KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Royals relief pitcher Kyle Farnsworth today announced he’ll spend this offseason going around Kansas City and randomly punching strangers in the face.
Farnsworth, who signed a two-year, $9 million contract with the Royals before the 2009 season, wants to ensure the people of Kansas City get their money’s worth year round. Farnsworth figures if he can’t crush people’s spirits through his pitching from October to March, the least he can do is inflict pain in other ways.
“It’s all about giving back, you know,” said Farnsworth, who made sure he punched a photographer in the face during the interview. “The people of Kansas City, just like in New York and Chicago, nearly wet themselves in fear when they see me. Usually it happens when I’m walking in from the bullpen, but I’m really trying to make an impact throughout the city and I think this will help.”
Farnsworth finished the season 1-5 with a 4.58 ERA, but those numbers don’t tell the whole story. He’s been almost the exact opposite of “clutch” in relief appearances, posting an ERA of 9.53 with runners in scoring position and two outs. He’s been unable to throw to more than a batter or two without completely imploding, as he sports an ERA of 9.90 once he gets past 15 pitches.
He also nearly bookended the season with heartbreaking performances. He was called upon during the Royals’ second game of the season, as Kansas City clung to a 2-1 lead over the Chicago White Sox. Farnsworth promptly gave up three runs, sending the Royals to a 4-2 loss. In fact, of Kansas City’s first five losses, Farnsworth accounted for three of them. He also finished the season with a loss, surrendering two runs in the bottom of the ninth to the New York Yankees. With a full season under their belts, Royals’ fans were far from shocked at the late-season implosion.
“I hated the signing from the beginning,” said Chris Jenkins of Independence. “Anyone who had even remotely paid attention to his time with the Cubs or Yankees knew he was a headcase who couldn’t handle close games. After that first time, if Farnsworth entered and the game was close, you pretty much knew it was a loss. That guy suuuuuuuuucks.”
Royals manager Trey Hillman supports Farnsworth decision to spend the offseason punching random strangers, so long as he does it on a consistent basis.
“You know, Farnsy’s a gamer, and he’s got to do what he thinks is best to prepare himself for 2010,” Hillman mumbled. “As long as he’s consistent, and he goes out and gives a consistent effort, and consistently punches people, I think he’ll do fine and he’ll be back on track next season.”
Farnsworth said the punching program had started before the season had even finished.
“Oh yeah, I’m punching people all the time. Really. Anytime I get a dirty look, they’re getting punched. Even when people smile at me, I’ll punch them,” said Farnsworth. “I was out on a walk one night when one lady tried to avoid my punch. So I kicked her dog instead. When people see Kyle Farnsworth, I want them to think of two things: Fear and Pain.”
Monday, October 5, 2009
Preppy douche bag asshole commonly mistaken as a KU fan
LENEXA - Clint Jefferies, a preppy douche bag asshole, was once again misidentified as a fan of the University of Kansas Jayhawks on Saturday, this time by fellow patrons at Tanner’s Bar and Grill off 87th Street in Lenexa.
Jefferies, who at the restaurant a date, was using the men’s urinal when another man, standing next to him, struck up a conversation about the Jayhawks football team.
“I’m standing there, trying to take a piss, and some random dude, who I don’t know and have never met before, looks over and says, ‘so how ’bout those Jayhawks, man. Think they got a shot at the North,’” said Jefferies, who was decked out in baggy cargo shorts, a half-open button down shirt from Banana Republic, hemp necklace and a beat-up ‘Cocks’ baseball cap with the rim bent in almost a half circle. “And I’m like, ‘First of all, dude, don’t talk to me when my hand is on my dick. Second, I’m not a goddamn Jayhawk fan.’ Jesus, I don’t know why people keep assuming that.”
It’s just the latest in a long line of misunderstandings about Jefferies’ college allegiances. According to friends, the misconceptions started happening during college at Northwest Missouri State University, where Jefferies attended from 2002 to 2007. By his sophomore year, Jefferies had earned the nickname ‘Jayhawk’, despite not owing a single article of clothing with the KU logo on it.
