AUSTIN, Texas – Big 12 Commissioner Dan Beebe today ordered Nebraska and Colorado out of the Big 12, forfeiting any wins they accumulated during the conference basketball season. As a result, Beebe also the Kansas Jayhawks stripped of their seventh straight Big 12 championship and awarded it to the Texas Longhorns.
Beebe said Nebraska and Colorado were undeserving of participating in Big 12 play after both schools announced they were leaving the conference: Nebraska to the Big 10 and Colorado to the Pac 10.
“I thought about this for a long time and after weighing all my options, I’ve decided it’s best for the conference that neither of these schools be allowed to participate in Big 12 basketball during the 2010-11 season,” said Beebe. “These teams left the Big 12 through nefarious dealings, and I don’t they should be rewarded for it by participating in our conference.”
Both teams had decent conference seasons as Colorado won eight games and Nebraska won seven, but neither challenged for the league title or are expected to receive a bid to the NCAA Tournament.
But the move had far reaching consequences as both teams won their only meeting against the Texas Longhorns. By awarding those games to Texas, the Longhorns finished with just one Big 12 loss, a game ahead of Kansas.
When asked about Texas winning the Big 12 title because of this move, Beebe shrugged his shoulders.
“Oh, is that what will happen? I hadn’t even thought about that,” said Beebe. “Ah well. That’s the past now, I guess we can’t change it. I, for one, applaud the great men of Texas for finally knocking Kansas off that perch. It’s quite an accomplishment and something they should be proud of.”
Monday, March 7, 2011
Missouri road struggles continue; Tigers lose practice game against Shawnee Mission East JV boys
PRAIRIE VILLAGE – The Missouri Tigers suffered their most embarrassing setback of the season on Monday morning, losing to the Shawnee Mission East junior varsity squad 54-52 in a game designed to get the Tigers back on track for the Big 12 tournament, which starts Wednesday.
The Tigers, who have lost three straight heading into the tournament and went 1-7 on the road in Big 12 play, are using the Lancers' gym to practice before the start of the Big 12 tournament. But things took an unexpected turn when the Tigers agreed to a scrimmage, then got off to a slow start against the SM East JV team. The Missouri players found themselves stunned when Kim English’s last-second 3-pointer rimmed out at the buzzer.
The Lancers celebrated the win before heading off to first period.
“We just can’t seem to get a win on the road,” said Tigers coach Mike Anderson. “I mean, come on. The only reason we played this game was to get our confidence back up away from our own court. They varsity team wasn’t even available. It was either this, or the girl’s freshman team. I guess I should have played the girls.”
The Lancers JV team committed 20 turnovers against Missouri’s full court pressure defense, but the Tigers converted those turnovers into just nine points. Danny Timlin, who averaged four points per game during the season for the Lancers, scored 21 points, including five 3 pointers.
“This was so awesome,” said Timlin, a 15-year-old sophomore who missed warm ups because his mom was late dropping him off. “I mean, I guess it’s just the Tigers and it wasn’t on their court, so it’s not like you can get too excited, but this is awesome.”
English, who made three of his last 20 field goals in Big 12 play, went 1 for 13 against the Lancers, but didn’t hesitate to take the 3-pointer, despite facing a double-team.
“I’m a shooter, and they always say that when you’re in a slump, you have to shoot your way out,” said English. “Wait, is that a basketball saying? Maybe I heard that wrong.”
The Tigers, who have lost three straight heading into the tournament and went 1-7 on the road in Big 12 play, are using the Lancers' gym to practice before the start of the Big 12 tournament. But things took an unexpected turn when the Tigers agreed to a scrimmage, then got off to a slow start against the SM East JV team. The Missouri players found themselves stunned when Kim English’s last-second 3-pointer rimmed out at the buzzer.
The Lancers celebrated the win before heading off to first period.
“We just can’t seem to get a win on the road,” said Tigers coach Mike Anderson. “I mean, come on. The only reason we played this game was to get our confidence back up away from our own court. They varsity team wasn’t even available. It was either this, or the girl’s freshman team. I guess I should have played the girls.”
The Lancers JV team committed 20 turnovers against Missouri’s full court pressure defense, but the Tigers converted those turnovers into just nine points. Danny Timlin, who averaged four points per game during the season for the Lancers, scored 21 points, including five 3 pointers.
“This was so awesome,” said Timlin, a 15-year-old sophomore who missed warm ups because his mom was late dropping him off. “I mean, I guess it’s just the Tigers and it wasn’t on their court, so it’s not like you can get too excited, but this is awesome.”
English, who made three of his last 20 field goals in Big 12 play, went 1 for 13 against the Lancers, but didn’t hesitate to take the 3-pointer, despite facing a double-team.
“I’m a shooter, and they always say that when you’re in a slump, you have to shoot your way out,” said English. “Wait, is that a basketball saying? Maybe I heard that wrong.”
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Jayhawk fan calls “foul” on officials
LAWRENCE – University of Kansas junior Trevor Stallworth spent his entire Tuesday morning talking to everyone he could about the Jayhawks’ humiliating loss to Kansas State on Monday. While others wanted to discuss the impressive play of K-State senior Jacob Pullen, or KU’s poor handling of the basketball, Stallworth had only one issue on his mind: The referees’ bias against the University of Kansas.
“It’s a trend that I’ve noticed the last few years,” said Stallworth. “When KU plays K-State, the refs are always biased against the Jayhawks. Most of the time Kansas is good enough to overcome it, but you can’t always win playing five against eight.”
While both teams shot an equal amount of free throws, and the Jayhawks were whistled for just three more fouls than K-State, Stallworth points to the unusually high number of offensive fouls called against the Jayhawk forwards, and to K-State getting “all the calls” in the first half as a major contributor to the Jayhawks loss.
“Clearly the refs didn’t want Kansas to win that game. I think some of them are jealous of the Jayhawks' success and they like to see the underdog Wildcats win,” said Stallworth. “But every game, every time, K-State gets all the calls against Kansas. And I don’t think it’s fair.”
Stallworth's friend Ross Winston, a Kansas State fan, just shook his head after their conversation about the game.
