Fake KC Sports

Beebe retroactively kicks out Nebraska and Colorado, awards Big 12 championship to Longhorns

2011-03-07T15:30:00.000-06:00

AUSTIN, Texas – Big 12 Commissioner Dan Beebe today ordered Nebraska and Colorado out of the Big 12, forfeiting any wins they accumulated during the conference basketball season. As a result, Beebe also the Kansas Jayhawks stripped of their seventh straight Big 12 championship and awarded it to the Texas Longhorns.

Beebe said Nebraska and Colorado were undeserving of participating in Big 12 play after both schools announced they were leaving the conference: Nebraska to the Big 10 and Colorado to the Pac 10.

“I thought about this for a long time and after weighing all my options, I’ve decided it’s best for the conference that neither of these schools be allowed to participate in Big 12 basketball during the 2010-11 season,” said Beebe. “These teams left the Big 12 through nefarious dealings, and I don’t they should be rewarded for it by participating in our conference.”

Both teams had decent conference seasons as Colorado won eight games and Nebraska won seven, but neither challenged for the league title or are expected to receive a bid to the NCAA Tournament.

But the move had far reaching consequences as both teams won their only meeting against the Texas Longhorns. By awarding those games to Texas, the Longhorns finished with just one Big 12 loss, a game ahead of Kansas.

When asked about Texas winning the Big 12 title because of this move, Beebe shrugged his shoulders.

“Oh, is that what will happen? I hadn’t even thought about that,” said Beebe. “Ah well. That’s the past now, I guess we can’t change it. I, for one, applaud the great men of Texas for finally knocking Kansas off that perch. It’s quite an accomplishment and something they should be proud of.”

Missouri road struggles continue; Tigers lose practice game against Shawnee Mission East JV boys

2011-03-07T11:23:00.001-06:00

PRAIRIE VILLAGE – The Missouri Tigers suffered their most embarrassing setback of the season on Monday morning, losing to the Shawnee Mission East junior varsity squad 54-52 in a game designed to get the Tigers back on track for the Big 12 tournament, which starts Wednesday.

The Tigers, who have lost three straight heading into the tournament and went 1-7 on the road in Big 12 play, are using the Lancers' gym to practice before the start of the Big 12 tournament. But things took an unexpected turn when the Tigers agreed to a scrimmage, then got off to a slow start against the SM East JV team. The Missouri players found themselves stunned when Kim English’s last-second 3-pointer rimmed out at the buzzer.

The Lancers celebrated the win before heading off to first period.

“We just can’t seem to get a win on the road,” said Tigers coach Mike Anderson. “I mean, come on. The only reason we played this game was to get our confidence back up away from our own court. They varsity team wasn’t even available. It was either this, or the girl’s freshman team. I guess I should have played the girls.”

The Lancers JV team committed 20 turnovers against Missouri’s full court pressure defense, but the Tigers converted those turnovers into just nine points. Danny Timlin, who averaged four points per game during the season for the Lancers, scored 21 points, including five 3 pointers.

“This was so awesome,” said Timlin, a 15-year-old sophomore who missed warm ups because his mom was late dropping him off. “I mean, I guess it’s just the Tigers and it wasn’t on their court, so it’s not like you can get too excited, but this is awesome.”

English, who made three of his last 20 field goals in Big 12 play, went 1 for 13 against the Lancers, but didn’t hesitate to take the 3-pointer, despite facing a double-team.

“I’m a shooter, and they always say that when you’re in a slump, you have to shoot your way out,” said English. “Wait, is that a basketball saying? Maybe I heard that wrong.”

Jayhawk fan calls “foul” on officials

2011-02-15T12:54:00.000-06:00

LAWRENCE – University of Kansas junior Trevor Stallworth spent his entire Tuesday morning talking to everyone he could about the Jayhawks’ humiliating loss to Kansas State on Monday. While others wanted to discuss the impressive play of K-State senior Jacob Pullen, or KU’s poor handling of the basketball, Stallworth had only one issue on his mind: The referees’ bias against the University of Kansas.

“It’s a trend that I’ve noticed the last few years,” said Stallworth. “When KU plays K-State, the refs are always biased against the Jayhawks. Most of the time Kansas is good enough to overcome it, but you can’t always win playing five against eight.”

While both teams shot an equal amount of free throws, and the Jayhawks were whistled for just three more fouls than K-State, Stallworth points to the unusually high number of offensive fouls called against the Jayhawk forwards, and to K-State getting “all the calls” in the first half as a major contributor to the Jayhawks loss.

“Clearly the refs didn’t want Kansas to win that game. I think some of them are jealous of the Jayhawks' success and they like to see the underdog Wildcats win,” said Stallworth. “But every game, every time, K-State gets all the calls against Kansas. And I don’t think it’s fair.”

Stallworth's friend Ross Winston, a Kansas State fan, just shook his head after their conversation about the game.

“It’s sad, really, to see someone using the referees as an excuse for a loss,” said Winston. “I’m pretty proud to say that’s one thing you’ll never hear from the K-State fan base. Unless we lose. Then we’re the whiniest bitches on the planet.”

Curtis Kelly hits coach with chair, leaves K-State

2011-02-14T08:00:00.011-06:00

BOULDER, Co. – In a shocking turn of events, Curtis Kelly completed his destruction of the Kansas State Wildcats basketball team by whacking his coach, Frank Martin, in the back with a steel chair during the Wildcats 58-56 loss against Colorado on Saturday. Immediately after the chair shot, Kelly tore off his Kansas State jersey to reveal a University of Kansas t-shirt, then extended both middle fingers to the Wildcats’ bench and walked off the court to a chorus of boos from the K-State fans in Boulder.

The events culminated Kelly’s slow turn on his coach and teammates, as he has seemingly spent the entire season undermining the Kansas State basketball team, which was coming off an appearance in the NCAA Tournament’s Elite Eight in 2010, and had earned a pre-season ranking of No. 3 in the country.

The chair shot only added to the painful night for the Wildcats, which fell to 4-6 in Big 12 play after Rodney McGruder's apparent game-winning 3-pointer was waved off. The Wildcats now find themselves in danger of missing the NCAA Tournament, and have to deal with losing what should have been their best frontcourt player in Kelly.

“Looking back, all the signs were there, but as a fan you just didn’t want to believe it,” said Wyatt Thompson, the voice of the Kansas State Wildcats. “When it happened, all I could think was, ‘Good God, what is he doing? No, no, no!’”

Kelly’s season got off to a rocky start when he was benched for three games by Martin for allegedly giving poor effort during practice. He then picked up a six-game suspension in December for an impermissible benefits violation when he accepted free clothing from a Dillards in the Manhattan mall. And the most recent events come on the heels of another possible university violation that caused controversy throughout last week.

When reached for comment, Kelly said the turn started well before the season.

“All last year, I was the guy who put us on our shoulders and took us to the Elite Eight. But when you’d hear from fans and the media, all they talked about was Frank’s stare, or Jake’s beard,” Kelly said. “It’s bullshit. That was my team. And if they’re not gonna recognize, then I’m gonna make them recognize. And that's the bottom line.”

Bob Knight assessed technical foul during Big 12 game

2011-02-10T14:54:00.000-06:00

NORMAN, Okla. – Former college basketball coach and current ESPN basketball commentator Bob Knight was back in familiar territory on Wednesday when he was hit with a technical foul for yelling at the officials during the Texas Longhorns 68-52 win against Oklahoma.

Knight, a three-time national championship coach whose temper and demeanor helped make him a legend, was pointing and yelling at referee John Higgins for ruling that Jordan Hamilton traveled after a shot fake and drive to the basket. Higgins stopped play, stood on one leg and made a dramatic “T” motion with his hands, then pointed at Knight six or seven times to indicate the technical foul.

“You see, all I was trying to do was get the ref to acknowledge that the kid pump faked,” Knight said before anyone asked the question or was even paying attention to him. “You see, it’s right here, this kid does a great shot fake before he drives. It’s important to shot fake with the basketball because it gets the defense on their heels, you see. And I didn’t agree with the referee for making the call against that kid because I think we need to reward the shot fake, not punish it.”

Because Knight was a neutral commentator, there was confusion about how it would be enforced. After the referees conferred, each team got to shoot one free throw. After the game, Higgins defended the technical call.

“I’m out there battling the players, the coaches and the fans, and the last thing I need is to battle the announcers as well,” said Higgins, who made sure the cameras ‘got his good side.’ “These people aren’t here to see Bob Knight talk into a microphone, they’re here to see me make flamboyant gestures and try to take over a game.”

Guy who just got back with his awful ex-girlfriend thinks Croyle should start

2010-10-15T06:00:00.003-05:00

INDEPENDENCE, Mo. – Trey Stewart, who recently got back with his train-wreck of an ex-girlfriend, is adamant that Kansas City Chiefs’ backup quarterback Brodie Croyle should be named starter immediately.

Stewart made his feelings about Croyle known at a Chiefs watch party during Kansas City’s game against Indianapolis. It was also the first party he attended with his once-again girlfriend Cheryl Matta, who Stewart dumped two years ago after a six month turbulent relationship culminated with Matta cutting the brakes on his 1986 Buick Skylark.

“Matt Cassel sucks and he needs to be cut now,” Stewart said, as Matta hung on his arm, continually asking why Stewart doesn’t love her more. “Brody is cut out to be an NFL starter. Matt Cassel can’t throw the ball more than 15 feet. This is Rich Gannon and Elvis Grbac all over again. As long as Brody stays healthy, he’s a top 10 QB in this league.”

Stewart’s friends disagreed with his comments about Croyle. And with his decision to reunite with a woman who once tried to stab him with an icicle.

“He’s an idiot,” said Stewart’s former roommate Jeff Dunnam, who lived with Stewart during his first go-round with Matta. “She doesn’t have a job, she doesn’t cook or clean anything, she gave him gonorrhea, and I’m pretty sure she was the one who poisoned our hamster. And Brodie Croyle? Are you kidding me? He can’t stay healthy for more than a quarter and he’s never won a game in the NFL. .”

Shortly after this statement, the couple was asked to leave the party when Cheryl punched a fellow girlfriend, threw up on the kitchen floor, then started crying uncontrollably for 15 minutes.

Breaking News: No University of Missouri players arrested this week

2010-10-13T09:00:00.005-05:00

COLUMBIA, Mo. – The University of Missouri athletic department today released a report highlighting the exemplary behavior its student athletes have displayed during the past four days. For the first time in what feels like forever, not a single University of Missouri athlete was arrested or accused of a crime during the first three days of the week.

Missouri players have run into legal trouble at least six times in the last few months, including a high profile arrest of former captain and player Derrick Washington, who has been charged with felony sexual assault and domestic violence. Washington has since been kicked off the team.

A press release went out to all local and national media with a statement from Missouri head football coach Gary Pinkel.

“I couldn’t be happier that we finally managed to almost go an entire week without me getting a call about one of my guys needing bail money,” said Pinkel. “I think this shows that the messages we’ve been preaching from day one are finally getting through to our team. It only took five or six guys getting arrested.”

Chiefs' Smith declares he’s not a dirty pervert

2010-10-12T16:20:00.001-05:00

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Chiefs defensive lineman Shaun Smith wants the world to know: He’s not only concerned with sacking the quarterback and stopping the run, he’s also on a mission to snuff out testicular cancer everywhere.

Smith, dubbed the Genital Giant, has been accused twice this season of grabbing at an offensive lineman’s genitals during game play this season. Anthony Davis of the San Francisco 49ers and Alex Mack of the Cleveland Browns both claimed foul play against Smith, who was caught on tape appearing to grab Mack below the belt.

However, Smith says it’s all one big misunderstanding and that he’s actually trying to do a service in the NFL.

“We’re proud men here and we don’t think anything can happen, but testicular cancer is nothing to laugh at,” said Smith, who has no family history of testicular cancer nor has he ever actually met anyone affected by it. “Most guys are too embarrassed or proud to check themselves, but I’m not too proud. And if it means grabbing the junk of every offensive lineman I go up against, that’s what I’m going to do. Hell, I usually check myself out two or three times after games, just to make sure.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said there is no place in the NFL for unauthorized grabbing and that significant punishment may be handed down if the accusations are proven true.

“We don’t tolerate that kind of nonsense in the NFL. Testicular cancer? Is that even real? That sounds an awful lot like prostate cancer. Those are dude things, and we don’t promote any kind of awareness about dude diseases,” said Goodell. “This is breast cancer awareness month. That’s something that needs awareness. The men should be smart enough to figure out their own business by themselves.”

Turner Gill makes a change in travel arrangements, makes players change rooms

2010-10-12T16:16:00.001-05:00

LAWRENCE, Kan. – After taking away cell phones from his players and prohibiting any interaction with females after 10 p.m. the night before a game, University of Kansas head football coach Turner Gill is trying a few new tricks to help get the Jayhawks on the right track.

Starting with this week’s game against K-State, anytime the Jayhawks ride the bus they’ll ride as an offensive unit and a defensive unit. Also, Gill has ordered several of his players to change dorm rooms to ensure that each room contains one black player and one white player.

The move sparked controversy among the players and the media, but Gill is hoping it’ll help spark a sense of team unity, which he believes is the only thing keeping them from winning. He said he's heard of these things working before and is hoping to duplicate the success for his team. He also said he will not be deterred from his tactics.

“I don't scratch my head unless it itches and I don't dance unless I hear some music. I will not be intimidated. That's just the way it is,” said Gill.

In addition, Gill has instituted a new disciplinary policy, ordering his players to run a mile any time they make a mistake. After dropping two passes during the Jayhawks loss to Baylor, wide receiver Johnathan Wilson was ordered to run two miles.