“I can’t remember who came up with (the nickname), but it just kind of started, and then it stuck. Everybody on campus called him ‘Jayhawk’. Honestly, I didn’t know his name was Clint,” said former classmate Randy Algo. “I guess I just figured he was a huge fan of KU. He definitely came off a kind of a douchey prick who thought he was better than everyone else.”
Jeffrey says he has no emotional connection to the University of Kansas, and that none of his family attended the school. When picking a college, he didn’t even apply to Kansas, although he also says he has no real reason to hate the Jayhawks. Yet, nearly every sporting event he’s attended, or every sports bar he’s been to, he’s asked or talked to about Kansas. For Christmas, his coworkers got him a Jayhawk clock and calendar.
“My parents went to Eastern Michigan University and we lived in Michigan before we moved to Kansas when I was 16, so there is no connection at all,” said Jeffrey, who, within five minutes of the interview, said he drives a 2003 Lexus, but he’s definitely thinking about upgrading to a BMW convertible. “I guess if I root for anyone in the area, it’s maybe Missouri, but I don’t have any real connection there either. To tell you the truth, I’m a pretty big Michigan State guy.”
Jenny Larson was on the date with Jefferies at Tanners when the bathroom incident occurred. She said she just assumed he was a KU fan until he returned from the bathroom, ranting about the misunderstanding.
“One of my girlfriends set me up with him, so I didn’t really know him. All he did was talk about himself, and how marijuana should be legalized, but I just assumed he was a KU fan. I’m glad I didn’t say anything,” said Carlson, who is not planning to go out with Jefferies again. “I’m really into preppy guys, and I’ve dated a lot of assholes, and he was definitely up there on both counts. That’s probably why I assumed he was a Kansas fan.”
Jefferies, who at the restaurant a date, was using the men’s urinal when another man, standing next to him, struck up a conversation about the Jayhawks football team.
“I’m standing there, trying to take a piss, and some random dude, who I don’t know and have never met before, looks over and says, ‘so how ’bout those Jayhawks, man. Think they got a shot at the North,’” said Jefferies, who was decked out in baggy cargo shorts, a half-open button down shirt from Banana Republic, hemp necklace and a beat-up ‘Cocks’ baseball cap with the rim bent in almost a half circle. “And I’m like, ‘First of all, dude, don’t talk to me when my hand is on my dick. Second, I’m not a goddamn Jayhawk fan.’ Jesus, I don’t know why people keep assuming that.”
It’s just the latest in a long line of misunderstandings about Jefferies’ college allegiances. According to friends, the misconceptions started happening during college at Northwest Missouri State University, where Jefferies attended from 2002 to 2007. By his sophomore year, Jefferies had earned the nickname ‘Jayhawk’, despite not owing a single article of clothing with the KU logo on it.
“I can’t remember who came up with (the nickname), but it just kind of started, and then it stuck. Everybody on campus called him ‘Jayhawk’. Honestly, I didn’t know his name was Clint,” said former classmate Randy Algo. “I guess I just figured he was a huge fan of KU. He definitely came off a kind of a douchey prick who thought he was better than everyone else.”
Jeffrey says he has no emotional connection to the University of Kansas, and that none of his family attended the school. When picking a college, he didn’t even apply to Kansas, although he also says he has no real reason to hate the Jayhawks. Yet, nearly every sporting event he’s attended, or every sports bar he’s been to, he’s asked or talked to about Kansas. For Christmas, his coworkers got him a Jayhawk clock and calendar.
“My parents went to Eastern Michigan University and we lived in Michigan before we moved to Kansas when I was 16, so there is no connection at all,” said Jeffrey, who, within five minutes of the interview, said he drives a 2003 Lexus, but he’s definitely thinking about upgrading to a BMW convertible. “I guess if I root for anyone in the area, it’s maybe Missouri, but I don’t have any real connection there either. To tell you the truth, I’m a pretty big Michigan State guy.”