“It’s sad, really, to see someone using the referees as an excuse for a loss,” said Winston. “I’m pretty proud to say that’s one thing you’ll never hear from the K-State fan base. Unless we lose. Then we’re the whiniest bitches on the planet.”
“It’s a trend that I’ve noticed the last few years,” said Stallworth. “When KU plays K-State, the refs are always biased against the Jayhawks. Most of the time Kansas is good enough to overcome it, but you can’t always win playing five against eight.”
While both teams shot an equal amount of free throws, and the Jayhawks were whistled for just three more fouls than K-State, Stallworth points to the unusually high number of offensive fouls called against the Jayhawk forwards, and to K-State getting “all the calls” in the first half as a major contributor to the Jayhawks loss.
“Clearly the refs didn’t want Kansas to win that game. I think some of them are jealous of the Jayhawks' success and they like to see the underdog Wildcats win,” said Stallworth. “But every game, every time, K-State gets all the calls against Kansas. And I don’t think it’s fair.”
Stallworth's friend Ross Winston, a Kansas State fan, just shook his head after their conversation about the game.
“It’s sad, really, to see someone using the referees as an excuse for a loss,” said Winston. “I’m pretty proud to say that’s one thing you’ll never hear from the K-State fan base. Unless we lose. Then we’re the whiniest bitches on the planet.”
Monday, February 14, 2011
Curtis Kelly hits coach with chair, leaves K-State
BOULDER, Co. – In a shocking turn of events, Curtis Kelly completed his destruction of the Kansas State Wildcats basketball team by whacking his coach, Frank Martin, in the back with a steel chair during the Wildcats 58-56 loss against Colorado on Saturday. Immediately after the chair shot, Kelly tore off his Kansas State jersey to reveal a University of Kansas t-shirt, then extended both middle fingers to the Wildcats’ bench and walked off the court to a chorus of boos from the K-State fans in Boulder.
The events culminated Kelly’s slow turn on his coach and teammates, as he has seemingly spent the entire season undermining the Kansas State basketball team, which was coming off an appearance in the NCAA Tournament’s Elite Eight in 2010, and had earned a pre-season ranking of No. 3 in the country.
The chair shot only added to the painful night for the Wildcats, which fell to 4-6 in Big 12 play after Rodney McGruder's apparent game-winning 3-pointer was waved off. The Wildcats now find themselves in danger of missing the NCAA Tournament, and have to deal with losing what should have been their best frontcourt player in Kelly.
“Looking back, all the signs were there, but as a fan you just didn’t want to believe it,” said Wyatt Thompson, the voice of the Kansas State Wildcats. “When it happened, all I could think was, ‘Good God, what is he doing? No, no, no!’”
Kelly’s season got off to a rocky start when he was benched for three games by Martin for allegedly giving poor effort during practice. He then picked up a six-game suspension in December for an impermissible benefits violation when he accepted free clothing from a Dillards in the Manhattan mall. And the most recent events come on the heels of another possible university violation that caused controversy throughout last week.
When reached for comment, Kelly said the turn started well before the season.
“All last year, I was the guy who put us on our shoulders and took us to the Elite Eight. But when you’d hear from fans and the media, all they talked about was Frank’s stare, or Jake’s beard,” Kelly said. “It’s bullshit. That was my team. And if they’re not gonna recognize, then I’m gonna make them recognize. And that's the bottom line.”
The events culminated Kelly’s slow turn on his coach and teammates, as he has seemingly spent the entire season undermining the Kansas State basketball team, which was coming off an appearance in the NCAA Tournament’s Elite Eight in 2010, and had earned a pre-season ranking of No. 3 in the country.
The chair shot only added to the painful night for the Wildcats, which fell to 4-6 in Big 12 play after Rodney McGruder's apparent game-winning 3-pointer was waved off. The Wildcats now find themselves in danger of missing the NCAA Tournament, and have to deal with losing what should have been their best frontcourt player in Kelly.
“Looking back, all the signs were there, but as a fan you just didn’t want to believe it,” said Wyatt Thompson, the voice of the Kansas State Wildcats. “When it happened, all I could think was, ‘Good God, what is he doing? No, no, no!’”
Kelly’s season got off to a rocky start when he was benched for three games by Martin for allegedly giving poor effort during practice. He then picked up a six-game suspension in December for an impermissible benefits violation when he accepted free clothing from a Dillards in the Manhattan mall. And the most recent events come on the heels of another possible university violation that caused controversy throughout last week.
When reached for comment, Kelly said the turn started well before the season.
“All last year, I was the guy who put us on our shoulders and took us to the Elite Eight. But when you’d hear from fans and the media, all they talked about was Frank’s stare, or Jake’s beard,” Kelly said. “It’s bullshit. That was my team. And if they’re not gonna recognize, then I’m gonna make them recognize. And that's the bottom line.”
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Bob Knight assessed technical foul during Big 12 game
NORMAN, Okla. – Former college basketball coach and current ESPN basketball commentator Bob Knight was back in familiar territory on Wednesday when he was hit with a technical foul for yelling at the officials during the Texas Longhorns 68-52 win against Oklahoma.
Knight, a three-time national championship coach whose temper and demeanor helped make him a legend, was pointing and yelling at referee John Higgins for ruling that Jordan Hamilton traveled after a shot fake and drive to the basket. Higgins stopped play, stood on one leg and made a dramatic “T” motion with his hands, then pointed at Knight six or seven times to indicate the technical foul.
“You see, all I was trying to do was get the ref to acknowledge that the kid pump faked,” Knight said before anyone asked the question or was even paying attention to him. “You see, it’s right here, this kid does a great shot fake before he drives. It’s important to shot fake with the basketball because it gets the defense on their heels, you see. And I didn’t agree with the referee for making the call against that kid because I think we need to reward the shot fake, not punish it.”
Because Knight was a neutral commentator, there was confusion about how it would be enforced. After the referees conferred, each team got to shoot one free throw. After the game, Higgins defended the technical call.
“I’m out there battling the players, the coaches and the fans, and the last thing I need is to battle the announcers as well,” said Higgins, who made sure the cameras ‘got his good side.’ “These people aren’t here to see Bob Knight talk into a microphone, they’re here to see me make flamboyant gestures and try to take over a game.”