“Petey, do you know how many feet are in a mile,” Gill asked Wilson, who responded by stating his name isn’t Petey. “5,280 feet! You pick this ball up and run every one of them! You're killing me, Petey! You're killing me!”

True Chiefs fan secretly hates Chiefs’ success

2010-10-12T16:05:00.001-05:00

KRIKSVILLE, Mo. – With the Kansas City Chiefs off to their best start in years, the Kansas City area is starting to show signs of pride in its football team once again. For most residents, it’s an opportunity to wear red, talk football around the water cooler and hang flags from their houses and car antennas.

But not everyone is celebrating the Chiefs’ success. Self-proclaimed “true Chiefs fan” Allan Gast is disappointed with the reaction he’s seeing.

“Where were all these people last year?” said Gast, 41, a sandwich artist at Subway. “Where was the love and support when the Chiefs were down? That’s when the real fans are around. Not these asshole bandwagon fans who couldn’t name five players off of the 2008 team.”

Gast says he now demonstrates his true loyalty by refusing to wear any Chiefs merchandise and staying out of discussions about the Chiefs with his friends or customers. Even his coworkers, who have taken to wearing red on Fridays this season, say Gast is standoffish and almost confrontational when they start talking about Kansas City football.

“After that Monday night game a few of us were talking about Dexter’s return for a touchdown when Allan walked up and got pissed,” said Jay Terry, a fellow sandwich artist. “He started asking if we knew the last Chiefs player to score a special touchdown. When we couldn’t answer, he screamed we didn’t deserve to be Chiefs fans. Then refused to talk to us the rest of the day.”

Gast, who doesn’t own season tickets, has attended every game during the last five seasons by purchasing heavily discounted tickets off third-party websites, or simply showing up around game time and receiving free tickets from people looking to get rid of them. This season, however, he’s found it difficult to grab tickets at below face value.

“Where were these people in 08 when we lost 14 games? Where were they when we were getting destroyed week after week? Because I was here; supporting the team like a real fan and getting into the game for nearly free,” said Gast, as his face turned beat red and voice cracked. “To be honest with you, real Chiefs’ fans like me are happier when the team is losing.”

Moore giddy about Braves’ post season win

2010-10-12T13:05:00.001-05:00

ATLANTA – Despite the Atlanta Braves first-round elimination from the MLB playoffs, Kansas City Royals General Manager Dayton Moore remained all smiles as he spoke about the Braves lone post season win.

Moore, a former assistant GM in the Atlanta Braves organization, sent outfielder Rick Ankiel and reliever Kyle Farnsworth to the Braves earlier this season in exchange for a few prospects. Both Ankiel and Farnsworth played big roles in the Braves victory, which at the time evened their series with San Francisco at 1-1.

Farnsworth got out of a late-inning bases-loaded jam by inducing a double play, and Ankiel hit what turned out to be the game-winning home run.

“Did you see the way Rick crushed that ball? That’s why we signed him, because he could do that,” Moore gushed to the FedEx delivery guy who had just showed up to pick up a package. “And Farnsy, boy did we get killed by fans and the press on that guy. But I think he just showed his value by getting out of that jam. That one win had to worth $9 million to Braves fans, and Royals fans should be proud of that.”

Moore also said the performances of the former Royals gives him confidence heading into the off season.

“I’m super excited for the free agency period to get here. I can’t wait until next October, when I’m watching former Royal Jeff Francoeur hit a walk off homer for the Angels.”

Kansas State fans angrily donate 200 coats to homeless shelter

2010-01-13T09:07:00.000-06:00

MANHATTAN – Fans of the Kansas State Wildcat basketball team angrily donated more than 200 coats and other articles of winter clothing before the Wildcats win over Texas A&M on Tuesday. The donations came as part of a clothing drive at Bramlage Coliseum for the homeless in and around the college town.

Dozens upon dozens of fans poured through the donation line with coats, hats, scarves and gloves, and nearly all were scowl-faced and grumbling about the referees, the media, the Kansas Jayhawks, or some other perceived slight against their school.

One fan, Douglas Haake, went so far as to bring a Kansas State Wildcat winter coat and a Jayhawk scarf. After placing the coat in the donation basket, he proceeded to pull out a lighter and set flame to the Jayhawk scarf, causing a huge uproar of cheers from the surrounding crowd.

“Knowing there are homeless people in Manhattan makes me so angry,” said Haake, gritting his teeth . “But I’m pretty sure anyone living in Manhattan would rather freeze to death than wear a gay Jayhawk scarf.”

Linda Goodman, who runs the homeless shelter in Manhattan expressed her gratitude to the students and fans at Kansas State, but was also appalled at the overwhelming sense of anger and frustration in the fans.

“Don’t get me wrong, this is a wonderful blessing and will help many survive the bitter cold nights this winter, but my goodness, some of those fans were really mean,” said Goodman. “One said he’d only donate if I could guarantee him it wouldn’t go to ‘the blind, brainless, nutless zebra who’s trying to screw the Wildcats on the court.’”

Pioli’s plan just missing a few Hall of Fame pieces

2010-01-12T10:14:00.000-06:00

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Chiefs general manager Scott Pioli took two steps closer to his overall goal of ~~world domination~~ building another Super Bowl team, when he signed former New England offensive coordinator Charlie Weis and defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel to those respective positions with the Chiefs.

Those signings leave Pioli just a few pieces short, namely, a future Hall of Fame head coach, future Hall of Fame quarterback, the entire offensive line and five or six All-Pro players on defense.

During an interview to discuss the new coordinators, Pioli said a Super Bowl was nearly within his grasp.

“I’ve done this one step at a time. Last year, we acquired a kicker who appears to be reliable and we way overpaid a quarterback who has no business starting in the NFL,” said Pioli. “This year, we’ve got our coordinators in place. Now, all we need is for someone to injure Matt Cassel and our back up be an undiscovered future Hall of Famer who will bring this team together in a way no one has ever seen in the history of football. It’s pretty simple when you think about it. Oh, and we need to fire Todd Haley and hire Bill Belichick.”

Frank Martin gets call of support from Charlie Sheen

2010-01-12T09:51:00.000-06:00

MANHATTAN – Kansas State basketball coach Frank Martin today received a call from television star Charlie Sheen, offering words of encouragement to the embattled coach.

Martin, who came under fire this weekend after being caught on tape smacking one of his players, said he’s been inundated with calls of support from coaches, fans and especially celebrities, such as Tom Sizemore, Chris Brown and, of course, Sheen.

Sheen has a history of alleged violence against women, including recent accusations that he held a knife to his wife’s throat and threatened to have her killed. However, he has apparently made amends with his wife, who has requested that the recent restraining order against him be dropped.

“He just said that he understood what I was going through, and that by apologizing, professing my love for Chris (Merrieweather) and promising to never to it again, I was guaranteeing myself a free pass this time, and possibly next time it happens,” said Martin. “It was good to hear from a guy like Charlie, who’s dealt with this sort of thing a lot. I’ve got his number now, so next time it happens I can give him a call first.”

Martin said he’s trying to put the incident behind him, but that he’s flattered so many famous people have reached out. There was one call, however, that Martin decided not to take.

“OJ Simpson called yesterday morning. I let that one go to voicemail.”

Report: Glass instructed Moore to ‘Prove a point’ about spending money

2010-01-12T09:49:00.001-06:00

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Unnamed sources inside the Kansas City Royals organization today revealed the past four seasons have been nothing more than a conspiracy cooked up by Royals’ owner David Glass and General Manager Dayton Moore.

The plan, which including spending money on horrible free agents was put in place to “teach the fans a lesson” that money doesn’t always equal success.

According to the reports, Glass had grown tired of being accused of all of the Royals troubles for his failure to spend any money on free agents during the tenure of former General Manager Allard Baird. After firing Baird, Glass reached out to Moore, promising him the General Manager job, a 100 percent increase in payroll, and a good parking spot, if Moore would promise to continually spend money on horrible free agents.

“People kept saying the Royals would win if (Glass) would just spend the money on free agents,” said a source, who refused to be named for fear of his job. “Mr. Glass took those accusations personally and really wanted to prove that even if he spent money, the Royals were still going to be very bad.”

Since his arrival, Moore has thrown millions of dollars at questionable free agents, even while better, cheaper opportunities were available. Since becoming general manager, he’s overpaid for players such as Jose Guillen, Kyle Farnsworth, Ron Mahay and Yasuhiko Yabuta.

Even his successes have been by accident.

“Dayton gave Gil Meche $55 million. This is an injury-prone pitcher who, in eight years, had only started at least 30 games twice, and was, at best marginal,” said the source. “Meche was supposed to be a disaster, instead, he comes to Kansas City and pitches at his value for two-plus years.”

Thus far, Glass’s plan is working to perfection. The Royals continue to toil at the bottom of the American League, despite an increase in payroll of nearly $25 million. Despite saying he had almost no payroll flexibility this off season, Moore has continued to bring in expensive, sub-par free agents, such as Scott Podsednik and 52-year old Jason Kendall.

“When Mr. Glass decides to prove a point, he doesn’t stop until it’s hammered into everyone’s mind,” said the source. “This is likely to continue until the fans apologize and ask him to stop spending more money.”

Kansas Jayhawks fan telling everyone that was a “good loss”. No. Really.

2010-01-12T09:48:00.001-06:00

SALINA – Junior College student and avid Kansas Jayhawks basketball fan Ryan Hartley spent all day on Monday telling everyone the Jayhawks’ loss to Tennessee was, “good for the team.”

The Jayhawks, who went into Sunday’s game in Knoxville undefeated and ranked No. 1 in the nation, looked sluggish and slow, losing to a Tennessee Volunteers basketball team that was playing with just six scholarship players after an incident caused coach Bruce Pearl to suspend four players.

This came on the heels of a near-disastrous game at home against Cornell last Wednesday, when the Jayhawks needed a herculean-effort from Sherron Collins to avoid one of the worst upsets in the program’s history.

Despite losing to a team that would have had to forfeit a slow-pitch softball game, Hartley said the game would help get the Jayhawks focused for conference.

“Every coach will tell you, you always want to lose a game or two,” said Hartley. “Losses aren’t one step backwards, they’re two steps forward. Losing is a good thing. You don’t want to be ranked No. 1 all season, that’s too much pressure. They’ll focus on what they need to improve on. Or it’ll light a fire under them. Or that test will give them experience in the tournament. I was actually rooting against them, so I was happy to see them lose. Seriously, I lit up a victory cigar. That’s how good of a loss it was. I definitely didn’t skip dinner then cry myself to sleep.”

Hillman spending off season creating folksy nicknames

2009-12-21T15:48:00.000-06:00

LIBERTY HILL, Texas – Kansas City Royals manager Trey Hillman has spent this off season working hard on thinking of ways to integrate new Royals into the roster and making them feel welcome by referring to them by a folksy nickname.

Hillman, known for his pornstar-esque mustache, his inability to stick with a roster, his team’s sub-par fundamentals, and his ability to stick a “y” on the end of everyone’s name, said he works nearly the entire off season to ensure everyone on the team has a nickname.

“Guys like Farnsey, Hosey, Jack, Gordy, Gilly and Davey, the nicknames really let them know they’re part of the team,” said Hillman, who said a bitter argument with Jose Guillen early in his tenure as Royals manager led him to come up with the nickname idea. “When I call Hosey “Hosey”, it lets him know that this is kind of a laid back, relaxed atmosphere, and not a place where he needs to threaten to kill me.”

Hillman’s perception of the success of his nicknames has led him to spend most of his off time thinking about what to call new guys, and if any of the current players need a new nickname.

“When we signed Jason Kendall, you’d think the first thing I would do is look at his stats, look at some film on him and see how we can best use him,” said Hillman. “What I actually did was spend an entire week decided whether to call him Jay-Jay, or Kendy. The stats thing will work itself out down the road.”

Delusional Jayhawk fan mocks Missouri for “only making the Texas bowl”

2009-12-19T13:44:00.000-06:00

BONNER SPRINGS – Delusional Kansas Jayhawk fan Pat Williams spent 15 minutes making fun of his neighbor, Sam Millsboro, the Missouri Tigers and the Tigers spot in the Texas Bowl.

The Missouri Tigers, who went 8-4 this season, will play Navy on December 31st in Dallas. While it’s played in an area where Missouri recruits, and televised on ESPN, the Texas Bowl is commonly reserved for the final Big 12 team selected, something Williams brought up repeatedly.

Despite returning nearly all of their offensive weapons, Kansas did not qualify for a bowl and fired its coach. Still, according to Williams, it’s a much better time to be a Jayhawk fan.

“The Texas Bowl is a joke, it’s barely even a bowl. I’d probably be a little embarrassed if my team accepted an invite to it,” said Williams, wearing a sweatshirt purchased at the Fort Worth Bowl in 2005.

Millsboro, who played football at Missouri, graduating in 1974, said he tries to avoid talking to Williams, but happened to be outside putting up Christmas lights when Williams walked by with his dog.

“He does this a lot. When we first moved in, it bothered me, but now, honestly, I just try to avoid him,” said Millsboro. “I don’t think he went to KU, and he really doesn’t know that much about sports, but I guess it’s better than him asking how my wife and kids are again. My wife and daughter were killed in a car accident two years ago. I’m not sure how he doesn’t remember. He was at the funeral. I remember, because he gave me a hard time about scheduling the service during a KU game.”

Dayton Moore kicked out of his fantasy baseball league

2009-12-19T13:23:00.001-06:00

ATLANTA – Kansas City Royals General Manager Dayton Moore has been kicked out of the fantasy baseball league he’s participated in for the last seven years, according to sources close to the situation.