Jenny Larson was on the date with Jefferies at Tanners when the bathroom incident occurred. She said she just assumed he was a KU fan until he returned from the bathroom, ranting about the misunderstanding.
“One of my girlfriends set me up with him, so I didn’t really know him. All he did was talk about himself, and how marijuana should be legalized, but I just assumed he was a KU fan. I’m glad I didn’t say anything,” said Carlson, who is not planning to go out with Jefferies again. “I’m really into preppy guys, and I’ve dated a lot of assholes, and he was definitely up there on both counts. That’s probably why I assumed he was a Kansas fan.”
Tyler Thigpen not quite as sad about losing starting job or Holly Starr after move to Miami
MIAMI – Tyler Thigpen, former Kansas City Chiefs’ starting quarterback and fomer boyfriend of Channel 38, the Spot’s Holly Starr, just finished ‘the best week of (his) life’ after being traded from the Chiefs to the Miami Dolphins on Tuesday of last week.
Thigpen started eight games during his time as the Chiefs starter, winning just one, although his gritty performances and hard-nosed play made him a favorite among causal Chiefs fans. His time as a starter also allowed him to know, and eventually date Starr, a model and Kansas City mini-celebrity because of her beauty and charming personality.
Thigpen, however, wouldn’t last long as the starter or Starr’s boyfriend. After the Kansas City’s 2-14 season, Chiefs’ president Carl Peterson and head coach Herm Edwards were let go, with Scott Pioli arriving from New England as the general manager and Todd Haley from Arizona as the head coach.
Pioli quickly brought in Matt Cassel from New England. With Thigpen all but assured he’d lost his starting job, he then learned he was likely to start the season as a third-stringer, if he made the team at all. Around the same time, Starr and Thigpen broke up, with Thigpen calling it mutual and everyone else who knows anything saying Starr was the dumper.
“It all happened so fast, I wasn’t sure what to be more upset about,” said Thigpen, who came from obscurity to win the Chiefs’ starting job last year. “That’s not true, I knew what to be more upset about. Holly Starr was by far the most beautiful woman I’d ever talked to. Living in Kansas City, she’s about as good as it gets. She was a 10 in Kansas City. The top of the mountain.”
Thigpen’s year got worse in September as he watched both Brodie Croyle and then Cassel put up weak efforts as the starting quarterback this season, and Starr went on to date some unknown singer.
Then, when things looked bleakest, Thigpen got the call that he had been traded to the Dolphins, where there’s a chance he could end up starting games again. And, after 10 minutes of standing in the Miami airport, he also realized he was ready to move on in his personal life.
“Don’t get me wrong, Holly is beautiful and talented, and in Kansas City, she’s the cream of the crop. But I’m pretty sure if she walked by me 10 times out here in Miami, all I’d do is look past to see the eight better looking girls behind her standing in the Sbarro’s Pizza line,” Thigpen said. “Also, it’ll be good to play for a team that isn’t going to lose at least 13 games for the second year in a row. God, I love Miami.”
Thigpen started eight games during his time as the Chiefs starter, winning just one, although his gritty performances and hard-nosed play made him a favorite among causal Chiefs fans. His time as a starter also allowed him to know, and eventually date Starr, a model and Kansas City mini-celebrity because of her beauty and charming personality.
Thigpen, however, wouldn’t last long as the starter or Starr’s boyfriend. After the Kansas City’s 2-14 season, Chiefs’ president Carl Peterson and head coach Herm Edwards were let go, with Scott Pioli arriving from New England as the general manager and Todd Haley from Arizona as the head coach.
Pioli quickly brought in Matt Cassel from New England. With Thigpen all but assured he’d lost his starting job, he then learned he was likely to start the season as a third-stringer, if he made the team at all. Around the same time, Starr and Thigpen broke up, with Thigpen calling it mutual and everyone else who knows anything saying Starr was the dumper.