Friday, October 15, 2010
Guy who just got back with his awful ex-girlfriend thinks Croyle should start
INDEPENDENCE, Mo. – Trey Stewart, who recently got back with his train-wreck of an ex-girlfriend, is adamant that Kansas City Chiefs’ backup quarterback Brodie Croyle should be named starter immediately.
Stewart made his feelings about Croyle known at a Chiefs watch party during Kansas City’s game against Indianapolis. It was also the first party he attended with his once-again girlfriend Cheryl Matta, who Stewart dumped two years ago after a six month turbulent relationship culminated with Matta cutting the brakes on his 1986 Buick Skylark.
“Matt Cassel sucks and he needs to be cut now,” Stewart said, as Matta hung on his arm, continually asking why Stewart doesn’t love her more. “Brody is cut out to be an NFL starter. Matt Cassel can’t throw the ball more than 15 feet. This is Rich Gannon and Elvis Grbac all over again. As long as Brody stays healthy, he’s a top 10 QB in this league.”
Stewart’s friends disagreed with his comments about Croyle. And with his decision to reunite with a woman who once tried to stab him with an icicle.
“He’s an idiot,” said Stewart’s former roommate Jeff Dunnam, who lived with Stewart during his first go-round with Matta. “She doesn’t have a job, she doesn’t cook or clean anything, she gave him gonorrhea, and I’m pretty sure she was the one who poisoned our hamster. And Brodie Croyle? Are you kidding me? He can’t stay healthy for more than a quarter and he’s never won a game in the NFL. .”
Shortly after this statement, the couple was asked to leave the party when Cheryl punched a fellow girlfriend, threw up on the kitchen floor, then started crying uncontrollably for 15 minutes.
Stewart made his feelings about Croyle known at a Chiefs watch party during Kansas City’s game against Indianapolis. It was also the first party he attended with his once-again girlfriend Cheryl Matta, who Stewart dumped two years ago after a six month turbulent relationship culminated with Matta cutting the brakes on his 1986 Buick Skylark.
“Matt Cassel sucks and he needs to be cut now,” Stewart said, as Matta hung on his arm, continually asking why Stewart doesn’t love her more. “Brody is cut out to be an NFL starter. Matt Cassel can’t throw the ball more than 15 feet. This is Rich Gannon and Elvis Grbac all over again. As long as Brody stays healthy, he’s a top 10 QB in this league.”
Stewart’s friends disagreed with his comments about Croyle. And with his decision to reunite with a woman who once tried to stab him with an icicle.
“He’s an idiot,” said Stewart’s former roommate Jeff Dunnam, who lived with Stewart during his first go-round with Matta. “She doesn’t have a job, she doesn’t cook or clean anything, she gave him gonorrhea, and I’m pretty sure she was the one who poisoned our hamster. And Brodie Croyle? Are you kidding me? He can’t stay healthy for more than a quarter and he’s never won a game in the NFL. .”
Shortly after this statement, the couple was asked to leave the party when Cheryl punched a fellow girlfriend, threw up on the kitchen floor, then started crying uncontrollably for 15 minutes.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Breaking News: No University of Missouri players arrested this week
COLUMBIA, Mo. – The University of Missouri athletic department today released a report highlighting the exemplary behavior its student athletes have displayed during the past four days. For the first time in what feels like forever, not a single University of Missouri athlete was arrested or accused of a crime during the first three days of the week.
Missouri players have run into legal trouble at least six times in the last few months, including a high profile arrest of former captain and player Derrick Washington, who has been charged with felony sexual assault and domestic violence. Washington has since been kicked off the team.
A press release went out to all local and national media with a statement from Missouri head football coach Gary Pinkel.
“I couldn’t be happier that we finally managed to almost go an entire week without me getting a call about one of my guys needing bail money,” said Pinkel. “I think this shows that the messages we’ve been preaching from day one are finally getting through to our team. It only took five or six guys getting arrested.”
Missouri players have run into legal trouble at least six times in the last few months, including a high profile arrest of former captain and player Derrick Washington, who has been charged with felony sexual assault and domestic violence. Washington has since been kicked off the team.
A press release went out to all local and national media with a statement from Missouri head football coach Gary Pinkel.
“I couldn’t be happier that we finally managed to almost go an entire week without me getting a call about one of my guys needing bail money,” said Pinkel. “I think this shows that the messages we’ve been preaching from day one are finally getting through to our team. It only took five or six guys getting arrested.”
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Chiefs' Smith declares he’s not a dirty pervert
KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Chiefs defensive lineman Shaun Smith wants the world to know: He’s not only concerned with sacking the quarterback and stopping the run, he’s also on a mission to snuff out testicular cancer everywhere.
Smith, dubbed the Genital Giant, has been accused twice this season of grabbing at an offensive lineman’s genitals during game play this season. Anthony Davis of the San Francisco 49ers and Alex Mack of the Cleveland Browns both claimed foul play against Smith, who was caught on tape appearing to grab Mack below the belt.
However, Smith says it’s all one big misunderstanding and that he’s actually trying to do a service in the NFL.
“We’re proud men here and we don’t think anything can happen, but testicular cancer is nothing to laugh at,” said Smith, who has no family history of testicular cancer nor has he ever actually met anyone affected by it. “Most guys are too embarrassed or proud to check themselves, but I’m not too proud. And if it means grabbing the junk of every offensive lineman I go up against, that’s what I’m going to do. Hell, I usually check myself out two or three times after games, just to make sure.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said there is no place in the NFL for unauthorized grabbing and that significant punishment may be handed down if the accusations are proven true.
“We don’t tolerate that kind of nonsense in the NFL. Testicular cancer? Is that even real? That sounds an awful lot like prostate cancer. Those are dude things, and we don’t promote any kind of awareness about dude diseases,” said Goodell. “This is breast cancer awareness month. That’s something that needs awareness. The men should be smart enough to figure out their own business by themselves.”
Smith, dubbed the Genital Giant, has been accused twice this season of grabbing at an offensive lineman’s genitals during game play this season. Anthony Davis of the San Francisco 49ers and Alex Mack of the Cleveland Browns both claimed foul play against Smith, who was caught on tape appearing to grab Mack below the belt.