Moore, who began playing in the Yahoo! rotisserie keeper league, “Brave Brainpower” in 2002, has finished in last place three of the past four seasons, including last year’s debacle when he finished last in home runs, RBIs, runs scored, on-base percentage, walks and OPS.

It appears the decision was made during the winter meetings when Moore’s team, “the Processing Processors” finalized his keepers for the 2010 season, choosing to keep Willie Bloomquist, Willy Tavares, Edgar Renteria and Eric Bynes.

“Dayton isn’t being kicked out, we just decided to trim the league by one member,” said the league’s commissioner, who refused to be named, but goes by the username JShuerBrave. “It’s not that he wasn’t active. He was very active; probably more so than everyone else combined. We just want guys who are going to take this seriously, and not go out of their way to create the worst possible offensive lineup every day.”

Moore said there were no hard feelings and that he already had his hands full running three other fantasy teams.

“The thing they didn’t understand was that I was building something special, the process just hadn’t shown results yet,” said Moore. “But it’s cool, I was already spending a good 10 to 15 hours during the week managing four teams. This should free up some more time to concentrate on those teams.”

New Jersey sports writer just realized Kansas and Kansas State not the same team

2009-12-19T13:22:00.002-06:00

MADISON, NJ – In addition to surprising college basketball fans across the country and becoming one of the early feel-good stories of the season, the Kansas State Wildcat basketball team is helping educate those not familiar with the Midwest.

Frank Legozamo, a sports writer for the New Jersey Standard, a small weekly newspaper, was recently hit with the revelation that there is more than one Division-I university in the state of Kansas. Legozamo said the fact hit him while reading the AP story on the top-25 this week.

“The first two paragraphs were all about Kansas State entering the top-25 for the first time this year, but I was almost positive Kansas was ranked No. 1 from the start,” said Legozamo. “I was in the middle of writing an e-mail to the AP writer when I looked up Kansas’ record. That’s when it hit me that there was a difference between Kansas and Kansas State. I just figured it was like Memphis.”

Legozamo said he doesn’t spend much time writing, watching or thinking about any of the “worthless fly over states”. He said he vaguely remembers seeing a Kansas State football game early in the decade, but figured the football team wore purple and the basketball team wore red and blue.

“Look, pretty much anything west of Philly may as well all be the same state,” said Legozamo. “Who would have thought a small state like Kansas would have enough people to fill two D-I universities. I guess it works if you put one in Kansas City and one in Wichita.”

K-State fans burn down announcers home, urinates on ashes

2009-12-19T13:22:00.000-06:00

SHAWNEE – ESPN Announcer Dave Armstrong was horrified to find that his Shawnee house had been burned to the ground, and the ashes had been urinated upon by the arsonists.

Kansas State fans Richard Willis and Timothy Holt were arrested last Thursday night after evidence left at the house traced back to them. According to police reports, Willis and Holt were upset that Armstrong had mistakenly referred to a statue of Ernie Barrett as Fred Bramladge.

“I’m sure he knew who the statue was, but it was obvious that he just hates K-State and does everything in his power to make sure we look bad,” said Willis. “And if it was just a mistake, then he’s too stupid to be on tv anyway. Seriously, do some research on the team you’re covering. If all you know are the coaches, the players, the statistics, and college facts, then you’re a total fucking idiot who needs to be taught a lesson.”

Holt said burning down the house was the backup plan after their initial plan fell through.

“At first, we were just going to start an e-mail campaign to get him fired, but we thought that might be a little too harsh,” said Holt. “I know losing a house is tough, but he needed to learn a lesson that you don’t mess up facts about K-State. Or we will destroy you. Maybe next time Dave won’t show a complete and total bias against K-State.”

Armstrong, a professional of nearly 20 years who regularly calls games for the Big 12, the NFL among others said he thought the retribution was harsh, but it’s what’s to be expected when calling a K-State game.

“You come to expect that with Wildcat fans. But I should have known better than to make that mistake,” said Armstrong. “I do wish they hadn’t burnt down my house though. We had all our Christmas presents already wrapped. I mean, WOW, that’s going to be a lot of extra shopping.”

Guy who drafted all Chiefs still looking for first win

2009-11-18T19:58:00.000-06:00

MOBERLY, Mo. – The Kansas City Chiefs may have won their second game of the season, but it was no consolation to Steven Valdenrammer, who saw his fantasy football team, the “Valden’s Rammers” drop to 0-10 on the season.

This week, Valdenrammer lost to the “Team McMannis”, run by Katie McMannis, girlfriend of Tim Schroder. “Team McMannis”, missing three starters because Katie hasn’t checked her team in three weeks, managed to crush Valdenrammer’s squad 61-44. It was McMannis’ first win of the season and Valdenrammer’s second highest scoring total of the year.

“We brought Katie in because we needed an extra person. She doesn’t even watch football,” said Schroder. “When I told her she won, she had forgotten all about the league.”

Valdenrammer, whose draft strategy consists of drafting as many Chiefs players as possible, has not won a fantasy league game in nearly two years, dating back to week four of 2008, when Larry Johnson’s two-touchdown performance helped push him to a 71-64 win over the “Wee Man Giants”, who had three guys on a bye week.

This season, Valdenrammer used his first round pick on Dwayne Bowe, his second on Matt Cassel and third on Larry Johnson. From there, he selected Chiefs at random, filling up his roster. Unfortunately, he was unaware the Chiefs had let go of Conner Barth, so he failed to draft kicker Ryan Succop. Because of his “Chiefs’ only” policy, he’s played this season without a kicker.

“It’s frustrating, but what are you going to do? This strategy worked wonders for me a few years ago,” said Valdenrammer, who pays $50 to gain entrance to the league. “Back in the days of Trent Green, Tony Gonzalez, Priest Holmes and a Hall of Fame offensive line, an all-Chiefs roster was unstoppable. They’ll get back to that point soon. Right?”

Ron Prince really hoping KU looking for “Bold and Daring” head coach

2009-11-18T19:55:00.000-06:00

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. – Former Kansas State head football coach Ron Prince admitted he is quietly hoping the University of Kansas will be searching for a “bold and daring” head coach if the Jayhawks fire Mark Mangino, according to sources close to the situation.

Prince, currently working as the special teams coach at the University of Virginia, was a virtual unknown when he was hired by Kansas State to replace Bill Snyder after Snyder’s sudden retirement in 2005.

Despite leading the Wildcats to a bowl game his first season, and scoring two upset victories over Texas, Prince quickly found himself under fire from Kansas State fans and donors, who didn’t care for his dictatorship-like tactics, his underwhelming recruiting, or the fact that he went 0-9 against Kansas, Missouri and Nebraska. Attempting fake punts from inside his own 30 didn’t go over well either.

The source, who refused to be named, said Prince was touting his resume, which included a bowl appearance, two wins over a nationally ranked program, a first-round draft pick quarterback, and a coaching tree that includes an NFL head coach.

“He was pretty adamant that the losses weren’t his fault, most of those were because of the players,” said the source. “I mean, the Texas wins, those were all him. And those great special teams, he was the one who helped mold those. But the losses, I mean, the coach can’t be everywhere at once.”

According to the source, in addition to looking for someone “bold and daring”, Prince is also hoping Kansas Athletic Director Lew Perkins is looking for a leader who will, “coach smart, not scared.”

KU’s “Waving the wheat” a stupid tradition, says guy wearing corn on his head

2009-11-12T22:09:00.000-06:00

OSBORN – High school student and Nebraska fan Tommy Harold described the “waving the wheat” tradition among University of Kansas students as “stupid” last Saturday during the Huskers’ 10-3 win over Oklahoma.

For years, the Jayhawk fans have celebrated touchdowns by raising their arms above their head and moving them side to side, as if to give the impression of Kansas wheat, waving in the wind.

Harold, wearing one of those giant yellow hats in the shape of a corn stalk, said the Jayhawk fans looked ridiculous when performing the waving action.

“What a bunch of ‘tards man,” said Harold, who, no kidding, has two separate corn hats, one for home games and one for watching tv while sitting on the couch. “Ooooo. Waving wheat. Because wheat grows in Kansas. How ingenious. Don’t they realize how stupid that makes them look?”

810 insiders: Kevin Kietzman kind of a whiney bitch

2009-11-10T15:04:00.000-06:00

LEAWOOD – In a surprise to no one, reports are coming out of the 810 WHB studios that Kevin Ketizman, part owner of the radio station and host of the drive time show “Between the Lines” is a whiney bitch about pretty much everything.

While Kietzman is never at a loss for pissing and moaning about something insignificant, his latest tantrum occurred Monday, when he attacked his own radio station for ignoring the Kansas State Wildcats and their rise as the only non-horrible football team in the Big 12 North.

“He called an all-hands meeting among the hosts and demanded they all start talking about K-State. He was pretty upset. His voice kept cracking and I’m pretty sure he was fighting back tears,” said one intern who said most people were unfazed by the outburst. “This happens about once a month.”

Multiple insiders at the WHB studios said Kietzman may be best served by scaling back his show by a few hours to allow time for an afternoon nap.

“You remember when your kid was four years old, and he’d stayed up way too late the night before but got up at his usual time, and now it’s 4:30 in the afternoon and you’re in the grocery store and he’s screaming the top of his lungs and throwing things out of your cart?” said an 810 executive who refused to be named. “Kevin Kietzman is that four year old. Only with an ego the size of Texas.”

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaa,” said Kietzman, when reached for comment. “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”

Petition pointless, Larry Johnson unlikely to gain another 75 yards anyway

2009-11-05T10:38:00.000-06:00

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – NFL experts and fantasy football team owners around the United States are chuckling at the petition floating around Kansas City, which asks the Chiefs’ staff to keep running back Larry Johnson from breaking the franchinse rushing record.

Johnson, who was suspended a week ago for using a gay slur and apparently questioning head coach Todd Haley’s credibility on Twitter, is just 73 yards away from tying Priest Holmes’ franchise rushing record of 5,933 yards.

Recently, three Chiefs fans started an online petition asking the front office and coaching staff to ensure Johnson does not get the opportunity to break the record. The petition has garnered nationwide publicity and has nearly 10,000 signatures.

Those who really follow football, however, say the petition is a useless gesture, mostly because there’s no way in hell Johnson will run for 74 more yards this season, even if he starts every remaining game.

Johnson is averaging 2.7 yards per carry this season and has zero touchdowns. If he keeps up the YPC average, he’d need around 30 carries to break Holmes’ mark and cement himself into Chiefs’ history. According to NFL insider Hal Nickenbockel, this whole process is a waste of time, because at this point Johnson can barely carry groceries three yards without falling down.

“You don’t need a petition to stop Larry Johnson, all it takes is about two and a half yards and footsteps,” said Nickenbockel. “Four years ago, Larry Johnson was running behind a Hall of Fame offensive line. Hell, Steve Bono could have started at running back and gained 1,000 yards behind that line. Those days are long gone. At this point, Johnson is falling down when he watches football on his big screen HDTV.”

Nearly everyone who has drafted Larry Johnson in fantasy football the past two seasons are also confused as to why a petition is necessary. Johnson, a former first-round lock, is now available in most every league, mostly because he sucks balls at football.

“I appreciate what the protesters are trying to accomplish, but to me, it doesn’t make much sense to go to all that work when it’s almost completely obvious there’s no way in hell “Lay-Down” Larry hits that mark this year,” said Troy Robinisky, a fantasy football player who has drafted Johnson the past four seasons. “He’s got, what, 9 games to gain 75 yards? Basically, he has to get slightly more than nine yards per game. Never gonna happen.”

Scott Pioli still wearing Darth Vader costume

2009-11-04T18:37:00.000-06:00

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Members of the Kansas City Chiefs organization are starting to question why Chiefs’ General Manager, Scott Pioli, continues to wear his Halloween costume.

Pioli, who dressed up as Darth Vader from Star Wars for Halloween, continues to show up to his office in full gear, doing his best to stay in character at all times. He initially wore the costume the Friday before Halloween, drawing chuckles from Chiefs’ employees who said his real life personality mirrored closely with the former Anikin Skywalker.

However, Chiefs’ employees are confused as to why Pioli has worn the costume to the office the past three days.

“Maybe he just wants to get his money’s worth,” said Jeff Traber, who works in the season ticket sales group at Arrowhead. “It doesn’t look like a cheap, plastic costume. It looks like Mr. Pioli spent a lot of money on that thing.”

Some staffers say it’s not just the costume that bothers them, but the way Pioli has been acting while wearing the Vader helmet. He continuously makes demands while waving his hand in the air, as if trying to perform the famed “Jedi Mind Trick.”

His actions aren’t limited to the staffers either. Pioli kept his costume on during a meeting with Chiefs veteran lineman Brian Waters, leading to an odd action when the discussion became heated.

“We were yelling at each other about my role as a leader, and he suddenly yelled, ‘You have failed me for the last time!’ and put his hand up, as if he was choking the air,” said Waters. “I’m not sure what he thought was going to happen, or if he thought I was going to fall over dead, but I’m pretty sure that helmet is cutting off the circulation to his brain.”

The first-year GM has also been responding to media questions with odd, cryptic responses, keeping in character with the evil Sith Lord.

“I find your lack of faith disturbing,” replied Pioli when asked about the Chiefs chances to finish out of the AFC West cellar.

“He’s saying that kind of shit all the time now. It’s not only kind of creepy, but most of it doesn’t make much sense,” said Ron Goreman, a media relations intern. “Mr. Hunt walked into a room the other day, and Pioli gets down on one knee and says, ‘What is thy bidding, my master?’ How ’bout win a goddamn game. Make that your bidding. Make winning your bidding. Not dressing up in a freaking costume.”

