Farnsworth to spend the offseason punching people in the face

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Royals relief pitcher Kyle Farnsworth today announced he’ll spend this offseason going around Kansas City and randomly punching strangers in the face.

Farnsworth, who signed a two-year, $9 million contract with the Royals before the 2009 season, wants to ensure the people of Kansas City get their money’s worth year round. Farnsworth figures if he can’t crush people’s spirits through his pitching from October to March, the least he can do is inflict pain in other ways.

“It’s all about giving back, you know,” said Farnsworth, who made sure he punched a photographer in the face during the interview. “The people of Kansas City, just like in New York and Chicago, nearly wet themselves in fear when they see me. Usually it happens when I’m walking in from the bullpen, but I’m really trying to make an impact throughout the city and I think this will help.”

Farnsworth finished the season 1-5 with a 4.58 ERA, but those numbers don’t tell the whole story. He’s been almost the exact opposite of “clutch” in relief appearances, posting an ERA of 9.53 with runners in scoring position and two outs. He’s been unable to throw to more than a batter or two without completely imploding, as he sports an ERA of 9.90 once he gets past 15 pitches.

He also nearly bookended the season with heartbreaking performances. He was called upon during the Royals’ second game of the season, as Kansas City clung to a 2-1 lead over the Chicago White Sox. Farnsworth promptly gave up three runs, sending the Royals to a 4-2 loss. In fact, of Kansas City’s first five losses, Farnsworth accounted for three of them. He also finished the season with a loss, surrendering two runs in the bottom of the ninth to the New York Yankees. With a full season under their belts, Royals’ fans were far from shocked at the late-season implosion.

“I hated the signing from the beginning,” said Chris Jenkins of Independence. “Anyone who had even remotely paid attention to his time with the Cubs or Yankees knew he was a headcase who couldn’t handle close games. After that first time, if Farnsworth entered and the game was close, you pretty much knew it was a loss. That guy suuuuuuuuucks.”

Royals manager Trey Hillman supports Farnsworth decision to spend the offseason punching random strangers, so long as he does it on a consistent basis.

“You know, Farnsy’s a gamer, and he’s got to do what he thinks is best to prepare himself for 2010,” Hillman mumbled. “As long as he’s consistent, and he goes out and gives a consistent effort, and consistently punches people, I think he’ll do fine and he’ll be back on track next season.”

Farnsworth said the punching program had started before the season had even finished.

“Oh yeah, I’m punching people all the time. Really. Anytime I get a dirty look, they’re getting punched. Even when people smile at me, I’ll punch them,” said Farnsworth. “I was out on a walk one night when one lady tried to avoid my punch. So I kicked her dog instead. When people see Kyle Farnsworth, I want them to think of two things: Fear and Pain.”