However, Smith says it’s all one big misunderstanding and that he’s actually trying to do a service in the NFL.
“We’re proud men here and we don’t think anything can happen, but testicular cancer is nothing to laugh at,” said Smith, who has no family history of testicular cancer nor has he ever actually met anyone affected by it. “Most guys are too embarrassed or proud to check themselves, but I’m not too proud. And if it means grabbing the junk of every offensive lineman I go up against, that’s what I’m going to do. Hell, I usually check myself out two or three times after games, just to make sure.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said there is no place in the NFL for unauthorized grabbing and that significant punishment may be handed down if the accusations are proven true.
“We don’t tolerate that kind of nonsense in the NFL. Testicular cancer? Is that even real? That sounds an awful lot like prostate cancer. Those are dude things, and we don’t promote any kind of awareness about dude diseases,” said Goodell. “This is breast cancer awareness month. That’s something that needs awareness. The men should be smart enough to figure out their own business by themselves.”
Turner Gill makes a change in travel arrangements, makes players change rooms
LAWRENCE, Kan. – After taking away cell phones from his players and prohibiting any interaction with females after 10 p.m. the night before a game, University of Kansas head football coach Turner Gill is trying a few new tricks to help get the Jayhawks on the right track.
Starting with this week’s game against K-State, anytime the Jayhawks ride the bus they’ll ride as an offensive unit and a defensive unit. Also, Gill has ordered several of his players to change dorm rooms to ensure that each room contains one black player and one white player.
The move sparked controversy among the players and the media, but Gill is hoping it’ll help spark a sense of team unity, which he believes is the only thing keeping them from winning. He said he's heard of these things working before and is hoping to duplicate the success for his team. He also said he will not be deterred from his tactics.
“I don't scratch my head unless it itches and I don't dance unless I hear some music. I will not be intimidated. That's just the way it is,” said Gill.
In addition, Gill has instituted a new disciplinary policy, ordering his players to run a mile any time they make a mistake. After dropping two passes during the Jayhawks loss to Baylor, wide receiver Johnathan Wilson was ordered to run two miles.
“Petey, do you know how many feet are in a mile,” Gill asked Wilson, who responded by stating his name isn’t Petey. “5,280 feet! You pick this ball up and run every one of them! You're killing me, Petey! You're killing me!”
Starting with this week’s game against K-State, anytime the Jayhawks ride the bus they’ll ride as an offensive unit and a defensive unit. Also, Gill has ordered several of his players to change dorm rooms to ensure that each room contains one black player and one white player.
The move sparked controversy among the players and the media, but Gill is hoping it’ll help spark a sense of team unity, which he believes is the only thing keeping them from winning. He said he's heard of these things working before and is hoping to duplicate the success for his team. He also said he will not be deterred from his tactics.
“I don't scratch my head unless it itches and I don't dance unless I hear some music. I will not be intimidated. That's just the way it is,” said Gill.
In addition, Gill has instituted a new disciplinary policy, ordering his players to run a mile any time they make a mistake. After dropping two passes during the Jayhawks loss to Baylor, wide receiver Johnathan Wilson was ordered to run two miles.
“Petey, do you know how many feet are in a mile,” Gill asked Wilson, who responded by stating his name isn’t Petey. “5,280 feet! You pick this ball up and run every one of them! You're killing me, Petey! You're killing me!”
True Chiefs fan secretly hates Chiefs’ success
KRIKSVILLE, Mo. – With the Kansas City Chiefs off to their best start in years, the Kansas City area is starting to show signs of pride in its football team once again. For most residents, it’s an opportunity to wear red, talk football around the water cooler and hang flags from their houses and car antennas.
But not everyone is celebrating the Chiefs’ success. Self-proclaimed “true Chiefs fan” Allan Gast is disappointed with the reaction he’s seeing.
“Where were all these people last year?” said Gast, 41, a sandwich artist at Subway. “Where was the love and support when the Chiefs were down? That’s when the real fans are around. Not these asshole bandwagon fans who couldn’t name five players off of the 2008 team.”
Gast says he now demonstrates his true loyalty by refusing to wear any Chiefs merchandise and staying out of discussions about the Chiefs with his friends or customers. Even his coworkers, who have taken to wearing red on Fridays this season, say Gast is standoffish and almost confrontational when they start talking about Kansas City football.
“After that Monday night game a few of us were talking about Dexter’s return for a touchdown when Allan walked up and got pissed,” said Jay Terry, a fellow sandwich artist. “He started asking if we knew the last Chiefs player to score a special touchdown. When we couldn’t answer, he screamed we didn’t deserve to be Chiefs fans. Then refused to talk to us the rest of the day.”
Gast, who doesn’t own season tickets, has attended every game during the last five seasons by purchasing heavily discounted tickets off third-party websites, or simply showing up around game time and receiving free tickets from people looking to get rid of them. This season, however, he’s found it difficult to grab tickets at below face value.
“Where were these people in 08 when we lost 14 games? Where were they when we were getting destroyed week after week? Because I was here; supporting the team like a real fan and getting into the game for nearly free,” said Gast, as his face turned beat red and voice cracked. “To be honest with you, real Chiefs’ fans like me are happier when the team is losing.”
But not everyone is celebrating the Chiefs’ success. Self-proclaimed “true Chiefs fan” Allan Gast is disappointed with the reaction he’s seeing.
“Where were all these people last year?” said Gast, 41, a sandwich artist at Subway. “Where was the love and support when the Chiefs were down? That’s when the real fans are around. Not these asshole bandwagon fans who couldn’t name five players off of the 2008 team.”
Gast says he now demonstrates his true loyalty by refusing to wear any Chiefs merchandise and staying out of discussions about the Chiefs with his friends or customers. Even his coworkers, who have taken to wearing red on Fridays this season, say Gast is standoffish and almost confrontational when they start talking about Kansas City football.