While Chiefs’ head of PR Bob Moore calls the costume, “a harmless motivational tool for employees,” most of the Chiefs staff would appreciate Pioli returning to his usual, assholish self, without the costume.

Seriously, why the hell does he still have that thing on?” asked Jenny Turner, a Marketing Assistant for the Chiefs. “I dressed up as a slutty teacher for Halloween, but there’s no way they’d allow me to continue wearing that costume into the office. Unless, you know, Len Dawson gets his way.”

Mangino accused of kicking Reesing’s puppy, defecating in his bedroom

2009-11-02T16:21:00.000-06:00

LAWRENCE – Nearly three weeks after discussing his intention to actively promote his senior quarterback for the Heisman Award, University of Kansas coach Mark Mangino benched Todd Reesing during the Jayhawks’ loss to Texas Tech on Saturday in Lubbock.

To ensure Reesing got the message his coach was unsatisfied with his performance, Mangino visited Reesing’s apartment on Sunday and proceeded to allegedly kick the quarterback’s dog, Princess, and take a giant dump on the floor of the QB’s room.

“It came out of nowhere,” said Reesing’s roommate Jake Tranlett, who answered the coach’s knocking at around 8:15 a.m. Sunday. “I open the door and Coach Mangino storms through, kicking the dog on his way to Todd’s room. I mean, Todd woke up to the sight of a gigantic man doing his morning business right in the middle of his floor.”

Just three weeks prior, the Jayhawks were flying high at 6-0, and coming off a win against Iowa State when Mangino said he would actively campaign Reesing for the Heisman. However, KU has recently collapsed, with losses to Colorado, Oklahoma and the Red Raiders, to put Kansas at 1-3 in the Big 12, making every remaining game a seemingly “must-win” if the Jayhawks are to have any shot at the Big 12 North.

Mangino’s visit left Princess, a yorkie-poo, shaken up but unharmed. It was the mess in Reesing’s room that caused the biggest trouble.

“That was disgusting,” said Tranlett, who started gagging while discussing the incident. “It was just – oh my god, that was gross.”

Mangino said he simply wanted to send a message the his star quarterback, who has helped lead Kansas to three bowl wins and pushed KU into NCAA football relevance for perhaps the first time ever, needed to step up his play.

“Todd hasn’t played as well as he’s capable of, and I think he knows that. But I just wanted to make sure he got the message that I’m not pleased,” said Mangino, who said he’s done promoting Reesing for the Heisman, but continues to put in a good word elsewhere. “I still think he’ll make an excellent hobbit.”

Matt Cassel behind Larry Johnson’s “Twittergate”

2009-11-02T16:16:00.000-06:00

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel was on the phone with running back Larry Johnson the evening that Johnson went on a Twitter tirade against Chiefs coach Todd Haley, prompting a two-week suspension and non-stop media scrutiny, sources reported Monday.

Confronted with phone records confirming that the two had spoke, Johnson broke down, confessing it was at Cassel’s urging that he spouted off about Haley after the two spoke following the Chiefs’ loss to San Diego. According to Johnson, Cassel spoke with Chiefs’ running back after the loss, hinting at the lack of credibility of the Chiefs’ coach, Todd Haley.

“He called me up, and just started venting about the game. At first, he didn’t come right out and tell me to say anything, he just started saying stuff as we got dressed, like, ‘That dude Haley’s kind of a pain in the ass, isn’t he? But I guess you learn a lot about football on a golf course,’” Johnson said. “Then, he was like, ‘Larry, you’re the leader of this offense. Guys respect you. I’m not saying we need to call a press conference, but damn, someone should call him out on this bs. Plus, isn’t your dad a coach?’ He just kept saying stuff like that over and over. I’m an emotional guy after a loss. He got to me.”

Johnson’s confession confirms what one high-ranking Chiefs official had speculated about, that Cassel, whom came to the Chiefs from the New England Patriots via trade during the off-season, encouraged, then demanded, that Johnson make outlandish statements, thus taking the focus off the Chiefs QB.

“For as awful of a year that (Cassel)’s had, it makes sense he’d want to keep the attention off of him,” said one Chiefs executive, who refused to be named for fear of losing his job. “We’re 1-6 right now, and have shown almost no hope of improving. At the beginning, people were blaming the offensive line, but the guy signed a $63 million contract this year. How long before he’s held accountable for his performance?”

Cassel has started six games for the Chiefs, compiling eight touchdowns with five interceptions and 994 yards. He leads an offense that is last in the NFL in total yards, last in the NFL in passing yards and third to last in scoring. Yet, thus far, much of the blame has been directed at the offensive line or a sub par group of receivers. However, in the Chiefs last game, against San Diego, Cassel completed 10 of 25 passes for 95 yards, three interceptions and a touchdown, and grumblings about his performance started to surface.

“The guy has been really, really bad,” the Chiefs’ executive said. “But I guess he studied public relations at USC, because all anyone can talk about is ‘Larry the nut job.’ Matt continues to get away with a quarterback rating of 73, and $60 million.”

Misleading poll: Excitement about Kansas City Wizards has never been higher

2009-11-02T16:14:00.000-06:00

LEAVENWORTH – A recent poll of 10,000 local residents conducted by an independent researcher suggests the support for the Kansas City Wizards has never been higher.

The poll, commissioned by the Leavenworth Visitors’ Bureau, showed that nearly six percent of residents in the Kansas City metro and suburban area consider themselves “fans of the Wizards.” That number topples the previous high of four percent, which was recorded in 2000, shortly after the Wizards’ MLS Cup championship.

“I think this just shows that professional soccer is really coming around in Kansas City,” said Kip Scarborough, President of the Kansas City Wizards fan club. “If you had a group of 100 KC residents a few years ago, maybe three of them would claim to be Wizards fans. Now, that’s up to six. Six hundred people in the area consider themselves fans. I think we’re about to call check and mate to all those who doubted us.”

The poll wasn’t all good news. Just 17 people could name even a single player on the Wizards. Not 17 percent of people, but just 17 people out of 10,000 knew the name of at least one player on the team. That’s 0.17 percent.

Still, Scarborough said it was only a matter of time before soccer outpaced football and baseball as Kansas City’s premier sporting choice.

“You can see the enthusiasm in our fan club, which, for a few days, topped 50 people, before that slut Tammy Klein quit because she couldn’t pay dues,” said Scarborough. “And our message board is blowing up. Do you know we’ve had six new threads started since the beginning of September? Even taking out the two of them that turned out to be spam, and that’s still a record for us. Get on the bandwagon now Kansas City, before it’s filled up.”

Guy who plays Turk on Scrubs applies for Offensive Coordinator job with Chiefs

2009-10-27T15:25:00.000-05:00

LOS ANGELES – Donald Faison, a television actor most well known for his role as Christopher Turk on the ABC semi-hit comedy Scrubs has applied for the job as the Chiefs Offensive Coordinator, citing his experience playing for Denzel Washington, who played Herman Boone, the head coach on Remember the Titans.

Faison, who played the back-up running back, turned defensive back star with a bad attitude, Petey, did not play football in high school, but he said just hanging around the guy who played the guy on Remember the Titans should be good enough to earn himself a job with the Chiefs.

“Oh yeah, I learned tons of stuff,” said Faison, who is actually more of a basketball fan, but thought this was a good opportunity if (when) Scrubs gets canceled this year. “I didn’t actually talk to coach Boone directly, and, technically, I didn’t talk to Denzel either, that guy is kind of a dick. But I did spend some time with the technical consultants, who taught me how to back pedal as a defensive back, and how to look convincing as I fumbled the ball.”

Todd Haley, head coach and current offensive coordinator for the Kansas City Chiefs, said that even though Faison’s acting in Remember the Titans means he’s spent more time on the field as a player than Haley, it doesn’t qualify him to coach the Chiefs’ offense.

“Come on guys, what’s he going to teach us? How to fumble the ball effectively and quit on the team?” asked Haley. “Have you not been watching this season? We’re already pretty good at both of those things.”

Larry Johnson could not be reached for comment.

Johnson apologies for Twitter outburst, slur, blames Gossip Girl

2009-10-27T14:48:00.000-05:00

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson apologized Tuesday for his use erratic postings on Twitter, one of which used a gay slur and some that appeared to attack Chiefs’ coach Todd Haley.

Johnson, a two-time Pro Bowl back, said in his apology that after the Chiefs’ loss to the San Diego Chargers on Sunday, he tried to unwind by watching his favorite show – Gossip Girl – and was upset about the newest wrinkle in Chuck and Blair’s relationship.

“I apologize to Mr. Hunt, the Chiefs organization and my fans,” Johnson said. “I never should have used the language I did. We were coming off a loss, it’s been a horrible season for me, and I had, literally, just watched Chuck kiss another dude. I mean, seriously, why can’t those two kids just be happy together. Why must it always be something?”

Late Sunday evening, Johnson posted a series of messages on his Twitter account, including: “My father played for the coach from 'rememeber the titans'. Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn."

Johnson also used a gay slur, describing someone’s Twitter photo as a “fag pic.” According to the Kansas City Star, when approached by reporters on Monday, Johnson declared that he would not be speaking to the media, and then stated they should “get your faggot ass out of here.”

During his statement Tuesday, Johnson said he was in a bad emotional state and released his frustrations inappropriately and at the wrong people. He had been unable to watch the show when it originally aired because of a busy practice schedule and, after watching it Sunday evening, was overcome with emotion that lasted through Monday.

“They (Gossip Girl couple) had been playing with fire, and it finally caught up with them. I thought Blair was just clowning, but she actually let him kiss a guy. She just watched it happen without stopping it, that’s messed up,” said Johnson. “Then I find out it wasn’t the first time Chuck had kissed a dude. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I mean you watch a show religiously for three years, and then you find out something like this. I just snapped. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t use gay slurs. I mean, Chuck might be gay and he’s my favorite tv character of all time. Or is he bi? I’m a little confused right now.”

Johnson went on to say he’d accept the Chiefs’ request to stay away from team activities as they look into the incident.

“I’m cool with it. It will give me time to find a new show,” said Johnson. “After this whole episode ordeal, I’m thinking I may need a new favorite show anyway. I just rented Season 1 of Glee, so maybe this free time can be put to good use.”

K-State fan one win away from being totally insufferable

2009-10-27T14:43:00.000-05:00

DESOTO – Friends of Jeremy Landers, a diehard fan of Kansas State University, say the 24-year-old pizza delivery driver is bordering on becoming totally unbearable.

Landers, who grew up a diehard Kansas State fan, has recently become more vocal about the Wildcats and their spot in the Big 12 and the national college football scene. With Kansas State on a two-game winning streak, and in first place in the Big 12 north, K-State football is all Landers can talk about.

“Two weeks ago, he was just a normal guy, but now, Christ, he won’t shut the fuck up about Kansas State and Bill Snyder,” said John Handley, a friend of Landers. “I think he’s spent the last three days figuring out the schedule of every Big 12 North team and predicting each game, describing exactly how K-State is going to win the division. It’d be fine if it was just once, but I swear he does this every 15 minutes. It’s like he’s on fucking repeat.”

In week six of the college football season, the Wildcats were blown out by Texas Tech, 66-14, dropping K-State to 3-3, with two of those wins against Division-IAA teams. Since that time, however, the ‘Cats have won back to back games against Colorado and Texas A&M, putting them at 5-3 overall, and in first place in the North.

“Two weeks ago, that guy stood no less than two feet from me and declared K-State was a basketball school, and then spent 20 minutes talking about KU and K-State’s basketball record before 1988, and that 20 years does not make a historic program,” said Handley. “Now, just 14 days later, all he can talk about is K-State’s football record since 1990 and how they’re nationally known as one of the top programs in college football.”

If the Wildcats can win their next game, against Oklahoma, friends say they may have to stop hanging out with Landers again. Ironically, it was K-State’s last win over Oklahoma that prompted them to “take a break” from hanging out with their friend.

“I was at K-State with Jeremy at the time, and even I got sick of hearing about it,” said Clive Rogers, an accountant, who said their group of friends decided not to hang out with Landers during the 2003 Christmas break. “We didn’t actually freeze him out, we just hung out a few times and didn’t call him. We just needed a few “football free” weeks. You have to understand, that was the culmination of almost seven years of non-stop K-State bragging. It was awful. Still, he’s only half as irritating as most KU fans I know.”

Pinkel gets stuck in paper bag, fails to coach his way out

2009-10-21T10:23:00.000-05:00

COLUMBIA – University of Missouri head coach Gary Pinkel’s worst fears were realized on Tuesday when he accidentally placed a brown paper bag over his head and had no idea how to coach it off.

Pinkel, 57, had placed the empty paper bag on top of the refrigerator to clear space. When he absent-mindedly went to retrieve it, the bag fell, landing on his head. He immediately called for help from his assistant coaches, but with no one around, Pinkel was forced to find his own way out of the bag.

“I tried every coaching trick I could think of to get out of that bag but nothing worked,” said Pinkel. “That took about 45 seconds. After that, I just stopped doing anything and hoped my players would show up to help me.”

After four hours, Missouri football players Blaine Gabbert and Danario Alexander arrived at Pinkel’s house and bailed him out by removing the bag from his head.

“Coach is an awesome guy, and he really knows how to find great talent, but everyone has their struggles, and I guess those paper bags can be tricky,” said Gabbert. “I just feel fortunate we showed up to keep him from being stuck there all night.”

