hand is on my dick. Second, I’m not a goddamn Jayhawk fan.’ Jesus, I don’t know why people keep assuming that.”

It’s just the latest in a long line of misunderstandings about Jefferies’ college allegiances. According to friends, the misconceptions started happening during college at Northwest Missouri State University, where Jefferies attended from 2002 to 2007. By his sophomore year, Jefferies had earned the nickname ‘Jayhawk’, despite not owing a single article of clothing with the KU logo on it.

“I can’t remember who came up with (the nickname), but it just kind of started, and then it stuck. Everybody on campus called him ‘Jayhawk’. Honestly, I didn’t know his name was Clint,” said former classmate Randy Algo. “I guess I just figured he was a huge fan of KU. He definitely came off a kind of a douchey prick who thought he was better than everyone else.”

Jeffrey says he has no emotional connection to the University of Kansas, and that none of his family attended the school. When picking a college, he didn’t even apply to Kansas, although he also says he has no real reason to hate the Jayhawks. Yet, nearly every sporting event he’s attended, or every sports bar he’s been to, he’s asked or talked to about Kansas. For Christmas, his coworkers got him a Jayhawk clock and calendar.

“My parents went to Eastern Michigan University and we lived in Michigan before we moved to Kansas when I was 16, so there is no connection at all,” said Jeffrey, who, within five minutes of the interview, said he drives a 2003 Lexus, but he’s definitely thinking about upgrading to a BMW convertible. “I guess if I root for anyone in the area, it’s maybe Missouri, but I don’t have any real connection there either. To tell you the truth, I’m a pretty big Michigan State guy.”

Jenny Larson was on the date with Jefferies at Tanners when the bathroom incident occurred. She said she just assumed he was a KU fan until he returned from the bathroom, ranting about the misunderstanding.

“One of my girlfriends set me up with him, so I didn’t really know him. All he did was talk about himself, and how marijuana should be legalized, but I just assumed he was a KU fan. I’m glad I didn’t say anything,” said Carlson, who is not planning to go out with Jefferies again. “I’m really into preppy guys, and I’ve dated a lot of assholes, and he was definitely up there on both counts. That’s probably why I assumed he was a Kansas fan.”

Tyler Thigpen not quite as sad about losing starting job or Holly Starr after move to Miami

MIAMI – Tyler Thigpen, former Kansas City Chiefs’ starting quarterback and fomer boyfriend of Channel 38, the Spot’s Holly Starr, just finished ‘the best week of (his) life’ after being traded from the Chiefs to the Miami Dolphins on Tuesday of last week.

Thigpen started eight games during his time as the Chiefs starter, winning just one, although his gritty performances and hard-nosed play made him a favorite among causal Chiefs fans. His time as a starter also allowed him to know, and eventually date Starr, a model and Kansas City mini-celebrity because of her beauty and charming personality.

Thigpen, however, wouldn’t last long as the starter or Starr’s boyfriend. After the Kansas City’s 2-14 season, Chiefs’ president Carl Peterson and head coach Herm Edwards were let go, with Scott Pioli arriving from New England as the general manager and Todd Haley from Arizona as the head coach.

Pioli quickly brought in Matt Cassel from New England. With Thigpen all but assured he’d lost his starting job, he then learned he was likely to start the season as a third-stringer, if he made the team at all. Around the same time, Starr and Thigpen broke up, with Thigpen calling it mutual and everyone else who knows anything saying Starr was the dumper.

“It all happened so fast, I wasn’t sure what to be more upset about,” said Thigpen, who came from obscurity to win the Chiefs’ starting job last year. “That’s not true, I knew what to be more upset about. Holly Starr was by far the most beautiful woman I’d ever talked to. Living in Kansas City, she’s about as good as it gets. She was a 10 in Kansas City. The top of the mountain.”

Thigpen’s year got worse in September as he watched both Brodie Croyle and then Cassel put up weak efforts as the starting quarterback this season, and Starr went on to date some unknown singer.

Then, when things looked bleakest, Thigpen got the call that he had been traded to the Dolphins, where there’s a chance he could end up starting games again. And, after 10 minutes of standing in the Miami airport, he also realized he was ready to move on in his personal life.

“Don’t get me wrong, Holly is beautiful and talented, and in Kansas City, she’s the cream of the crop. But I’m pretty sure if she walked by me 10 times out here in Miami, all I’d do is look past to see the eight better looking girls behind her standing in the Sbarro’s Pizza line,” Thigpen said. “Also, it’ll be good to play for a team that isn’t going to lose at least 13 games for the second year in a row. God, I love Miami.”