“After that Monday night game a few of us were talking about Dexter’s return for a touchdown when Allan walked up and got pissed,” said Jay Terry, a fellow sandwich artist. “He started asking if we knew the last Chiefs player to score a special touchdown. When we couldn’t answer, he screamed we didn’t deserve to be Chiefs fans. Then refused to talk to us the rest of the day.”
Gast, who doesn’t own season tickets, has attended every game during the last five seasons by purchasing heavily discounted tickets off third-party websites, or simply showing up around game time and receiving free tickets from people looking to get rid of them. This season, however, he’s found it difficult to grab tickets at below face value.
“Where were these people in 08 when we lost 14 games? Where were they when we were getting destroyed week after week? Because I was here; supporting the team like a real fan and getting into the game for nearly free,” said Gast, as his face turned beat red and voice cracked. “To be honest with you, real Chiefs’ fans like me are happier when the team is losing.”
Moore giddy about Braves’ post season win
ATLANTA – Despite the Atlanta Braves first-round elimination from the MLB playoffs, Kansas City Royals General Manager Dayton Moore remained all smiles as he spoke about the Braves lone post season win.
Moore, a former assistant GM in the Atlanta Braves organization, sent outfielder Rick Ankiel and reliever Kyle Farnsworth to the Braves earlier this season in exchange for a few prospects. Both Ankiel and Farnsworth played big roles in the Braves victory, which at the time evened their series with San Francisco at 1-1.
Farnsworth got out of a late-inning bases-loaded jam by inducing a double play, and Ankiel hit what turned out to be the game-winning home run.
“Did you see the way Rick crushed that ball? That’s why we signed him, because he could do that,” Moore gushed to the FedEx delivery guy who had just showed up to pick up a package. “And Farnsy, boy did we get killed by fans and the press on that guy. But I think he just showed his value by getting out of that jam. That one win had to worth $9 million to Braves fans, and Royals fans should be proud of that.”
Moore also said the performances of the former Royals gives him confidence heading into the off season.
“I’m super excited for the free agency period to get here. I can’t wait until next October, when I’m watching former Royal Jeff Francoeur hit a walk off homer for the Angels.”
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Kansas State fans angrily donate 200 coats to homeless shelter
MANHATTAN – Fans of the Kansas State Wildcat basketball team angrily donated more than 200 coats and other articles of winter clothing before the Wildcats win over Texas A&M on Tuesday. The donations came as part of a clothing drive at Bramlage Coliseum for the homeless in and around the college town.
Dozens upon dozens of fans poured through the donation line with coats, hats, scarves and gloves, and nearly all were scowl-faced and grumbling about the referees, the media, the Kansas Jayhawks, or some other perceived slight against their school.
One fan, Douglas Haake, went so far as to bring a Kansas State Wildcat winter coat and a Jayhawk scarf. After placing the coat in the donation basket, he proceeded to pull out a lighter and set flame to the Jayhawk scarf, causing a huge uproar of cheers from the surrounding crowd.
“Knowing there are homeless people in Manhattan makes me so angry,” said Haake, gritting his teeth . “But I’m pretty sure anyone living in Manhattan would rather freeze to death than wear a gay Jayhawk scarf.”
Linda Goodman, who runs the homeless shelter in Manhattan expressed her gratitude to the students and fans at Kansas State, but was also appalled at the overwhelming sense of anger and frustration in the fans.
“Don’t get me wrong, this is a wonderful blessing and will help many survive the bitter cold nights this winter, but my goodness, some of those fans were really mean,” said Goodman. “One said he’d only donate if I could guarantee him it wouldn’t go to ‘the blind, brainless, nutless zebra who’s trying to screw the Wildcats on the court.’”
Dozens upon dozens of fans poured through the donation line with coats, hats, scarves and gloves, and nearly all were scowl-faced and grumbling about the referees, the media, the Kansas Jayhawks, or some other perceived slight against their school.
One fan, Douglas Haake, went so far as to bring a Kansas State Wildcat winter coat and a Jayhawk scarf. After placing the coat in the donation basket, he proceeded to pull out a lighter and set flame to the Jayhawk scarf, causing a huge uproar of cheers from the surrounding crowd.
“Knowing there are homeless people in Manhattan makes me so angry,” said Haake, gritting his teeth . “But I’m pretty sure anyone living in Manhattan would rather freeze to death than wear a gay Jayhawk scarf.”
Linda Goodman, who runs the homeless shelter in Manhattan expressed her gratitude to the students and fans at Kansas State, but was also appalled at the overwhelming sense of anger and frustration in the fans.
“Don’t get me wrong, this is a wonderful blessing and will help many survive the bitter cold nights this winter, but my goodness, some of those fans were really mean,” said Goodman. “One said he’d only donate if I could guarantee him it wouldn’t go to ‘the blind, brainless, nutless zebra who’s trying to screw the Wildcats on the court.’”
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Pioli’s plan just missing a few Hall of Fame pieces
KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Chiefs general manager Scott Pioli took two steps closer to his overall goal of world domination building another Super Bowl team, when he signed former New England offensive coordinator Charlie Weis and defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel to those respective positions with the Chiefs.
Those signings leave Pioli just a few pieces short, namely, a future Hall of Fame head coach, future Hall of Fame quarterback, the entire offensive line and five or six All-Pro players on defense.
During an interview to discuss the new coordinators, Pioli said a Super Bowl was nearly within his grasp.
“I’ve done this one step at a time. Last year, we acquired a kicker who appears to be reliable and we way overpaid a quarterback who has no business starting in the NFL,” said Pioli. “This year, we’ve got our coordinators in place. Now, all we need is for someone to injure Matt Cassel and our back up be an undiscovered future Hall of Famer who will bring this team together in a way no one has ever seen in the history of football. It’s pretty simple when you think about it. Oh, and we need to fire Todd Haley and hire Bill Belichick.”
Those signings leave Pioli just a few pieces short, namely, a future Hall of Fame head coach, future Hall of Fame quarterback, the entire offensive line and five or six All-Pro players on defense.
During an interview to discuss the new coordinators, Pioli said a Super Bowl was nearly within his grasp.