Pinkel, who has led the Tigers to a 63-43 record in eight plus years at Missouri, could have been out of the bag in just 20 minutes, when former quarterback Brad Smith made a surprise visit at the coach’s house. Pinkel, however, spent that time screaming at Smith about his need to become a drop-back quarterback, despite the fact that Smith is currently in more of a flex role with the New York Jets.

“In retrospect, I probably should have just let Brad do what was most natural for him, which was to remove the paper bag from my head,” said Pinkel. “But in the moment, I felt like I needed to team him that lesson.”

Dayton Moore really wishes you weren’t so f-ing stupid

2009-10-21T10:20:00.000-05:00

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Royals General Manager Dayton Moore really wishes you weren’t so f-ing stupid, according to a statement released by the Royals today.

Moore, who served as the Royals’ GM since 2004, points his finger at the fans of the Kansas City Royals as part of the problem, calling the faithful “True Blue” supporters, “a bunch of goddamn retards who wouldn’t know a true baseball player if he walked up and spit tobacco juice all over their feet.”

The statement appears to be a response to criticism directed at Moore and Kansas City manager Trey Hillman as the Royals completely fell apart after May, and stumbled to 97 losses.

“How many times to I have to explain this goddamn process to idiots,” Moore said in his statement. “It’s a process, and it’s a process that we’re proud of. Did you not see the first month, when we were in first place? That’s part of the process too. Why can’t you numb nuts focus on that?”

Some of the criticism began before the season even started, when Moore was questioned on his acquisitions of players like Kyle Farnsworth, Mike Jacobs and Willie Bloomquist, and was heightened when he later traded for Yuniesky Betancourt.

Jacobs, Bloomquist and Betancourt are all notorious for an inability to get on base, and none are even average defensively. And as a reliever, Farnsworth has struggled in nearly every pressure opportunity throughout his baseball career.

Farnsworth turned out to be a disaster and all of three of the above position players were at the bottom of the league in on-base plus slugging percentage. In fact, just six Royals finished the season with an OPS above .750 – seven if you count pitcher Bruce Chen and his two plate appearances – and three of those players were catchers. Still, Moore says it’s the fans who need to adjust their way of thinking.

“No one outside of this organization can fully understand what we’re trying to do, because you all, yes, even you reading this article, are too dumb to comprehend how difficult it is to run a team,” said Moore. “It’s not about reading numbers, or listening to successful trends, or being on base a lot, or relying on stats that tell you the middle of your infield might be the worst in modern history. No. It’s about finding guys who are grinders. And it’s about finding guys who aren’t afraid to swing at a pitch in the dirt just because they probably won’t hit it. Or guys who hike their socks up to their mid-calf, thus giving the impression they’re good defenders. But no one in Kansas City would understand that. Because you’re all a bunch of fucking morons.”

Mangino actively campaigning Reesing for Heisman, spot in upcoming hobbit movie

2009-10-15T11:45:00.000-05:00

LAWRENCE – University of Kansas football coach Mark Mangino spent 20 minutes Wednesday extolling the play of his quarterback, Todd Reesing, in hopes that it will help Reesing in his quest for the Heisman Trophy. Mangino then spent 15 minutes with a direct plea to Peter Jackson to cast the pint-sized Jayhawk in the upcoming movie, The Hobbit.

The extended discussion was out of character for Mangino, who rarely campaigns for individual awards for his players. But on Wednesday, the Kansas coach said Reesing is a special player and a tiny person, and he deserves acclaim for both.

“You name me one quarterback who makes as many plays at Todd Reesing, just one. You can’t do it. The kid is a playmaker,” said Mangino during his teleconference with Big 12 reporters. “Also, look at his size. He’d make the perfect hobbit. And his feet - those little, hairy, disgusting feet - you name me one other person in America who have perfect hobbit feet. You can’t do it. The kid is a hobbit. He’s a playmaking hobbit.”

Reesing has been the driving force behind KU’s recent success in his three years as quarterback of the Jayhawks. He’s two bowl games, including the 2008 BCS Orange Bowl, and has set a multitude of quarterback records at Kansas. So far this season, he’s completed 69 percent of his passes for 1,579 yards and 13 touchdowns with just three interceptions. He’s on pace for his third straight season of at least 3,400 yards passing and 30 touchdowns.

Plus, listed at 5-foot-11, with a good chance he’s actually smaller than that, Reesing also appears to be an excellent candidate for a leading role in The Hobbit, a prequel to the massively successful Lord of the Rings trilogy.

“I realize there are some other great candidates for the Hobbit movie, because Hollywood is full if tiny actors. Kiefer Sutherland, for example, would make a great old hobbit, because that guy is like 5-foot-2 with shoes on. But Todd is the perfect size, and I can’t think of a more worthy hobbit,” said Mangino. “And, you know, he even dances like a hobbit.”

When reached for comment about Reesing’s chances at earning a spot in the movie, Jackson, a huge college football fan, had not yet seen Reesing play. But after watching a few clips on YouTube, the Academy Award winning director wouldn’t rule out offering the Kansas senior a part.

“It wouldn’t be unprecedented. Sean Austin, who played Rudy, was a great Hobbit, and he’s bigger than this guy (Reesing),” said Jackson. “And if his feet are as disgusting and hobbit-like as you say, I guess it’d be nice to save some money on the prosthetics and makeup.

“But there’s no way he’s winning the Heisman. He’s maybe the third best quarterback in his own league, let alone the whole NCAA. I’d say he has a better chance of starring in The Hobbit than he does of getting an invite to New York.”

Frank Martin Halloween masks flying off shelves

2009-10-15T11:44:00.001-05:00

OTTAWA – Halloween is fully of scary characters, but according to Larry Steinsfield’s customers, no one is scarier than Frank Martin, men’s basketball coach at Kansas State University.

Steinsfield, who manages two Targets in Kansas, including the Target in Ottawa, said his store cannot keep rubber masks of Martin’s face in the store, despite three reorders.

“It’s the first thing people ask for. Apparently, his face is terrifying,” said Steinsfield, 53, adding Martin’s mask moved places on the shelves early in the costume-buying season. “At first, we had him among the celebrities, like Presidents Obama and George W. Bush, Kate Gosselin, and Dwight Schrute. But people kept going to our horror section looking for the mask. So it’s now between Freddy Kruger and that guy from the Saw movies. And, by looking at the face, it makes more sense there.”

The idea of a Frank Martin mask came from Rick Georgio, who heads up marketing for Scare-Me, Inc., a Los Angeles-based company that manufactures rubber masks. Georgio, who grew up in Oklahoma, said he was watching Martin coach the Kansas State Wildcats against his alma matter, Oklahoma State, when inspiration struck. A call had gone against Kansas State and Martin’s eyes bulged from his head before he erupted in a screaming fit against one of his players.

“I had it on DVR, and I kept replaying it and watching over and over again. Every once in while I’d stop it just as he’s about to explode,” said Georgio. “There’s so much intensity in that face. You can almost see the veins pop out of his head. It really looked like he was about to murder someone. My wife made me stop doing it because it was really freaking her out. She ended up having a nightmare about it.”

Georgio’s bosses at Scare-Me were initially skeptical about manufacturing a rubber mask of the coach of a second-rate basketball team. But after a quick viewing of a Frank Martin explosion on the sidelines, they quickly agreed to give it a trial run. Within three days of the masks hitting the shelves, the company was getting requests for more product, prompting another printing of masks.

Because of Georgio’s inspiration, and Martin’s terrifying expressions, children and teenagers in the Kansas City area, and even beyond the Midwest, will don the mask to spook neighbors and friends. Even those who are clueless about the person who inspired the mask wear it with pride.

“He’s a coach?” asked Daryl Yarmin, 16, of Bentonville, Arkansas. “I thought he was a serial killer or some kind of high-ranking gangster. That face was so scary. I’d be afraid if I was a referee for that guy. He’d probably kill you if you made a bad call.”

For Steinsfield, the Frank Martin mask has been a blessing for sales, but as far as he’s concerned, it’s not the scariest mask on the shelves.

“The Frank Martin mask is scary. But he’s still no Kate Gosselin,” said Steinsfield. “That bitch makes my skin crawl.”

Douglas County Jail ranked No. 1 in preseason Prison basketball rankings

2009-10-12T15:15:00.000-05:00

Lawrence – The highly anticipated Preseason Prison Basketball Rankings, scheduled to hit the shelves this Thursday, will feature the Douglas County, Kan., jail as the No. 1 team in the nation, according to unnamed reports.

The No. 1 ranking would be a first for the Douglas County jail, and the first jail in Kansas to receive the top ranking since the Barton County jail in Great Bend, Kan., earlier this decade.

“We’re honored, I guess, to receive this distinction,” said prison guard and part-time coach Brian Spencer. “I mean, we just put out whoever happens to be here, and it just so happens that this fall we’ve been inundated with fantastic basketball players. We’ve just been lucky.”

The Douglas County jail, located in Lawrence, has seen a dramatic increase in the talent on the court in recent weeks. Nearly all of the talent has come by way of the University of Kansas, where basketball players continue to find themselves in trouble.

“The difficult part is that we’re not allowed to play any violent, felony offenders, so we’re always kind of limited,” said Spencer. “But lately, we’ve had guys in here for punching classmates, drinking and driving, shooting people with BB guns, or just rubbing their junk on unsuspecting women. Are they all technically allowed to play? Maybe not. But we’re only stretching the rules a little bit. I mean, this is Lawrence, Kansas. Stretching the rules is pretty much the norm here.”

Even Mother Nature Biased Against the Missouri Tigers

2009-10-12T14:55:00.001-05:00

COLUMBIA – Following the Missouri Tigers’ 27-12 loss to the Nebraska Cornhuskers, Phillip LaMont, president of the Anti-Missouri Biases Fan Club issued a statement concerning the role of “Mother Nature”.

LaMont, a DeSoto, Mo., resident, and senior at the University of Missouri, claims that Mother Nature was out to get the Tigers on Thursday, and proved it by dumping a torrential rainstorm onto the Tiger fans and players.

“At Missouri, we already face enough challenges. We are the most disrespected, discounted, disparaged school in the NCAA,” writes LaMont, who is majoring in political science. “The actions of Mother Nature are unforgivable. Everyone knows we had that game in the bag if it had just stopped raining. We should be the No. 1 team in the North, but we all know the NCAA won’t let that happen. I’m sure they conspired with Mother Nature to deliver this win for the Nubbies.”

The Missouri Tigers held a 12-0 lead through three rain-drenched quarters, only to completely collapse in the fourth quarter. Mizzou quarterback, Blaine Gabbert, however, threw two costly interceptions during a Cornhuskers 20-0 spurt in the fourth quarter to give Nebraska the win.

To impartial observers it appeared Nebraska simply wore down the offensive and defensive lines of Missouri, and that Gabbert, a freshman quarterback, was making too many ill advised throws. But according to LaMont, on a clear night, Missouri would have easily taken the win.

“You give me crystal clear skies and a temperature in the 60’s, like we’d seen the previous four weeks, and that’s a cakewalk to victory for the Missouri Tigers,” said LaMont. “You just know the NCAA and Mother Nature are sticking it to us. You just know they don’t want to see the black and gold in the Big 12 championship game again, because this year, we’d win it for sure, and I guess that’s just not good for ratings.”

The claim against Mother Nature is just another in a long line of complaints from Missouri fans. The media in both Kansas City and St. Louis has drawn criticism for “not showing enough Tiger love”, and fans constantly rail against the NCAA for its role in cheating the Tigers on BCS bowl bids, or NCAA Tournament seeding. However, most of their criticism is saved for the referees.

“Missouri fans are pretty bad when it comes to the Big 12 and unnecessary complaining,” said Big 12 official Tom Vekosky. “They whine about every holding penalty or pass interference call. I’ve even heard them start whining when penalties are called on the other team, as if what I’m calling is an attempt to balance out all the injustice done to them.

“Still, they’re no where near as bad as K-State fans.”

Snyder attempts to schedule Kansas City Chiefs

2009-10-12T14:30:00.000-05:00

MANHATTAN – Kansas State University head football coach Bill Snyder today contacted Scott Pioli of the Kansas City Chiefs, with hopes of getting the NFL football team on the Wildcats schedule next year.

Kansas State has an open date for one more non-conference game and Snyder, infamous for his tendency to schedule an easy pre-conference slate, declared his intentions to play the Chiefs in September, at Bill Snyder Family Stadium. The Wildcats are also scheduled to play UCLA, North Texas and Missouri State, all at home.

“We’re always trying to prepare ourselves for a tough conference schedule and part of that preparation is building confidence,” said Snyder. “The Big 12 is one of the toughest conferences in America, and because some of the ‘talent’ is now on the Chiefs, playing Kansas City will give us an excellent idea of what we should expect in October and November. We expect, however, those later months to be a much, much tougher challenge.”

College football analysts lauded Snyder for his innovative scheduling strategy, which will allow the Wildcats to play just one team from the Football Championship Subdivision (formally NCAA Division I-AA). Per NCAA rules, teams may only count one win over an FCS team toward bowl eligibility. For example, because Kansas State has two wins over FCS teams in 2009, the Wildcats must win at least seven games to become eligible for a bowl.

“It’s actually low-risk, high reward for the Wildcats,” said Jerry Todd, college football analyst for The Sporting News. “The Chiefs are simply awful this year and are showing absolutely no signs of getting better for next season. Even a team like Kansas State, which, let’s be honest, is at the bottom of the pack in the Big 12, should easily handle the Chiefs. So the Wildcats get an easy win without burning up a game against the FCS. Bill Snyder is a cupcake-scheduling genius.”