“It all happened so fast, I wasn’t sure what to be more upset about,” said Thigpen, who came from obscurity to win the Chiefs’ starting job last year. “That’s not true, I knew what to be more upset about. Holly Starr was by far the most beautiful woman I’d ever talked to. Living in Kansas City, she’s about as good as it gets. She was a 10 in Kansas City. The top of the mountain.”
Thigpen’s year got worse in September as he watched both Brodie Croyle and then Cassel put up weak efforts as the starting quarterback this season, and Starr went on to date some unknown singer.
Then, when things looked bleakest, Thigpen got the call that he had been traded to the Dolphins, where there’s a chance he could end up starting games again. And, after 10 minutes of standing in the Miami airport, he also realized he was ready to move on in his personal life.
“Don’t get me wrong, Holly is beautiful and talented, and in Kansas City, she’s the cream of the crop. But I’m pretty sure if she walked by me 10 times out here in Miami, all I’d do is look past to see the eight better looking girls behind her standing in the Sbarro’s Pizza line,” Thigpen said. “Also, it’ll be good to play for a team that isn’t going to lose at least 13 games for the second year in a row. God, I love Miami.”
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Missouri fan really hates Kansas; doesn’t know that much about Missouri athletics
GRANDVIEW – Friends and family of Ronnie Holstead, known commonly by his screen name, MizzouFan6969_2001, today reported that Holstead actually knows very little about the University of Missouri athletic department and is far more interested in attacking the University of Kansas on message boards and news articles.
Holstead, a former gas station attendant, is currently unemployed, leaving him ample time to peruse various message boards and newspaper Web sites, where he continuously makes disparaging remarks and accusations about the University of Kansas. Those close to Holstead say it’s impossible to know exactly how many posts he averages in a day, but family members admit he spends most of his time sitting in front of the computer.
“I’d say he’s in front of that damn thing at least eight to 10 hours during the day,” said Beatrice Holstead, Ronnie’s mother. “He used to go out with his friends most nights, or go to the bar to watch the Tigers play, but now he just sits there, typing away and snickering to himself.”
After a recent spat of fights broke out among players on the Kansas football and basketball teams, Holstead says he spent almost 24 hours at the computer, scouring the Internet for any story or blog posting about the incident, making sure to post on each one.
“A lot of times I write one killer post, and I’ll just copy that on a bunch of different places,” said Holstead, who dropped out of Grandview High School in 2000. “But that fight was awesome. I probably posted about 60 different things, but most of it was about KU sucking pretty hard. Those guys are all huge douche bags.”
Friends, however, are concerned that Holstead’s time on the computer is taking away from the enjoyment of Missouri’s actual accomplishments. During last season’s NCAA basketball tournament, Holstead watched every single KU game, and went so far as to buy a round of shots for the bar he was at when the Jayhawks fell to Michigan State. But he failed to watch even a single half of the Missouri Tigers’ run to the Elite Eight.
“He used to be the biggest Tiger fan on the planet,” said friend Landus Dumpkin, who went to high school with Holstead, then went onto graduate from Missouri in 2005. “Three years ago, he could name nearly every Missouri football player on the team, even the third and fourth stringers. Now, I’m not sure if he even knows who the quarterback is.”
When questioned about the quarterback, Holstead stammered for a moment before changing the subject. In fact, Holstead struggled to name even one starter for the Tigers football team.
“Whatever man, it doesn’t matter who our quarterback is. We could put anybody in there and we’re still going to blast those ChickenHawks,” said Holstead. “You think that little shrimp Todd Reesing can stand up to us? Hell no. And we’re going to smack around that punk Kerry Meier and Briscoe. And don’t get me started on their offensive line. Tanner Hawkinson, Jeff Spikes, Brad Thorson, they don’t got nothing on us. None of them even knew what college football was before this season. We’re going to destroy them. Is Macklin still a Tiger? That guy is the shit.”