“I’ve done this one step at a time. Last year, we acquired a kicker who appears to be reliable and we way overpaid a quarterback who has no business starting in the NFL,” said Pioli. “This year, we’ve got our coordinators in place. Now, all we need is for someone to injure Matt Cassel and our back up be an undiscovered future Hall of Famer who will bring this team together in a way no one has ever seen in the history of football. It’s pretty simple when you think about it. Oh, and we need to fire Todd Haley and hire Bill Belichick.”
Frank Martin gets call of support from Charlie Sheen
MANHATTAN – Kansas State basketball coach Frank Martin today received a call from television star Charlie Sheen, offering words of encouragement to the embattled coach.
Martin, who came under fire this weekend after being caught on tape smacking one of his players, said he’s been inundated with calls of support from coaches, fans and especially celebrities, such as Tom Sizemore, Chris Brown and, of course, Sheen.
Sheen has a history of alleged violence against women, including recent accusations that he held a knife to his wife’s throat and threatened to have her killed. However, he has apparently made amends with his wife, who has requested that the recent restraining order against him be dropped.
“He just said that he understood what I was going through, and that by apologizing, professing my love for Chris (Merrieweather) and promising to never to it again, I was guaranteeing myself a free pass this time, and possibly next time it happens,” said Martin. “It was good to hear from a guy like Charlie, who’s dealt with this sort of thing a lot. I’ve got his number now, so next time it happens I can give him a call first.”
Martin said he’s trying to put the incident behind him, but that he’s flattered so many famous people have reached out. There was one call, however, that Martin decided not to take.
“OJ Simpson called yesterday morning. I let that one go to voicemail.”
Martin, who came under fire this weekend after being caught on tape smacking one of his players, said he’s been inundated with calls of support from coaches, fans and especially celebrities, such as Tom Sizemore, Chris Brown and, of course, Sheen.
Sheen has a history of alleged violence against women, including recent accusations that he held a knife to his wife’s throat and threatened to have her killed. However, he has apparently made amends with his wife, who has requested that the recent restraining order against him be dropped.
“He just said that he understood what I was going through, and that by apologizing, professing my love for Chris (Merrieweather) and promising to never to it again, I was guaranteeing myself a free pass this time, and possibly next time it happens,” said Martin. “It was good to hear from a guy like Charlie, who’s dealt with this sort of thing a lot. I’ve got his number now, so next time it happens I can give him a call first.”
Martin said he’s trying to put the incident behind him, but that he’s flattered so many famous people have reached out. There was one call, however, that Martin decided not to take.
“OJ Simpson called yesterday morning. I let that one go to voicemail.”
Report: Glass instructed Moore to ‘Prove a point’ about spending money
KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Unnamed sources inside the Kansas City Royals organization today revealed the past four seasons have been nothing more than a conspiracy cooked up by Royals’ owner David Glass and General Manager Dayton Moore.
The plan, which including spending money on horrible free agents was put in place to “teach the fans a lesson” that money doesn’t always equal success.
According to the reports, Glass had grown tired of being accused of all of the Royals troubles for his failure to spend any money on free agents during the tenure of former General Manager Allard Baird. After firing Baird, Glass reached out to Moore, promising him the General Manager job, a 100 percent increase in payroll, and a good parking spot, if Moore would promise to continually spend money on horrible free agents.
“People kept saying the Royals would win if (Glass) would just spend the money on free agents,” said a source, who refused to be named for fear of his job. “Mr. Glass took those accusations personally and really wanted to prove that even if he spent money, the Royals were still going to be very bad.”
Since his arrival, Moore has thrown millions of dollars at questionable free agents, even while better, cheaper opportunities were available. Since becoming general manager, he’s overpaid for players such as Jose Guillen, Kyle Farnsworth, Ron Mahay and Yasuhiko Yabuta.
Even his successes have been by accident.
“Dayton gave Gil Meche $55 million. This is an injury-prone pitcher who, in eight years, had only started at least 30 games twice, and was, at best marginal,” said the source. “Meche was supposed to be a disaster, instead, he comes to Kansas City and pitches at his value for two-plus years.”
Thus far, Glass’s plan is working to perfection. The Royals continue to toil at the bottom of the American League, despite an increase in payroll of nearly $25 million. Despite saying he had almost no payroll flexibility this off season, Moore has continued to bring in expensive, sub-par free agents, such as Scott Podsednik and 52-year old Jason Kendall.
“When Mr. Glass decides to prove a point, he doesn’t stop until it’s hammered into everyone’s mind,” said the source. “This is likely to continue until the fans apologize and ask him to stop spending more money.”
The plan, which including spending money on horrible free agents was put in place to “teach the fans a lesson” that money doesn’t always equal success.
According to the reports, Glass had grown tired of being accused of all of the Royals troubles for his failure to spend any money on free agents during the tenure of former General Manager Allard Baird. After firing Baird, Glass reached out to Moore, promising him the General Manager job, a 100 percent increase in payroll, and a good parking spot, if Moore would promise to continually spend money on horrible free agents.
“People kept saying the Royals would win if (Glass) would just spend the money on free agents,” said a source, who refused to be named for fear of his job. “Mr. Glass took those accusations personally and really wanted to prove that even if he spent money, the Royals were still going to be very bad.”
Since his arrival, Moore has thrown millions of dollars at questionable free agents, even while better, cheaper opportunities were available. Since becoming general manager, he’s overpaid for players such as Jose Guillen, Kyle Farnsworth, Ron Mahay and Yasuhiko Yabuta.
Even his successes have been by accident.
“Dayton gave Gil Meche $55 million. This is an injury-prone pitcher who, in eight years, had only started at least 30 games twice, and was, at best marginal,” said the source. “Meche was supposed to be a disaster, instead, he comes to Kansas City and pitches at his value for two-plus years.”
Thus far, Glass’s plan is working to perfection. The Royals continue to toil at the bottom of the American League, despite an increase in payroll of nearly $25 million. Despite saying he had almost no payroll flexibility this off season, Moore has continued to bring in expensive, sub-par free agents, such as Scott Podsednik and 52-year old Jason Kendall.
“When Mr. Glass decides to prove a point, he doesn’t stop until it’s hammered into everyone’s mind,” said the source. “This is likely to continue until the fans apologize and ask him to stop spending more money.”