New Chiefs player no longer telling women he plays for the Chiefs

2009-10-12T14:22:00.000-05:00

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Michael Richardson, a defensive back recently acquired defensive back, has quickly learned not to inform women he meets that he plays for the Kansas City Chiefs.

Richardson, a third-year player out of Notre Dame, came over from the New England Patriots, where he played in 10 games last season, recording four solo tackles. He was signed to the Chiefs’ squad Sept. 30, but in less than two weeks, he’s already learned the massive differences between the two teams, and two cities.

Richardson went out on the town Saturday night, hitting the Makers Mark bar in the Power and Light district in downtown Kansas City. Numerous women approached him, only to leave in a hurry when he mentioned his current occupation.

“In Boston, women would be all over you if they knew you played for the Patriots. You could be the ugliest dude in the bar, but if you played football, you had ladies fighting over you,” said Richardson. “I’ve been out four or five times already in Kansas City, and I’ve literally had women walk away from me on the spot when I mention I play for the Chiefs.”

Fellow teammate, and New England transplant Mike Vrable can relate with Richardson. While Vrable doesn’t spend much time out at the bars, his trouble came when moving into a new apartment this summer. Vrable needed a place to stay during the season because he didn’t want to move his family here, so he rented an apartment on the Kansas side.

“The first day there, my next door neighbors brought over a plate of fresh-baked cookies and introduced themselves. When I told them I played for the Chiefs, they were gone within two minutes and haven’t come back,” said Vrable. “It’s a shame too, because those cookies were really good. Sometimes I can smell them baking and it makes me sad.”

Although it's become more common among Chiefs' players recently, lying about a profession is nothing new to the Kansas City sports scene. Members of the Kansas City Royals have been lying about their day job for years.

"It's all about selling the story," said longtime Royals' player Mark Teahan, who spent the first few years in Kansas City telling women he was a pharmaceutical sales manager. "I probably spend two months each off season researching everything I can about pharmaceuticals, just in case I meet someone who knows what they're talking about. It's hard work, but it's a lot better than telling women I play baseball in Kansas City."

Derrick Johnson, a fourth-year Chief drafted from the University of Texas, has also dealt with the recent Kansas City football backlash. He makes sure to leave his profession at home when he’s out on the town.

“I tell girls I’m an investment banker, or a high-profile lawyer, anything but a Kansas City Chief, and it almost always works,” says Johnson. “Of course, if the chick is an uggo, or she’s giving off a crazy vibe, or I’m just ready to head home alone, I’ll mention the Chiefs. That’s usually the fastest way to clear the room.”

Farnsworth to spend the offseason punching people in the face

2009-10-05T10:31:00.000-05:00

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Kansas City Royals relief pitcher Kyle Farnsworth today announced he’ll spend this offseason going around Kansas City and randomly punching strangers in the face.

Farnsworth, who signed a two-year, $9 million contract with the Royals before the 2009 season, wants to ensure the people of Kansas City get their money’s worth year round. Farnsworth figures if he can’t crush people’s spirits through his pitching from October to March, the least he can do is inflict pain in other ways.

“It’s all about giving back, you know,” said Farnsworth, who made sure he punched a photographer in the face during the interview. “The people of Kansas City, just like in New York and Chicago, nearly wet themselves in fear when they see me. Usually it happens when I’m walking in from the bullpen, but I’m really trying to make an impact throughout the city and I think this will help.”

Farnsworth finished the season 1-5 with a 4.58 ERA, but those numbers don’t tell the whole story. He’s been almost the exact opposite of “clutch” in relief appearances, posting an ERA of 9.53 with runners in scoring position and two outs. He’s been unable to throw to more than a batter or two without completely imploding, as he sports an ERA of 9.90 once he gets past 15 pitches.

He also nearly bookended the season with heartbreaking performances. He was called upon during the Royals’ second game of the season, as Kansas City clung to a 2-1 lead over the Chicago White Sox. Farnsworth promptly gave up three runs, sending the Royals to a 4-2 loss. In fact, of Kansas City’s first five losses, Farnsworth accounted for three of them. He also finished the season with a loss, surrendering two runs in the bottom of the ninth to the New York Yankees. With a full season under their belts, Royals’ fans were far from shocked at the late-season implosion.

“I hated the signing from the beginning,” said Chris Jenkins of Independence. “Anyone who had even remotely paid attention to his time with the Cubs or Yankees knew he was a headcase who couldn’t handle close games. After that first time, if Farnsworth entered and the game was close, you pretty much knew it was a loss. That guy suuuuuuuuucks.”

Royals manager Trey Hillman supports Farnsworth decision to spend the offseason punching random strangers, so long as he does it on a consistent basis.

“You know, Farnsy’s a gamer, and he’s got to do what he thinks is best to prepare himself for 2010,” Hillman mumbled. “As long as he’s consistent, and he goes out and gives a consistent effort, and consistently punches people, I think he’ll do fine and he’ll be back on track next season.”

Farnsworth said the punching program had started before the season had even finished.

“Oh yeah, I’m punching people all the time. Really. Anytime I get a dirty look, they’re getting punched. Even when people smile at me, I’ll punch them,” said Farnsworth. “I was out on a walk one night when one lady tried to avoid my punch. So I kicked her dog instead. When people see Kyle Farnsworth, I want them to think of two things: Fear and Pain.”

Preppy douche bag asshole commonly mistaken as a KU fan

2009-10-05T10:28:00.000-05:00

LENEXA - Clint Jefferies, a preppy douche bag asshole, was once again misidentified as a fan of the University of Kansas Jayhawks on Saturday, this time by fellow patrons at Tanner’s Bar and Grill off 87th Street in Lenexa.

Jefferies, who at the restaurant a date, was using the men’s urinal when another man, standing next to him, struck up a conversation about the Jayhawks football team.

“I’m standing there, trying to take a piss, and some random dude, who I don’t know and have never met before, looks over and says, ‘so how ’bout those Jayhawks, man. Think they got a shot at the North,’” said Jefferies, who was decked out in baggy cargo shorts, a half-open button down shirt from Banana Republic, hemp necklace and a beat-up ‘Cocks’ baseball cap with the rim bent in almost a half circle. “And I’m like, ‘First of all, dude, don’t talk to me when my hand is on my dick. Second, I’m not a goddamn Jayhawk fan.’ Jesus, I don’t know why people keep assuming that.”

It’s just the latest in a long line of misunderstandings about Jefferies’ college allegiances. According to friends, the misconceptions started happening during college at Northwest Missouri State University, where Jefferies attended from 2002 to 2007. By his sophomore year, Jefferies had earned the nickname ‘Jayhawk’, despite not owing a single article of clothing with the KU logo on it.

“I can’t remember who came up with (the nickname), but it just kind of started, and then it stuck. Everybody on campus called him ‘Jayhawk’. Honestly, I didn’t know his name was Clint,” said former classmate Randy Algo. “I guess I just figured he was a huge fan of KU. He definitely came off a kind of a douchey prick who thought he was better than everyone else.”

Jeffrey says he has no emotional connection to the University of Kansas, and that none of his family attended the school. When picking a college, he didn’t even apply to Kansas, although he also says he has no real reason to hate the Jayhawks. Yet, nearly every sporting event he’s attended, or every sports bar he’s been to, he’s asked or talked to about Kansas. For Christmas, his coworkers got him a Jayhawk clock and calendar.

“My parents went to Eastern Michigan University and we lived in Michigan before we moved to Kansas when I was 16, so there is no connection at all,” said Jeffrey, who, within five minutes of the interview, said he drives a 2003 Lexus, but he’s definitely thinking about upgrading to a BMW convertible. “I guess if I root for anyone in the area, it’s maybe Missouri, but I don’t have any real connection there either. To tell you the truth, I’m a pretty big Michigan State guy.”

Jenny Larson was on the date with Jefferies at Tanners when the bathroom incident occurred. She said she just assumed he was a KU fan until he returned from the bathroom, ranting about the misunderstanding.

“One of my girlfriends set me up with him, so I didn’t really know him. All he did was talk about himself, and how marijuana should be legalized, but I just assumed he was a KU fan. I’m glad I didn’t say anything,” said Carlson, who is not planning to go out with Jefferies again. “I’m really into preppy guys, and I’ve dated a lot of assholes, and he was definitely up there on both counts. That’s probably why I assumed he was a Kansas fan.”

Tyler Thigpen not quite as sad about losing starting job or Holly Starr after move to Miami

2009-10-05T10:25:00.000-05:00

MIAMI – Tyler Thigpen, former Kansas City Chiefs’ starting quarterback and fomer boyfriend of Channel 38, the Spot’s Holly Starr, just finished ‘the best week of (his) life’ after being traded from the Chiefs to the Miami Dolphins on Tuesday of last week.

Thigpen started eight games during his time as the Chiefs starter, winning just one, although his gritty performances and hard-nosed play made him a favorite among causal Chiefs fans. His time as a starter also allowed him to know, and eventually date Starr, a model and Kansas City mini-celebrity because of her beauty and charming personality.

Thigpen, however, wouldn’t last long as the starter or Starr’s boyfriend. After the Kansas City’s 2-14 season, Chiefs’ president Carl Peterson and head coach Herm Edwards were let go, with Scott Pioli arriving from New England as the general manager and Todd Haley from Arizona as the head coach.

Pioli quickly brought in Matt Cassel from New England. With Thigpen all but assured he’d lost his starting job, he then learned he was likely to start the season as a third-stringer, if he made the team at all. Around the same time, Starr and Thigpen broke up, with Thigpen calling it mutual and everyone else who knows anything saying Starr was the dumper.

“It all happened so fast, I wasn’t sure what to be more upset about,” said Thigpen, who came from obscurity to win the Chiefs’ starting job last year. “That’s not true, I knew what to be more upset about. Holly Starr was by far the most beautiful woman I’d ever talked to. Living in Kansas City, she’s about as good as it gets. She was a 10 in Kansas City. The top of the mountain.”

Thigpen’s year got worse in September as he watched both Brodie Croyle and then Cassel put up weak efforts as the starting quarterback this season, and Starr went on to date some unknown singer.

Then, when things looked bleakest, Thigpen got the call that he had been traded to the Dolphins, where there’s a chance he could end up starting games again. And, after 10 minutes of standing in the Miami airport, he also realized he was ready to move on in his personal life.

“Don’t get me wrong, Holly is beautiful and talented, and in Kansas City, she’s the cream of the crop. But I’m pretty sure if she walked by me 10 times out here in Miami, all I’d do is look past to see the eight better looking girls behind her standing in the Sbarro’s Pizza line,” Thigpen said. “Also, it’ll be good to play for a team that isn’t going to lose at least 13 games for the second year in a row. God, I love Miami.”

Missouri fan really hates Kansas; doesn’t know that much about Missouri athletics

2009-09-30T10:40:00.000-05:00

GRANDVIEW – Friends and family of Ronnie Holstead, known commonly by his screen name, MizzouFan6969_2001, today reported that Holstead actually knows very little about the University of Missouri athletic department and is far more interested in attacking the University of Kansas on message boards and news articles.

Holstead, a former gas station attendant, is currently unemployed, leaving him ample time to peruse various message boards and newspaper Web sites, where he continuously makes disparaging remarks and accusations about the University of Kansas. Those close to Holstead say it’s impossible to know exactly how many posts he averages in a day, but family members admit he spends most of his time sitting in front of the computer.

“I’d say he’s in front of that damn thing at least eight to 10 hours during the day,” said Beatrice Holstead, Ronnie’s mother. “He used to go out with his friends most nights, or go to the bar to watch the Tigers play, but now he just sits there, typing away and snickering to himself.”

After a recent spat of fights broke out among players on the Kansas football and basketball teams, Holstead says he spent almost 24 hours at the computer, scouring the Internet for any story or blog posting about the incident, making sure to post on each one.

“A lot of times I write one killer post, and I’ll just copy that on a bunch of different places,” said Holstead, who dropped out of Grandview High School in 2000. “But that fight was awesome. I probably posted about 60 different things, but most of it was about KU sucking pretty hard. Those guys are all huge douche bags.”

Friends, however, are concerned that Holstead’s time on the computer is taking away from the enjoyment of Missouri’s actual accomplishments. During last season’s NCAA basketball tournament, Holstead watched every single KU game, and went so far as to buy a round of shots for the bar he was at when the Jayhawks fell to Michigan State. But he failed to watch even a single half of the Missouri Tigers’ run to the Elite Eight.

“He used to be the biggest Tiger fan on the planet,” said friend Landus Dumpkin, who went to high school with Holstead, then went onto graduate from Missouri in 2005. “Three years ago, he could name nearly every Missouri football player on the team, even the third and fourth stringers. Now, I’m not sure if he even knows who the quarterback is.”

When questioned about the quarterback, Holstead stammered for a moment before changing the subject. In fact, Holstead struggled to name even one starter for the Tigers football team.

“Whatever man, it doesn’t matter who our quarterback is. We could put anybody in there and we’re still going to blast those ChickenHawks,” said Holstead. “You think that little shrimp Todd Reesing can stand up to us? Hell no. And we’re going to smack around that punk Kerry Meier and Briscoe. And don’t get me started on their offensive line. Tanner Hawkinson, Jeff Spikes, Brad Thorson, they don’t got nothing on us. None of them even knew what college football was before this season. We’re going to destroy them. Is Macklin still a Tiger? That guy is the shit.”

One friend close to Holstead says he believes the tide turned during the 2007 college football season, when Kansas and Missouri both vied for the national championship. Despite the fact that Missouri beat Kansas head to head, the Jayhawks went to, and won, a BCS Bowl game, while Missouri had to settle for the Cotton Bowl.