One friend close to Holstead says he believes the tide turned during the 2007 college football season, when Kansas and Missouri both vied for the national championship. Despite the fact that Missouri beat Kansas head to head, the Jayhawks went to, and won, a BCS Bowl game, while Missouri had to settle for the Cotton Bowl.
“That whole year he really became angry and bitter,” said Cole Trachenbacher, a friend of Holstead’s since grade school. “About halfway through the season, when we’d call him to go watch the Missouri game, he’d make up an excuse to not come. Then he’d spend the whole next week bitching about KU’s easy schedule, or how the refs gave them the game, and it was obvious he’d been watching the Jayhawks. I mean, I hate the KU too, but it’s like he preferred watching Kansas over Missouri. That’s messed up.”
Just a few months later, the Jayhawks won the National Championship in men’s basketball, sending Holstead over the edge.
“For a few days, he didn’t even touch the computer,” Beatrice Holstead said. “I thought maybe he’d given up and was ready to go back to hanging out with his friends and smoking pot. But after three or four days, he was back on it, ranting about probation and cheaters.”
Holstead’s posting activity isn’t always well received; as he’s been banned from at least seven message boards, including the Jayhawk Slant, Phog.net, and even GoPowercat.com, a Kansas State fan board, after accusing the entire state of Kansas of “overt gayness”.
Two years ago, the Kansas City Star changed their posting format from anonymous to one requiring registration, in part because of the abusive and vile comments from Holstead and others like him.
“It’s not just that guy, although he’s one of the worst. There are fans from Kansas, Missouri, Kansas State and Nebraska who all wait for a story about a rival school to pop up, then attack the school, the players, the fans, anyone they can,” said Dave Jenkins, who monitors comments on the KansasCity.com Web site. “Half the time, I don’t even think they read beyond the first line of the story.”
Even administrators at the Missouri fan site, Tigerboard, have warned Holstead to stay on topic.
“We all hate Kansas, that’s a prerequisite for being a Tiger fan, but there has to be some limits on what is allowable,” said Tyler Brown, who helps run Tigerboard. “We had one thread titled “Your favorite place to eat off campus”, and that guy, MizzouFan6969_2001, ended up posting about Mangino’s resemblance to Jabba the Hut, and how great it was that Quantrill burned Lawrence to the ground. I actually haven’t seen him post anything of relevance in about a year.”
Despite his detractors, Holstead said he remains a huge Missouri fan, and he’s just showing that by bashing Kansas whenever he has a chance.
“Look, I’m all about the black and gold. I know Coach Pinkel is going to have us back in the Big 12 championship game this year, and I know coach – uh – who’s the basketball coach? That new guy. What’s his name? Whatever. I know he doesn’t wear a rug on his head like Bill Selfish.”
Holstead, a former gas station attendant, is currently unemployed, leaving him ample time to peruse various message boards and newspaper Web sites, where he continuously makes disparaging remarks and accusations about the University of Kansas. Those close to Holstead say it’s impossible to know exactly how many posts he averages in a day, but family members admit he spends most of his time sitting in front of the computer.
“I’d say he’s in front of that damn thing at least eight to 10 hours during the day,” said Beatrice Holstead, Ronnie’s mother. “He used to go out with his friends most nights, or go to the bar to watch the Tigers play, but now he just sits there, typing away and snickering to himself.”
After a recent spat of fights broke out among players on the Kansas football and basketball teams, Holstead says he spent almost 24 hours at the computer, scouring the Internet for any story or blog posting about the incident, making sure to post on each one.
“A lot of times I write one killer post, and I’ll just copy that on a bunch of different places,” said Holstead, who dropped out of Grandview High School in 2000. “But that fight was awesome. I probably posted about 60 different things, but most of it was about KU sucking pretty hard. Those guys are all huge douche bags.”