Kansas Jayhawks fan telling everyone that was a “good loss”. No. Really.
SALINA – Junior College student and avid Kansas Jayhawks basketball fan Ryan Hartley spent all day on Monday telling everyone the Jayhawks’ loss to Tennessee was, “good for the team.”
The Jayhawks, who went into Sunday’s game in Knoxville undefeated and ranked No. 1 in the nation, looked sluggish and slow, losing to a Tennessee Volunteers basketball team that was playing with just six scholarship players after an incident caused coach Bruce Pearl to suspend four players.
This came on the heels of a near-disastrous game at home against Cornell last Wednesday, when the Jayhawks needed a herculean-effort from Sherron Collins to avoid one of the worst upsets in the program’s history.
Despite losing to a team that would have had to forfeit a slow-pitch softball game, Hartley said the game would help get the Jayhawks focused for conference.
“Every coach will tell you, you always want to lose a game or two,” said Hartley. “Losses aren’t one step backwards, they’re two steps forward. Losing is a good thing. You don’t want to be ranked No. 1 all season, that’s too much pressure. They’ll focus on what they need to improve on. Or it’ll light a fire under them. Or that test will give them experience in the tournament. I was actually rooting against them, so I was happy to see them lose. Seriously, I lit up a victory cigar. That’s how good of a loss it was. I definitely didn’t skip dinner then cry myself to sleep.”
The Jayhawks, who went into Sunday’s game in Knoxville undefeated and ranked No. 1 in the nation, looked sluggish and slow, losing to a Tennessee Volunteers basketball team that was playing with just six scholarship players after an incident caused coach Bruce Pearl to suspend four players.
This came on the heels of a near-disastrous game at home against Cornell last Wednesday, when the Jayhawks needed a herculean-effort from Sherron Collins to avoid one of the worst upsets in the program’s history.
Despite losing to a team that would have had to forfeit a slow-pitch softball game, Hartley said the game would help get the Jayhawks focused for conference.
“Every coach will tell you, you always want to lose a game or two,” said Hartley. “Losses aren’t one step backwards, they’re two steps forward. Losing is a good thing. You don’t want to be ranked No. 1 all season, that’s too much pressure. They’ll focus on what they need to improve on. Or it’ll light a fire under them. Or that test will give them experience in the tournament. I was actually rooting against them, so I was happy to see them lose. Seriously, I lit up a victory cigar. That’s how good of a loss it was. I definitely didn’t skip dinner then cry myself to sleep.”
Monday, December 21, 2009
Hillman spending off season creating folksy nicknames
LIBERTY HILL, Texas – Kansas City Royals manager Trey Hillman has spent this off season working hard on thinking of ways to integrate new Royals into the roster and making them feel welcome by referring to them by a folksy nickname.
Hillman, known for his pornstar-esque mustache, his inability to stick with a roster, his team’s sub-par fundamentals, and his ability to stick a “y” on the end of everyone’s name, said he works nearly the entire off season to ensure everyone on the team has a nickname.
“Guys like Farnsey, Hosey, Jack, Gordy, Gilly and Davey, the nicknames really let them know they’re part of the team,” said Hillman, who said a bitter argument with Jose Guillen early in his tenure as Royals manager led him to come up with the nickname idea. “When I call Hosey “Hosey”, it lets him know that this is kind of a laid back, relaxed atmosphere, and not a place where he needs to threaten to kill me.”
Hillman’s perception of the success of his nicknames has led him to spend most of his off time thinking about what to call new guys, and if any of the current players need a new nickname.
“When we signed Jason Kendall, you’d think the first thing I would do is look at his stats, look at some film on him and see how we can best use him,” said Hillman. “What I actually did was spend an entire week decided whether to call him Jay-Jay, or Kendy. The stats thing will work itself out down the road.”
Hillman, known for his pornstar-esque mustache, his inability to stick with a roster, his team’s sub-par fundamentals, and his ability to stick a “y” on the end of everyone’s name, said he works nearly the entire off season to ensure everyone on the team has a nickname.
“Guys like Farnsey, Hosey, Jack, Gordy, Gilly and Davey, the nicknames really let them know they’re part of the team,” said Hillman, who said a bitter argument with Jose Guillen early in his tenure as Royals manager led him to come up with the nickname idea. “When I call Hosey “Hosey”, it lets him know that this is kind of a laid back, relaxed atmosphere, and not a place where he needs to threaten to kill me.”
Hillman’s perception of the success of his nicknames has led him to spend most of his off time thinking about what to call new guys, and if any of the current players need a new nickname.
“When we signed Jason Kendall, you’d think the first thing I would do is look at his stats, look at some film on him and see how we can best use him,” said Hillman. “What I actually did was spend an entire week decided whether to call him Jay-Jay, or Kendy. The stats thing will work itself out down the road.”
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Delusional Jayhawk fan mocks Missouri for “only making the Texas bowl”
BONNER SPRINGS – Delusional Kansas Jayhawk fan Pat Williams spent 15 minutes making fun of his neighbor, Sam Millsboro, the Missouri Tigers and the Tigers spot in the Texas Bowl.
The Missouri Tigers, who went 8-4 this season, will play Navy on December 31st in Dallas. While it’s played in an area where Missouri recruits, and televised on ESPN, the Texas Bowl is commonly reserved for the final Big 12 team selected, something Williams brought up repeatedly.
Despite returning nearly all of their offensive weapons, Kansas did not qualify for a bowl and fired its coach. Still, according to Williams, it’s a much better time to be a Jayhawk fan.
“The Texas Bowl is a joke, it’s barely even a bowl. I’d probably be a little embarrassed if my team accepted an invite to it,” said Williams, wearing a sweatshirt purchased at the Fort Worth Bowl in 2005.
Millsboro, who played football at Missouri, graduating in 1974, said he tries to avoid talking to Williams, but happened to be outside putting up Christmas lights when Williams walked by with his dog.
“He does this a lot. When we first moved in, it bothered me, but now, honestly, I just try to avoid him,” said Millsboro. “I don’t think he went to KU, and he really doesn’t know that much about sports, but I guess it’s better than him asking how my wife and kids are again. My wife and daughter were killed in a car accident two years ago. I’m not sure how he doesn’t remember. He was at the funeral. I remember, because he gave me a hard time about scheduling the service during a KU game.”