“That whole year he really became angry and bitter,” said Cole Trachenbacher, a friend of Holstead’s since grade school. “About halfway through the season, when we’d call him to go watch the Missouri game, he’d make up an excuse to not come. Then he’d spend the whole next week bitching about KU’s easy schedule, or how the refs gave them the game, and it was obvious he’d been watching the Jayhawks. I mean, I hate the KU too, but it’s like he preferred watching Kansas over Missouri. That’s messed up.”

Just a few months later, the Jayhawks won the National Championship in men’s basketball, sending Holstead over the edge.

“For a few days, he didn’t even touch the computer,” Beatrice Holstead said. “I thought maybe he’d given up and was ready to go back to hanging out with his friends and smoking pot. But after three or four days, he was back on it, ranting about probation and cheaters.”

Holstead’s posting activity isn’t always well received; as he’s been banned from at least seven message boards, including the Jayhawk Slant, Phog.net, and even GoPowercat.com, a Kansas State fan board, after accusing the entire state of Kansas of “overt gayness”.

Two years ago, the Kansas City Star changed their posting format from anonymous to one requiring registration, in part because of the abusive and vile comments from Holstead and others like him.

“It’s not just that guy, although he’s one of the worst. There are fans from Kansas, Missouri, Kansas State and Nebraska who all wait for a story about a rival school to pop up, then attack the school, the players, the fans, anyone they can,” said Dave Jenkins, who monitors comments on the KansasCity.com Web site. “Half the time, I don’t even think they read beyond the first line of the story.”

Even administrators at the Missouri fan site, Tigerboard, have warned Holstead to stay on topic.

“We all hate Kansas, that’s a prerequisite for being a Tiger fan, but there has to be some limits on what is allowable,” said Tyler Brown, who helps run Tigerboard. “We had one thread titled “Your favorite place to eat off campus”, and that guy, MizzouFan6969_2001, ended up posting about Mangino’s resemblance to Jabba the Hut, and how great it was that Quantrill burned Lawrence to the ground. I actually haven’t seen him post anything of relevance in about a year.”

Despite his detractors, Holstead said he remains a huge Missouri fan, and he’s just showing that by bashing Kansas whenever he has a chance.

“Look, I’m all about the black and gold. I know Coach Pinkel is going to have us back in the Big 12 championship game this year, and I know coach – uh – who’s the basketball coach? That new guy. What’s his name? Whatever. I know he doesn’t wear a rug on his head like Bill Selfish.”

Blue Springs man pretty upset about choosing KC Brigade season tickets during divorce

2009-09-30T08:31:00.000-05:00

BLUE SPRINGS – Roy Farkle, 48, remains in a constant state of agitation and depression, conditions that have lasted nearly a month since the announcement that the Arena Football League had disbanded.

Farkle, who filed for divorce from his wife, Cindy, in June 2007, made holding onto his Kansas City Brigade season tickets a priority. The AFL suspended all league activity before the start of the 2008 season, as the economy continued to worsen and teams reported massive losses in revenue. There was hope, however, that a deal could be reached that would allow the league to reopen in 2009. With no solid television revenue deal in place, the league officially shut down early this year.

With the AFL out of commission, Farkle’s season tickets are now worthless. Even more painful was the fact that Farkle allowed his wife to keep the University of Missouri football and basketball season tickets in exchange for the rights to the Brigade seats. The next season, Missouri went 12-1 and won the Big 12 North, and the Cotton Bowl. The basketball team has also found success, earning a trip to the NCAA Tournament quarterfinals in 2009.

“You know what I didn’t need? This. This is what I didn’t need,” said Farkle, who had to move out of his house into a one-room apartment and sell his 2006 Infinity GS to help pay child support. He now drives a 2001 Ford Escort. “The Brigade were coming off a championship season. There was excitement in the town. It’s professional football. Missouri hadn’t done shit up to that point in football or basketball. Son of a bitch.”

Shortly after the announcement about the AFL, Farkle called his ex-wife, with hopes of reconciling. Those hopes were quickly shot down and Farkle was hit with a restraining order.

Cindy, who now goes by her maiden name, Shumann, rarely attends Missouri games, but with football seats 11 rows up from the 40 yard line, and courtside at the basketball games, she usually sells her tickets online, using the income to help finance the season tickets, as well as the plastic surgery to give her a much younger, more beautiful appearance.

“I told him he was being stubborn and stupid about those tickets. I even warned him there were rumblings the league might shut down. But, just like everything else in his life, he didn’t want to listen to reason,” Shumann said. “I guess it worked out ok though. I mean, since the divorce I’m in the best shape of my life. I’ve lost 40 pounds, dyed my hair blond, got a tummy-tuck, got a boob job and I’m dating a Vice President of Accounting for a major corporation who couldn’t be sweeter.”

When told about his wife’s appearance and comments, Farkle broke down crying.

“She’s a blond now? Aw, come on man, you’re killing me.”

Posnanski the blogger thinks Posnanski the columnist is “kind of a sissy”

2009-09-30T08:26:00.000-05:00

KANSAS CITY, MO - Joe Posnanski, the blogger, today revealed he believes Joe Posnanski, the columnist, is “a decent writer, but actually kind of a sissy.” Posnanski made the revalation through one of his now patented *Postrerisk* during a 2,100 word posting about the new PX90 infomercial.

From the blog JoePosnanski.com: I enjoy a good work out like anyone else. Although my workouts are usually curls that involve a fork and a slab of brisket from Oklahoma Joe's. But apparently, using this machine can turn even the biggest sissy* into a body that He-Man would envy. Do kids still play with He-Man? Joe Mauer might be He-Man.

*I never realized it before, but I went back and read the last year of my blog, and the last year of my columns, and decided that as a columnist, I’m a decent writer, but actually kind of a sissy. I take these fantastic stances against managers and players in my blog, but I kind of tip-toe around things in my columns, as if I’m trying to stay friends with everyone I write about. I guess I’m hoping people like (Kansas City Royals manager) Trey Hillman don’t read my blog.

Posnanski, an award-winning columnist many times over, and regarded in many journalistic circles as one of the best sports writers in America, recently made the jump from the Kansas City Star to Senior Writer at Sports Illustrated, citing a lifelong dream to work at the publication.

His departure leaves a great hole at the Star, although it also encouraged many of his long-time readers to start following him online. Those who had never read the blog before saw a different side of Posnanski.

“I read him for 15 years in the newspaper, and he was always so happy and upbeat,” said Margret Schneiderman, 74, of Lansing, Kan. “But when I read his Internet site, he was much more critical of people. And he wrote a lot about an old baseball team. I didn’t like it.”

Still, many of Posnanski’s critics say the bite he lacked as a columnist shines through on his Web site. Just this week, he called out the Cleveland Browns for making one of the worst head coaching hires in the past 25 years when they hired Eric Mangini. He’s harshly chided Hillman and members of both the Chiefs and Royals front office, something he rarely, if ever, did in his role as a columnist.

“I got tired of reading about special kids, or special people, or rainbows or kittens, or why the Royals, who have one winning season in 15 years, were going to win the World Series,” said Jay Gerald, a graphic designer who stopped getting the Star two years ago. “He’s a great writer, and I guess he was providing balance for (the other Kansas City Star columnist Jason) Whitlock, but reading JoPo’s stuff was like eating a pound of cotton candy: Too much sweet, not enough sour or substance.”

But Posnanski - who will have less of a commentary role with Sports Illustrated - says he doesn’t anticipate changing the tone of his blog, even if it means offending some of the people he covers.

“My blog postings are my own personal thoughts. And if I personally think Dayton Moore is a stubborn, idiotic jackass who refuses to put any credence into the theory that on-base percentage helps win games, even though there are countless examples to prove it, then I’m going to write that,” said Posnanski, who immediately seemed nervous. “Wait, is this going into a paper. I also need to add that Dayton Moore probably forgot more about baseball this morning than I’ll ever know, and that he’s very good at his job.”

Twenty-two guys off the street don’t want to play for Haley, Chiefs

2009-09-28T11:36:00.000-05:00

LEAWOOD – Results from a recent poll reveal that Kansas City Chiefs’ head coach Todd Haley may not be able to win two games with 22 guys off the street, mostly because he would have problems finding that many men willing to play for him.

In reference to the Chief’s 2008 season, in which the team went 2-14, Haley allegedly made the declaration that he could win two games with 22 random people. Haley is rumored to have made the statement in an attempt to insult Pro Bowl offensive lineman Brian Waters. Three weeks into the NFL season with Haley at the helm, the Chiefs are 0-3 and showing no signs of improvement week-to-week.

Pollsters spoke with 100 male Chiefs fans in and around 810 Sports Zone in Leawood, Kan., after the Chiefs’ loss to the Philadelphia Eagles Sunday. Results indicate fans do not believe Haley, with just 14 percent indicating they were confident in the Chiefs’ ability to coach 22 regular guys to at least two wins.

Unfortunately for Haley, the 14 percent was the high-water mark in the poll. Just 11 respondents said they would be willing to play for an “everyman’s squad” coached by Haley. And only nine answered that they believed Haley will win at least two games this year.

“Play for that a-hole? No thank you,” said Jim R., who lives in Belton, Mo., and had crossed the state line to watch the game with his brother. “That guy looks like a maniac on the sidelines. I have serious doubts he’s going to win two games in real NFL players, so I don’t see how he could win with me.”

Even with plenty of doubters, Haley would have a few options to pick from, should he choose to dump his NFL players for regular guys off the street.

“Are they serious about that? I played a little ball in college, and I was good man, I was real good,” said Taylor L., from Kansas City, Mo. “Someone once put a clock on me and I ran my 40-yard dash in 4.2 flat. Ran for about 1,200 yards with 16 TDs my last season in college. I even led my fraternity’s intramural squad to the semifinal championship game. You tell Haley that if he needs a running back, I’m here. Seriously, tell him that.”

Roger B., a contractor from Overland Park, thinks it’s possible to win two games with non-NFL players, but not if they’re being coached by Haley.

“To reach two wins, you’re either you’re going to need regular guys being led by a real NFL coach, or you’re going to need NFL players coached by a regular guy,” Roger said. “So if it’s a team of average Joe’s, you’ll need someone other than Todd Haley as the coach. Plus, that guy’s an asshole. You couldn’t pay me to play for him.”

Bloomquist hoping Dayton Moore stopped paying attention to him in June

2009-09-28T11:30:00.000-05:00

As the Royals wind down their 2009 season, utility infielder and outfielder Willie Bloomquist continues to keep a low profile in and around Kauffman Stadium, desperately hoping Dayton Moore doesn’t realize he’s still supposed to be contributing to the team.

Bloomquist, who hasn’t spoken or made eye contact with Moore since June 11, has seen his offensive production plummet during the summer, to the point where he’s below an average replacement player in every possible way.

Moore was blasted for the Bloomquist signing this offseason, as the seven-year veteran had a reputation for offensive ineptitude, including last season, when he accumulated a total of one extra base hit in 165 at-bats. But after an incredibly hot start that saw Bloomquist hit .333 with a .439 OBP and an .863 OPS in the Royals’ 13 games in April, Moore was signing the praises of his utility star to anyone who would listen, going so far as to call Bloomquist the team’s early MVP.

“I had never hit that good ever, at any level, not even in grade school,” Bloomquist said. “To start out the season like that was amazing, and really took the pressure off of me for a few months.”

Bloomquist, however, knew those numbers wouldn’t last. That fear was quickly justified in May when he hit .258 with a .309 OBP and a .389 SLG. They dropped even further in June to .247/.281/.306. While his early season success propped up his sagging numbers for a few weeks, the overall numbers started to tick down quickly. Bloomquist assumed it would mean less playing time and a talk with Moore, but neither ever materialized.

“I was hitting horribly – or, to be more accurate – I was hitting exactly average for me, which is pretty bad for normal guys, but I kept hearing Dayton and Trey praise me and my offense and I kept playing every day,” said Bloomquist, who is making $1.4 million this season. “I really think they just stopped checking stats after the season tanked in early June.”

In hopes of keeping his job and paycheck, Bloomquist keeps his presence at Kauffman Stadium to a minimum, doing all he can to stay out of Moore’s eye line.

Ironically, Bloomquist said he’s most nervous after games when he performs well offensively. He’s thankful for those nights, which remind management of his value, but he’s always fearful they might actually look at his post-All Star break statistics, which now sit at .249/.287/.327. Thankfully for the veteran, those nights are few and far between.

“About two weeks ago, I had four hits and scored twice, and I was terrified after the game,” said Bloomquist. “Dayton was down in the clubhouse, congratulating players and I literally had to sneak into a bathroom stall for 35 minutes until I knew he was gone. I keep thinking sooner or later he’s going to look at my stats and I’ll be gone, but maybe if he doesn’t see me, he won’t think about my overall production this year.”

With just a week left in the season, Bloomquist can see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially when Moore continues to shower the light-hitting scrapper with praise at every opportunity.

“Willie has been a tremendous addition to our organization and our team this year,” Moore said. “Were you not paying attention when we started out 18-11 this year? Willie was a huge part of that. He was hitting the ball all over the place. Has he come down a little? Maybe, but I’m not paying attention to numbers. We’ve had a lot of injuries and some bad luck come our way. And we can’t turn that 3-6-3 double play to save our lives. But Willie has been a solid professional who I hope stays in Kansas City for many years to come.”

Kansas State fan angry about something

2009-09-28T11:21:00.000-05:00

LEAVENWORTH – Employees at Ray’s Tire and Body Shop today reported that fellow co-worker, and longtime Kansas State Wildcat fan Rick Peters came into the shop riled up about something related to athletics.