Friends, however, are concerned that Holstead’s time on the computer is taking away from the enjoyment of Missouri’s actual accomplishments. During last season’s NCAA basketball tournament, Holstead watched every single KU game, and went so far as to buy a round of shots for the bar he was at when the Jayhawks fell to Michigan State. But he failed to watch even a single half of the Missouri Tigers’ run to the Elite Eight.
“He used to be the biggest Tiger fan on the planet,” said friend Landus Dumpkin, who went to high school with Holstead, then went onto graduate from Missouri in 2005. “Three years ago, he could name nearly every Missouri football player on the team, even the third and fourth stringers. Now, I’m not sure if he even knows who the quarterback is.”
When questioned about the quarterback, Holstead stammered for a moment before changing the subject. In fact, Holstead struggled to name even one starter for the Tigers football team.
“Whatever man, it doesn’t matter who our quarterback is. We could put anybody in there and we’re still going to blast those ChickenHawks,” said Holstead. “You think that little shrimp Todd Reesing can stand up to us? Hell no. And we’re going to smack around that punk Kerry Meier and Briscoe. And don’t get me started on their offensive line. Tanner Hawkinson, Jeff Spikes, Brad Thorson, they don’t got nothing on us. None of them even knew what college football was before this season. We’re going to destroy them. Is Macklin still a Tiger? That guy is the shit.”
One friend close to Holstead says he believes the tide turned during the 2007 college football season, when Kansas and Missouri both vied for the national championship. Despite the fact that Missouri beat Kansas head to head, the Jayhawks went to, and won, a BCS Bowl game, while Missouri had to settle for the Cotton Bowl.
“That whole year he really became angry and bitter,” said Cole Trachenbacher, a friend of Holstead’s since grade school. “About halfway through the season, when we’d call him to go watch the Missouri game, he’d make up an excuse to not come. Then he’d spend the whole next week bitching about KU’s easy schedule, or how the refs gave them the game, and it was obvious he’d been watching the Jayhawks. I mean, I hate the KU too, but it’s like he preferred watching Kansas over Missouri. That’s messed up.”
Just a few months later, the Jayhawks won the National Championship in men’s basketball, sending Holstead over the edge.
“For a few days, he didn’t even touch the computer,” Beatrice Holstead said. “I thought maybe he’d given up and was ready to go back to hanging out with his friends and smoking pot. But after three or four days, he was back on it, ranting about probation and cheaters.”
Holstead’s posting activity isn’t always well received; as he’s been banned from at least seven message boards, including the Jayhawk Slant, Phog.net, and even GoPowercat.com, a Kansas State fan board, after accusing the entire state of Kansas of “overt gayness”.
Two years ago, the Kansas City Star changed their posting format from anonymous to one requiring registration, in part because of the abusive and vile comments from Holstead and others like him.
“It’s not just that guy, although he’s one of the worst. There are fans from Kansas, Missouri, Kansas State and Nebraska who all wait for a story about a rival school to pop up, then attack the school, the players, the fans, anyone they can,” said Dave Jenkins, who monitors comments on the KansasCity.com Web site. “Half the time, I don’t even think they read beyond the first line of the story.”
Even administrators at the Missouri fan site, Tigerboard, have warned Holstead to stay on topic.
“We all hate Kansas, that’s a prerequisite for being a Tiger fan, but there has to be some limits on what is allowable,” said Tyler Brown, who helps run Tigerboard. “We had one thread titled “Your favorite place to eat off campus”, and that guy, MizzouFan6969_2001, ended up posting about Mangino’s resemblance to Jabba the Hut, and how great it was that Quantrill burned Lawrence to the ground. I actually haven’t seen him post anything of relevance in about a year.”
Despite his detractors, Holstead said he remains a huge Missouri fan, and he’s just showing that by bashing Kansas whenever he has a chance.
“Look, I’m all about the black and gold. I know Coach Pinkel is going to have us back in the Big 12 championship game this year, and I know coach – uh – who’s the basketball coach? That new guy. What’s his name? Whatever. I know he doesn’t wear a rug on his head like Bill Selfish.”
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