The Missouri Tigers, who went 8-4 this season, will play Navy on December 31st in Dallas. While it’s played in an area where Missouri recruits, and televised on ESPN, the Texas Bowl is commonly reserved for the final Big 12 team selected, something Williams brought up repeatedly.
Despite returning nearly all of their offensive weapons, Kansas did not qualify for a bowl and fired its coach. Still, according to Williams, it’s a much better time to be a Jayhawk fan.
“The Texas Bowl is a joke, it’s barely even a bowl. I’d probably be a little embarrassed if my team accepted an invite to it,” said Williams, wearing a sweatshirt purchased at the Fort Worth Bowl in 2005.
Millsboro, who played football at Missouri, graduating in 1974, said he tries to avoid talking to Williams, but happened to be outside putting up Christmas lights when Williams walked by with his dog.
“He does this a lot. When we first moved in, it bothered me, but now, honestly, I just try to avoid him,” said Millsboro. “I don’t think he went to KU, and he really doesn’t know that much about sports, but I guess it’s better than him asking how my wife and kids are again. My wife and daughter were killed in a car accident two years ago. I’m not sure how he doesn’t remember. He was at the funeral. I remember, because he gave me a hard time about scheduling the service during a KU game.”
Dayton Moore kicked out of his fantasy baseball league
ATLANTA – Kansas City Royals General Manager Dayton Moore has been kicked out of the fantasy baseball league he’s participated in for the last seven years, according to sources close to the situation.
Moore, who began playing in the Yahoo! rotisserie keeper league, “Brave Brainpower” in 2002, has finished in last place three of the past four seasons, including last year’s debacle when he finished last in home runs, RBIs, runs scored, on-base percentage, walks and OPS.
It appears the decision was made during the winter meetings when Moore’s team, “the Processing Processors” finalized his keepers for the 2010 season, choosing to keep Willie Bloomquist, Willy Tavares, Edgar Renteria and Eric Bynes.
“Dayton isn’t being kicked out, we just decided to trim the league by one member,” said the league’s commissioner, who refused to be named, but goes by the username JShuerBrave. “It’s not that he wasn’t active. He was very active; probably more so than everyone else combined. We just want guys who are going to take this seriously, and not go out of their way to create the worst possible offensive lineup every day.”
Moore said there were no hard feelings and that he already had his hands full running three other fantasy teams.
“The thing they didn’t understand was that I was building something special, the process just hadn’t shown results yet,” said Moore. “But it’s cool, I was already spending a good 10 to 15 hours during the week managing four teams. This should free up some more time to concentrate on those teams.”
Moore, who began playing in the Yahoo! rotisserie keeper league, “Brave Brainpower” in 2002, has finished in last place three of the past four seasons, including last year’s debacle when he finished last in home runs, RBIs, runs scored, on-base percentage, walks and OPS.
It appears the decision was made during the winter meetings when Moore’s team, “the Processing Processors” finalized his keepers for the 2010 season, choosing to keep Willie Bloomquist, Willy Tavares, Edgar Renteria and Eric Bynes.
“Dayton isn’t being kicked out, we just decided to trim the league by one member,” said the league’s commissioner, who refused to be named, but goes by the username JShuerBrave. “It’s not that he wasn’t active. He was very active; probably more so than everyone else combined. We just want guys who are going to take this seriously, and not go out of their way to create the worst possible offensive lineup every day.”
Moore said there were no hard feelings and that he already had his hands full running three other fantasy teams.
“The thing they didn’t understand was that I was building something special, the process just hadn’t shown results yet,” said Moore. “But it’s cool, I was already spending a good 10 to 15 hours during the week managing four teams. This should free up some more time to concentrate on those teams.”
New Jersey sports writer just realized Kansas and Kansas State not the same team
MADISON, NJ – In addition to surprising college basketball fans across the country and becoming one of the early feel-good stories of the season, the Kansas State Wildcat basketball team is helping educate those not familiar with the Midwest.
Frank Legozamo, a sports writer for the New Jersey Standard, a small weekly newspaper, was recently hit with the revelation that there is more than one Division-I university in the state of Kansas. Legozamo said the fact hit him while reading the AP story on the top-25 this week.
“The first two paragraphs were all about Kansas State entering the top-25 for the first time this year, but I was almost positive Kansas was ranked No. 1 from the start,” said Legozamo. “I was in the middle of writing an e-mail to the AP writer when I looked up Kansas’ record. That’s when it hit me that there was a difference between Kansas and Kansas State. I just figured it was like Memphis.”
Legozamo said he doesn’t spend much time writing, watching or thinking about any of the “worthless fly over states”. He said he vaguely remembers seeing a Kansas State football game early in the decade, but figured the football team wore purple and the basketball team wore red and blue.
“Look, pretty much anything west of Philly may as well all be the same state,” said Legozamo. “Who would have thought a small state like Kansas would have enough people to fill two D-I universities. I guess it works if you put one in Kansas City and one in Wichita.”
Frank Legozamo, a sports writer for the New Jersey Standard, a small weekly newspaper, was recently hit with the revelation that there is more than one Division-I university in the state of Kansas. Legozamo said the fact hit him while reading the AP story on the top-25 this week.
“The first two paragraphs were all about Kansas State entering the top-25 for the first time this year, but I was almost positive Kansas was ranked No. 1 from the start,” said Legozamo. “I was in the middle of writing an e-mail to the AP writer when I looked up Kansas’ record. That’s when it hit me that there was a difference between Kansas and Kansas State. I just figured it was like Memphis.”
Legozamo said he doesn’t spend much time writing, watching or thinking about any of the “worthless fly over states”. He said he vaguely remembers seeing a Kansas State football game early in the decade, but figured the football team wore purple and the basketball team wore red and blue.
“Look, pretty much anything west of Philly may as well all be the same state,” said Legozamo. “Who would have thought a small state like Kansas would have enough people to fill two D-I universities. I guess it works if you put one in Kansas City and one in Wichita.”
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