According to reports, it’s the fourth time in the last three weeks Peters has come to work agitated about a situation involving Kansas State. However, none of his coworkers could confirm what Peters was upset about this time.

“I stopped paying attention to what he says last March after he threw his hot pocket at me,” said Brian Eggers, 34. “I was filling out an NCAA bracket and wanted to know if he was participating. Next thing I know yelling for 20 minutes about how unfair the selection process is, and how K-State was fourth in the Big 12. When I said I had heard they were actually tied for fourth with three other teams, he threw his lunch at me.”

Longtime co-worker Timothy Fletchall said most of the employees at Ray’s aren’t college fans.

“It’s hard to keep up,” Fletchall said about Peters’ rants. “Typically it’s about the referees or the media. But recently, he’s been pretty fired up about some Prince guy. I usually don’t know what he’s talking about. I’m more of a pro guy myself.”

A few of Peters’ blowups have landed him in hot water, although so far he’s escaped with just verbal or written warnings. Randy Veltor, a supervisor at the shop, said he had to remove the television from the customer’s waiting room after an incident involving Peters and a customer wearing an Oklahoma hat.

“One of our customers was watching the tv and clapped once when someone scored a touchdown against K-State. Rick got up in the guy’s face. I mean, really got nose to nose with the guy, screaming about some game in 2003,” said Veltor. “The guy kept saying he wasn’t an Oklahoma fan and he had gotten the hat for his birthday, but Rick wouldn’t let up until the guy took the hat off. Rick then stomped on it and made the guy do the same. I had to give the guy $100 off for his new tires just to keep him from calling the cops.”

Even Peters himself failed to recall what he was shouting about when he came into the office, but simply seeing a reporter sparked a new round of verbal assaults.

“Of course you’re going to write a story about this, and you’re probably going to attack K-State. Do you write for the KU Star,” said Peters, snickering to himself while decked out in a Wildcat sweatshirt and Zubaz pants. “You’re probably one of those Gayhawkers, aren’t you? Why don’t you go eat a few cheeseburgers with Fatgino, then cheat. Because that’s what Gayhawks do. Cheat. All of them. I hate you so much.”

Cotton shortage in the U.S. traced back to KU coach’s wardrobe

2009-09-28T11:17:00.000-05:00

LAWRENCE – U.S. trade officials today announced they’ve discovered the culprit behind the United State’s depleted cotton resources and put an immediate halt to all production of velour track suits.

Craig Thompson, U.S. Deputity of Domestic Trade and Agriculture announced that University of Kansas football coach Mark Mangino is nearly single handedly wiping out all of the cotton produced in the United States. Mangino, famous for his obesity and his sleek wardrobe, is almost always seen wearing a blue and red, or blue and gray velour track suit while on the side lines at Kansas football games.

Because Mangino refuses to wear polyester or any synthetic material, cotton must be used to produce his outfits. He rarely re-wears the suit, opting instead to have it cut from his body after games.

“Clearly, this is an issue we need to address immediately,” said Thompson. “We are seriously almost out of cotton. I mean, it’s cotton. We produce an ungodly amount of it each day, and yet 96 percent of it is going to help clothe one man. Granted, those suits are stylish, but come on.”

Mangino remained defiant, assuring his team and his fans that his trademark suit would remain as much apart of Kansas football as his rosy cheeks, and his penchant for screaming at players until they breakdown sobbing.

“Velour track suits are Kansas football,” Mangino said. “We’ve built a tradition here at Kansas. You take those velour suits away; all you have are three bowl wins in four years. Literally, we’ve been playing football since 1890 and that’s all we have. You can’t take these suits away.”

Lew Perkins, University of Kansas’ Athletic Director, backed his coach’s decision to continue to order and wear velour.

“At Kansas, we are not indifferent to the needs of the world community and the shortage of cotton. But we are also aware that a strong athletic department must have a strong football team,” said Perkins, who demanded he be interviewed in a dark, mirrorless room. “If coach Mangino needs to wear velour to be successful, then that’s what’s going to happen. And I swear, if anyone tries to take that away from us, I will come at them with every fiber of my being. And I will not stop until one of us is dead.”

KU football-basketball tensions reignite during Scrabble game

2009-09-24T18:11:00.000-05:00

LAWRENCE – Members of the University of Kansas football and basketball teams were admitted to the hospital on Thursday after an attempted truce failed during a game of Scrabble. Tyshawn Taylor and Dezmon Briscoe got into a fist fight again, after Briscoe disputed Taylor’s use of the word “Muggin” during the Scrabble game.

Taylor and Tyrell Reed of the basketball team sustained cuts and bruises during the melee, and Briscoe, a wide receiver for the Jayhawks, suffered a mild concussion.

The game was set up by Athletic Director Lew Perkins, as well as Kansas coaches Mark Mangino and an unnamed assistant basketball coach filling in for Bill Self, who appears to doing everything he can to avoid coming home in an attempt to simply wait out this entire mess.

Football players and basketball players were teamed together on a dozen different board games such as Monopoly and Apples to Apples. The event appeared to be working until Taylor added the letters “gin” to the already existing “mug”, creating the disputed “muggin”. Briscoe immediately called a challenge and ruled that “muggin” could not be counted, costing Taylor valuable points.

Taylor threw up the table in argument, sending Scrabble pieces flying into a game of Battleship, being played by Sherron Collins and Kerry Meier. Within seconds, an all out battle royal erupted.

“I don’t care what that book says, ‘muggin’ is a word,” said Taylor. “Look it up bitches, ‘Muggin’ is a type of dog, a cross between a Miniature Pincher and a Pug. I’ll slap the taste out of the book’s mouth too.”

From his hospital bed, Briscoe remained confident in his challenge and the ruling.

“Look man, that’s not a word. ‘Muggin’ is not a word. In Scrabble, you’re supposed to use the official Scrabble dictionary for a challenge. We used it. No ‘muggin,’” said Briscoe. “Kid thought he was pulling a fast one on me. I’ll Scrabble his punk ass all day long.”

Reached by cell phone, Self expressed initial shock at yet another fight, but said he could not comment further until he returned to the state. He also said he had scheduled three more recruiting trips and may not be back until Midnight Madness next month.

Perkins called the incident regrettable, but said the players are making progress and that, basically, there’s nothing to see here.

“At Kansas, we preach accountability and respect. We also preach winning. And that’s exactly what we expect each of these teams to do this season,” said Perkins. “As you can tell, our football team is off to a 3-0 start and our basketball team is expected to be ranked No. 1. For anyone who doesn’t have season tickets, now is the time to buy.”

Kansas quarterback Todd Reesing was seen playing with “My Little Pony’s” in the corner of the room, and was unharmed during the fight.

Snyder requests the return of Friends, Zubaz pants

2009-09-24T18:09:00.000-05:00

MANHATTAN – Kansas State head football coach Bill Snyder today sent a formal letter to the NCAA, NBC Entertainment and the fashion industry requesting the return of Friends to the airwaves and Zubaz pants to popular culture.

“At Kansas State University, we’re trying to recapture some of the magic that nearly brought us to the top of the mountain during the 1990s,” wrote Snyder, whose Wildcats are off to a 1-2 start this year. “Obviously, we’re doing everything we can to restore the pride, but we need your help as well.”

Snyder, 69, led one of the greatest turnarounds in NCAA history – taking over the Kansas State football program in 1989, just before the explosion of Zubaz pants into popular culture. Before Snyder arrived, Kansas State had one of the worst football programs in college football. However, within 10 years, he had the Wildcats on the brink of a national championship game in 1998.

“Players like Michael Bishop, Terrance Newman and Darren Sproles helped us build the football dynasty, but Zubaz pants were so flippin’ comfortable. A lot of people don’t know this but I actually did most of my coaching in those pants,” said Snyder. “And you could get them in any color combination. It was crazy. You could walk around in purple and white Zubaz pants all day long. We’ve got to bring them back. For the good of K-State.”

After two losing seasons, Snyder announced his retirement in 2005. He was followed by Ron Prince, who took the Wildcats to a bowl game in 2006 before watching the program spiral downward until he was fired after last season. Faced with the prospect of falling entirely off the college football landscape, Kansas State once again turned to Snyder to lead the team back to the top of the Big 12 conference.

“If we could just bring those pants back, it will be just like it was back in the early 90’s, and I think that sets us up for another nice run in the Big 12 north,” said Snyder.

The return of Friends was also highlighted many times throughout the letter. Snyder points out that the show was picked up by NBC early in 1994, just a few months after his first bowl win as the Wildcats’ coach. As Friends was climbing the ratings charts, the Wildcats were climbing the polls.

“A lot of people give the sole credit to me for the turnaround,” Snyder said. “Of course, I was in the office close to 20, 21 hours a day. But for at least two hours each day I was kicking back in my recliner, cracking up at Chandler and Joey, one of the greatest 1-2 combinations in television history.

Friends went off the air in 2004. We missed our first bowl game in 12 years in 2004 and things haven’t been the same since.”

Word of the letter received mixed reaction from K-State fans.

“Is that what old people are watching these days, Friends?” said Kansas State freshman and Derrick Ryland. “I guess it’s better than Matlock. But unless it’s helping him recruit a 4-star quarterback, I’m not sure how it’s going to help K-State win again. And I don’t know what the hell Zubaz are.”

Dayton Moore hits man with car; asks victim to “Trust the Process”

2009-09-24T18:08:00.001-05:00

BLUE SPRINGS – Kansas City Royals General Manager Dayton Moore allegedly struck a pedestrian in a crosswalk today, causing non-life threatening injuries. The victim, Roger Williams, 24, was treated at an area hospital and released.

Witnesses say Moore’s BMW rolled up to a red light, but didn’t immediately stop, striking Williams and knocking him to the ground. With those close rushing to the victim’s aid, Moore jumped out of his car, pointing to the crosswalk as the culprit.

“I thought it was weird that the first thing the driver did was get out of his car and blame the crosswalk,” said Alice Yager, who was walking her dog nearby when the accident occurred. “He kept yelling that he’d already driven two miles without hitting anyone, so it couldn’t be his fault and that the crosswalk was too wide. It didn’t really make any sense.”

Moore visited the victim at the hospital, offering his well wishes and telling Williams that he’s much less likely to be struck by a car in the future.

“He told me that if I would ‘trust the process’, this won’t happen again, and I’ll be a much more successful walker,” says Williams. “He kept saying that again and again. ‘Trust the process guy. Trust the process.’ I’ll be honest, I didn’t really know what that meant, but I was so confused when he finished, I just smiled and said thank you. I think he’s just trying not to get sued.”

Moore, who has overseen the Kansas City Royals the last three years, assured fans and citizens that his driving record is impeccable, but that BMW and the lack of funding by Blue Springs allowed the accident to occur.

“There’s a process to driving, and walking without getting hit. You’ve got to trust that process,” Moore said. “Without that process, there are no results. Only by trusting the process can we find success, and success comes through trusting the process we’ve put in place. Also, I’m pretty sure that guy couldn’t turn a 3-6-3 double play to save his life.”

Chiefs’ community service ends with screaming, tears

2009-09-24T17:59:00.000-05:00

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – A community service program was ended abruptly on Tuesday after an obscenity-laced tirade from Kansas City Chiefs’ head coach Todd Haley brought several children to tears.

The program, “Hangin’ with Haley,” is designed to bring the Chiefs’ new head coach to a different library every week, where he spends two hours reading children’s books to preschoolers through third grade. In the

Theresa Robinett, a kindergarten teacher at Holy Word Catholic Grade School said the coach’s reading angry almost without warning.

“It came out of nowhere. One minute, he was reading Curious George and the next, he was telling a group of children that if they didn’t sit still, he was going to shove their asses into a trash can and punt them down the fucking road,” said Robinett. “He really got in their faces too. His chair was about 10 feet away from the group, but he was scooting up and pointing his finger at them as he shouted.”

While the initial burst of anger merely shocked the kids, it was Haley’s next tirade that brought on the tears. The coach, who appeared to be aggravated by the fidgeting of a few children, slammed the book down, then kicked the chair.

“Who the fuck do you kids think you are? You’re nobody,” Haley was reported to have shouted. “I’m out here, trying to read about a goddamn monkey and some fucker in a yellow fucking hat and you can’t sit still for one goddamn second. This is bullshit. Get your fucking heads in the game or get the fuck out of my library.”

With parents standing in the back of the room in shock, and kids starting to well up with tears, Haley slammed his visor to the floor and stormed out of the room, calling one woman fat and kicking a water fountain on his way out.

John Gorgino, whose 7-year-old son was in the group targeted by Haley, and a die-hard Chiefs’ fan, said the reaction is understandable because of the coaching system Haley came up through.

“You know, this guy learned under Bill Parcells. That’s the kind of attitude he brings,” said Gorgino, who was decked out in a Chiefs sweatshirt and jeans shorts. “Do I endorse yelling and swearing at kids? Well, if he can win like coach Parcells won, he can say anything he wants. Although, I do wish he would have refrained from calling my son the stupidest mother fucker in the first grade. That was probably over the line.”

Chiefs’ spokesperson Bob Moore said the “Hangin’ With Haley” program was on temporary hiatus, but that Haley himself had positive words to say about the experience.

“Todd Haley is a great football coach, but he’s not used to dealing with anything but perfection. He saw a lot of potential in that room, but he’s not used to anyone, even kids, not giving him their undivided attention. We think down the road, those kids can use this as a learning exercise to pay better attention in school. Also, Coach thought there were a lot of fatties in there. So if he does go back, he’ll have a conditioning program ready.”